Tuesday, October 18, 2016
LESSON 24 - YES
1. If you knew that you couldn't fail, what would you like to do most for God in helping others?
Aside from what I already do, I would like to open an animal rescue farm. Animals are my thing :)
2. What are some ways you can pick up the Lord's towel (John 13:14-15) today and start serving others?
I've signed up to help with The Landing! I'm also going to take the Small Group Leader training so that I can start to serve at CR and be an accountability partner/sponsor for others.
3. What does the illustration of the fork in your road to recovery say to you?
It means I have choices about how to best bring the good news (of Jesus AND recovery) to others. Completing our step study isn't the end, the journey continues as we grow deeper in our recovery and work to serve others.
4. In the words of Step 12, how will you "practice these principles in all your affairs?"
It means I need to walk my talk, and demonstrate humility, love, and service towards others.
5. Describe what the phrase "You can't keep it unless you give it away" means in your recovery.
Encouraging others helps me stay strong on my own journey. I need to stay accountable for my own actions, and help others by being an accountability partner or sponsor. I have to share my recovery with others.
6. Create your own action plan for Principle 8.
I am going to explore opportunities to serve in the following areas:
a. The Landing (CR for students 7th - 12th grades)
b. Open share group leader
c. CR leadership
LESSON 23 - GIVE
1. What does Matthew 10:8 - "Freely you have received; freely give" - mean to you?
It means that I didn't do anything to deserve being forgiven and restored to a new life. I was given that gift by God, just because he loves me that much. God sacrificed His son for me, and He gives me everything that I have, because he is full of grace, love, and mercy, and He deserves all the glory. As His child, I am to pass that generosity and love on to others, for no reason other than that I am to be like Jesus.
2. How has your attempt to put God first in your life changed your understanding of the word "give"?
It has made me realize that the important things in life aren't about what I have or how much I have, they're about spending time with the people who matter to me, about sharing myself and serving others, about spending each day seeking a closer relationship with Jesus. Putting God first has made me want to focus more on simplifying my life, freeing up time so that I can devote myself to what's important.
3. Ecclesiastes 4:9 tells us that "two are better than one." List specific instances in your own recovery that you have seen this verse in action.
a. My husband inviting me to the New Hope 1-year CR celebration and opening my eyes to the program.
b. My sponsor always being there to lend an ear and help me through the hard stuff.
c. Kim Feld and the other leaders being available to listen and provide guidance, no matter what the topic!
4. What are some of your recent victories that you could share with a newcomer?
a. Completing this study!
b. Letting go of my control (perceived) over my weight and turning it over to God in 2016, and losing 50# and conquering my obsession with food! It no longer controls me!
c. Letting go of my need to always correct my husband. Most of the time my pointing it out doesn't change the bottom line and just causes resentment between us. I've learned to keep quiet most of the time, and life is much more peaceful.
5. In James 1:22 we are told to be "doers of the Word." How can you be a doer of the Word:
- among family and friends?
By letting my actions match my words, by living out God's principles and demonstrating a heart of love, kindness, acceptance, and forgiveness. Make amends when I hurt someone else. Keep my commitments.
- in your recovery group?
By supporting my CR sisters in their struggles and victories, not passing judgment, and letting God's light shine through me.
- in your church?
By serving others. And everything above.
- on the job?
Trickier, only because of politics. BUT - pretty much everything else I've said, just not so much discussion about religion proper.
- in your community?
Hmmmmmm.
Monday, October 3, 2016
LESSON 22 - GRATITUDE
Principle 7: Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.
Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out.
"Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly." Colossians 3:16
1. Why do you think it's important for you to maintain an "attitude of gratitude" in your recovery?
Focusing on gratitude for all that we DO have, prevents us from focusing on what we don't have or where we've been, or what we've done. It reminds us that God has forgiven us for our past misgivings, and we owe it to Him to forgive ourselves, focus on the positive, and move forward in our journeys.
2. In what three areas of your recovery are you especially thankful for God's power? Try to think of areas of growth or positive change in you that only God could have accomplished.
a. My marriage - no doubt it's a God thing! Without His power and contribution, there'd not only be no marriage, but I might even be in jail for having been forced to beat him silly :)
b. My food and weight issues. This was my year, and trust me I've tried over and over and over and over. So the only thing different this time was GOD! HE did it. He gets all the glory!
c. Self will. I still have plenty of it, but I'm so humbled by the changes I do see. I lean on God much more than I ever did before. I trust Him, I look to him to show me answers and the right path to take. My relationship with Him is deeper and more intimate than ever before, and for that I am truly grateful.
3. Name three people God has placed in your recovery who you are grateful for and why.
a. Just three? Jeez. OK ... 1) my sponsor. She's honest and to the point, she encourages me and never judges me. She is always available when I need her, and gives me room to breathe when I need it. And she is a glowing role model of a God-fearing woman who gives honor and glory to God in all areas of her life!
b. My BFF, who decided to do this recovery program along side me. She has never ceased to support me, even when I whine and moan. She holds me accountable and helps me to see the other side of a situation and to find gratitude even when I don't believe there is any.
c. This entire step study group - I have been impacted and affected by each and every one of you, and my life is forever changed :)
4. What three areas of your recovery ministry, small groups, or other events are you thankful for? Why?
a. The homework - that's where the hard work and big payoff comes from! Reflection.
b. Acceptance and no judgment.
c. Testimonies. Learning from others and putting things into perspective.
5. List three things that you are thankful for in your church. Be specific.
a. The worship band. Our music is amazing and creates an atmosphere welcoming to the Holy Spirit, and allows God to fill our church with His presence.
b. The welcoming of everybody here! For such a large church, it's amazing that I've never felt like a number.
c. The CR Ministry.
Congratulations! You have just completed your first gratitude list. Review it. How does it make you feel?
Let the individuals on your list know what an impact they have had on your recovery, and thank each of them personally!
Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out.
"Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly." Colossians 3:16
1. Why do you think it's important for you to maintain an "attitude of gratitude" in your recovery?
Focusing on gratitude for all that we DO have, prevents us from focusing on what we don't have or where we've been, or what we've done. It reminds us that God has forgiven us for our past misgivings, and we owe it to Him to forgive ourselves, focus on the positive, and move forward in our journeys.
2. In what three areas of your recovery are you especially thankful for God's power? Try to think of areas of growth or positive change in you that only God could have accomplished.
a. My marriage - no doubt it's a God thing! Without His power and contribution, there'd not only be no marriage, but I might even be in jail for having been forced to beat him silly :)
b. My food and weight issues. This was my year, and trust me I've tried over and over and over and over. So the only thing different this time was GOD! HE did it. He gets all the glory!
c. Self will. I still have plenty of it, but I'm so humbled by the changes I do see. I lean on God much more than I ever did before. I trust Him, I look to him to show me answers and the right path to take. My relationship with Him is deeper and more intimate than ever before, and for that I am truly grateful.
3. Name three people God has placed in your recovery who you are grateful for and why.
a. Just three? Jeez. OK ... 1) my sponsor. She's honest and to the point, she encourages me and never judges me. She is always available when I need her, and gives me room to breathe when I need it. And she is a glowing role model of a God-fearing woman who gives honor and glory to God in all areas of her life!
b. My BFF, who decided to do this recovery program along side me. She has never ceased to support me, even when I whine and moan. She holds me accountable and helps me to see the other side of a situation and to find gratitude even when I don't believe there is any.
c. This entire step study group - I have been impacted and affected by each and every one of you, and my life is forever changed :)
4. What three areas of your recovery ministry, small groups, or other events are you thankful for? Why?
a. The homework - that's where the hard work and big payoff comes from! Reflection.
b. Acceptance and no judgment.
c. Testimonies. Learning from others and putting things into perspective.
5. List three things that you are thankful for in your church. Be specific.
a. The worship band. Our music is amazing and creates an atmosphere welcoming to the Holy Spirit, and allows God to fill our church with His presence.
b. The welcoming of everybody here! For such a large church, it's amazing that I've never felt like a number.
c. The CR Ministry.
Congratulations! You have just completed your first gratitude list. Review it. How does it make you feel?
Let the individuals on your list know what an impact they have had on your recovery, and thank each of them personally!
Saturday, October 1, 2016
LESSON 21 - RELAPSE
Principle 7: Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life, and to gain the power to follow His will.
Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out.
"Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly." Colossians 3:16
1. What are some of the ways (tools) that you have developed in your recovery to prevent relapse?
Talking to my sponsor. Accountability partners, attending CR and 12-Step Group, serving at CR and church, and staying focused on gratitude. Talking to God throughout the day, and keeping a check on reality. Seeking wise counsel from Godly women.
2. Do a H-E-A-R-T check right now. Are you:
Hurting - not particularly
Exhausted - absolutely
Angry - nope
ANGER = Another Nice Growing Experience, Right?
Resentful - yeah, a little
Tense - eh ... a little
3. Specifically, what do you do when you are:
Hurting - I'm pretty introspective, so I think a lot. But I do tend to withdraw a little bit while I figure things out. I pray, but not enough - I know that! I like to talk things out with my BFF or my therapist or my sponsor, make sure I'm seeing things clearly and get a "reality check." And I eventually talk to the person who hurt me, tell them how I'm feeling, and do my best to work towards resolve.
Exhausted - I lose my ability to be rational and chilled out - the little bit of patience I did have disappears. I get irritated by the smallest of things, and everything seems amplified. I feel overwhelmed by everyday responsibilities and obligations, and sometimes I start to get down on myself.
Angry - I cry. I cry when I feel helpless or frustrated beyond my ability to change something. I'm not violent, and I rarely ever yell. I'm a talker. But when I'm pushed too far, and I cry about something, you better take notice!
Resentful - Hmmm. Since I'm dealing with some of that now, I need to think about this. Resentment causes me to make snide comments about the other person in my head. I get impatient, I roll my eyes, I become even MORE sarcastic than I normally am! I stop caring so much about what they think or how they feel. I focus more on ME and the injustice (or whatever) done to ME. Not a very Christian position, I know. But the truth. And this is why I'm in recovery :)
Tense - Tension doesn't affect me as much as exhaustion, but falls somewhere between exhaustion and hurt in the way I react to it. I think a lot. I analyze. I show a little irritation and frustration, but not a lot. Tension is life. Tension is work and home and pups and husbands and calendars that are too full. I cope pretty well with tension, I'm used to it. I get a massage and drink a glass of wine, and life gets better :)
4. Rate your listening skills from 1 to 10, 10 being best. Oh ... definitely a 2, 3 on a good day! I am a horrible listener. Horrible. When somebody starts talking to me, I begin formulating a solution by the end of the first sentence! The only good news about that is that I've really recognized that about myself in the last year, and I'm working really hard to improve my score :)
- What are some ways that you think you could improve your listening skills with others?
Be intentional about listening. Remind myself that I'm going to sit and listen, I don't have to provide input or solution, and I don't need to prepare my response WHILE they're speaking. Don't interrupt. PRACTICE THE PAUSE. And remember that the squirrel outside the window isn't life changing. And the special bulletin on the television will be there when I'm finished. And the text message that just came in probably isn't life or death. It's a very conscious thing, trying to learn this listening skill. It has to be deliberate, and I have to remind myself more than once, depending on how long the conversation lasts!
- What are some ways that you could improve your listening skills with God?
PRACTICE. Practice waiting, being still, and allowing. Practice trusting that what I hear is from God, and not my own subconscious. But also read His Word more. He tells us everything we need to know in there!
5. Describe what a "quiet time" means to you and why it is important.
Oh, how I wish I had more personal experience! Quiet time is tuning out the world - the Hurt, the Exhaustion, the Anger, the Resentment, and the Tension. It's focusing solely on embracing gratitude for all that God provides and for all the beauty he has given me. It's about leaning into Him, learning more about Him through His Word and prayer, and deepening my relationship with Christ.
6. How could you improve your prayer time? Be specific.
I could make it a priority and be consistent. I'm trying to do that more, and I'm actually creating a prayer/WAR room in my house specifically for that purpose! Working on selecting paint colors and building a design in my head.
I could make it a priority and be consistent. I'm trying to do that more, and I'm actually creating a prayer/WAR room in my house specifically for that purpose! Working on selecting paint colors and building a design in my head.
- When do you pray? Most often on the way to work and at night before I go to sleep.
- Where do you pray? In the car, in bed, and wherever I am when there's something else to pray about.
7. After you pray, do you slow down long enough to hear God's answer? What does the word "meditation" in this step mean to you?
Slow down? What is that ... is that English? Does not compute. LOL. So ... no.
Meditation is the slowing down, focusing, pausing, allowing.
Slow down? What is that ... is that English? Does not compute. LOL. So ... no.
Meditation is the slowing down, focusing, pausing, allowing.
8. What are some of the other things that you do in your recovery to help you on the journey and prevent relapse?
Talk to my friends or my sponsor. Call my counselor when I need to get more in depth. Journal. Read. Check in with myself and stay aware of my own emotional "temperature" so that I can correct as needed. Make CONSCIOUS decisions, considering the effect that decision has on my overall recovery goals.
Talk to my friends or my sponsor. Call my counselor when I need to get more in depth. Journal. Read. Check in with myself and stay aware of my own emotional "temperature" so that I can correct as needed. Make CONSCIOUS decisions, considering the effect that decision has on my overall recovery goals.
9. I think we all agree that recovery is a joy, but it also requires hard work. What do you do to celebrate your recovery - even the small victories?
I find myself humbled as I recognize the changes God is making in my life, and I am very intentional about thanking Him.
I find myself humbled as I recognize the changes God is making in my life, and I am very intentional about thanking Him.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
LESSON 20 - DAILY INVENTORY
1. What are some of the advantages of each of the three types of inventories in your recovery? how can they help you to "be careful that you don't fall"?
- Ongoing: become more self aware, forgive myself for my actions
- Daily: make quick amends, before resentment builds and relationships are harmed.
- Periodic (monthly, quarterly, or annually): reflecting, identify patterns
2. What do the following verses mean to you and how can they help you in this step?
- "From a wise mind comes wise speech; the words of the wise are persuasive." Proverbs 16:23
Think before I speak. Practice the pause. Respond, don't react.
- "Don't use bad language. Say only what is good and helpful to those you are talking to, and what will give them a blessing." Ephesians 4:29
Use a filter. Don't feel the need to control or correct people, show grace to others, except when God wants me to try to help steer another believer to the right way.
- "The wise are known for their understanding, and pleasant words are persuasive." Proverbs 16:21
- "Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up!" Proverbs 12:25
- "If I had a gift of being able to speak in other languages without learning them, and could speak in every language there is in all of heaven and earth, but didn't love others, I would only be making noise." 1 Corinthians 13:1
Without love, all else is moot. Love is the most important of all emotions. Love everyone, hate the sin but not the sinner.
- "Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give into temptation. For though the spirit is willing enough, the body is weak." Mark 14:38
3. What is your daily action plan for Step 10?
Reflect. Keep it balanced - good and bad. Check in monthly with sponsor. Ask God to reveal the good and the bad, so I can make amends where I need to.
4. What are the recurring events or issues that you are constantly needing to make amends for?
- With your family?
Being late. Not following through when I say I'm going to do something. Passing judgment. Unsolicited advice and trying to fix them.
- With your friends?
Gossip. Passing judgment. Being selfish. Unsolicited advice and trying to fix them.
- With those you work with?
Passing judgment. Complaining.
- With those in your church or recovery program?
Not showing up.
- Ongoing: become more self aware, forgive myself for my actions
- Daily: make quick amends, before resentment builds and relationships are harmed.
- Periodic (monthly, quarterly, or annually): reflecting, identify patterns
2. What do the following verses mean to you and how can they help you in this step?
- "From a wise mind comes wise speech; the words of the wise are persuasive." Proverbs 16:23
Think before I speak. Practice the pause. Respond, don't react.
- "Don't use bad language. Say only what is good and helpful to those you are talking to, and what will give them a blessing." Ephesians 4:29
Use a filter. Don't feel the need to control or correct people, show grace to others, except when God wants me to try to help steer another believer to the right way.
- "The wise are known for their understanding, and pleasant words are persuasive." Proverbs 16:21
- "Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up!" Proverbs 12:25
- "If I had a gift of being able to speak in other languages without learning them, and could speak in every language there is in all of heaven and earth, but didn't love others, I would only be making noise." 1 Corinthians 13:1
Without love, all else is moot. Love is the most important of all emotions. Love everyone, hate the sin but not the sinner.
- "Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give into temptation. For though the spirit is willing enough, the body is weak." Mark 14:38
3. What is your daily action plan for Step 10?
Reflect. Keep it balanced - good and bad. Check in monthly with sponsor. Ask God to reveal the good and the bad, so I can make amends where I need to.
4. What are the recurring events or issues that you are constantly needing to make amends for?
- With your family?
Being late. Not following through when I say I'm going to do something. Passing judgment. Unsolicited advice and trying to fix them.
- With your friends?
Gossip. Passing judgment. Being selfish. Unsolicited advice and trying to fix them.
- With those you work with?
Passing judgment. Complaining.
- With those in your church or recovery program?
Not showing up.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
LESSON 19 - CROSSROADS
Principle 7: Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.
Step 10: We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
"So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" (1 Corinthians 10:12)
1. Before you start working on Step 10, take a moment to reflect and list some of the changes in your life that have come from working the steps and principles with Jesus as your Higher Power.
- How has your behavior changed?
- What specific relationships have been restored or improved?
- How has your relationship with Jesus grown since you began your journey of recovery?
- List the new relationships that you have made along your journey.
2. In your own words, what does Step 10 mean to you?
- The what: "We continued to take a personal inventory ..."
- The why: "... and when we were wrong ..."
- The then what: "... promptly admitted it."
3. Keep a daily journal over the next 7 days. Record the good along with the bad. Write down victories and areas of needed growth. Look for patterns. Share them with your sponsor or accountability partner at the end of the week.
4. What did you learn by keeping your journal?
5. What areas did you identify as strengths?
6. What areas do you need to work on?
Step 10: We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
"So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" (1 Corinthians 10:12)
1. Before you start working on Step 10, take a moment to reflect and list some of the changes in your life that have come from working the steps and principles with Jesus as your Higher Power.
- How has your behavior changed?
- What specific relationships have been restored or improved?
- How has your relationship with Jesus grown since you began your journey of recovery?
- List the new relationships that you have made along your journey.
2. In your own words, what does Step 10 mean to you?
- The what: "We continued to take a personal inventory ..."
- The why: "... and when we were wrong ..."
- The then what: "... promptly admitted it."
3. Keep a daily journal over the next 7 days. Record the good along with the bad. Write down victories and areas of needed growth. Look for patterns. Share them with your sponsor or accountability partner at the end of the week.
4. What did you learn by keeping your journal?
5. What areas did you identify as strengths?
6. What areas do you need to work on?
Thursday, September 8, 2016
LESSON 18 - GRACE
Principle 6: Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.
Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
1. How has Jesus Christ used your weaknesses and turned them into strengths?
2. How can you receive God's gift of grace? (Romans 5:2)
By accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, and accepting his death, burial, and resurrection as God's way to wash away all of my sins. God's grace makes me strong when I am weak. His grace is enough :) His grace enables me to do what I cannot do, in and of my own strength.
3. How can you model God's gift of grace in making your amends?
Make amends whenever I can, without expecting anything in return. God extended forgiveness and grace to me, with no consideration whatsoever for any good (or bad) that I had done. I can extend that same grace to other people, just making amends because I NEED to make amends, in order to free ME from holding on to the bad.
4. In what ways have you experienced God's grace in your recovery?
In my willingness to forgive myself, to let go of guilt and shame I've carried for yeas, and to show myself grace and mercy, knowing that I'm not expected to be perfect and my past mistakes have been erased by God.
5. God loved and accepted us while we were still sinners (Ephesians 2:5). How can you model that acceptance to those whom you need to offer forgiveness or make amends?
By sacrificing my own pride and selfishness. By extending grace and acceptance without offering a forgiveness that is conditional on behavior or performance or perfection. And by continuing to show love toward people, even when I don't think they deserve it, or they choose not to accept my forgiveness.
6.
7. Why is it important that you focus only on your part in making amends or offering forgiveness?
Because by taking responsibility for my part in the situation, it better enables me to focus on showing grace and forgiveness to the other person. If I were to play the victim and claim no responsibility at all, it would be really easy to point the finger and harbor resentment towards the other person. Each thing that happens in a relationship takes TWO people, and in these cases I was the other person.
8. List some things God has shown you through working Principle 6.
Talking is freeing, and addressing ongoing problems takes their power away. I've learned how to more often speak in love, even when the conversation is difficult, rather than showing judgment or persecution.
Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gifts at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift."
(Matthew 5:23-24)
“Happy are the merciful.”
(Matthew 5:7)
1. How has Jesus Christ used your weaknesses and turned them into strengths?
2. How can you receive God's gift of grace? (Romans 5:2)
By accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, and accepting his death, burial, and resurrection as God's way to wash away all of my sins. God's grace makes me strong when I am weak. His grace is enough :) His grace enables me to do what I cannot do, in and of my own strength.
3. How can you model God's gift of grace in making your amends?
Make amends whenever I can, without expecting anything in return. God extended forgiveness and grace to me, with no consideration whatsoever for any good (or bad) that I had done. I can extend that same grace to other people, just making amends because I NEED to make amends, in order to free ME from holding on to the bad.
4. In what ways have you experienced God's grace in your recovery?
In my willingness to forgive myself, to let go of guilt and shame I've carried for yeas, and to show myself grace and mercy, knowing that I'm not expected to be perfect and my past mistakes have been erased by God.
5. God loved and accepted us while we were still sinners (Ephesians 2:5). How can you model that acceptance to those whom you need to offer forgiveness or make amends?
By sacrificing my own pride and selfishness. By extending grace and acceptance without offering a forgiveness that is conditional on behavior or performance or perfection. And by continuing to show love toward people, even when I don't think they deserve it, or they choose not to accept my forgiveness.
6.
7. Why is it important that you focus only on your part in making amends or offering forgiveness?
Because by taking responsibility for my part in the situation, it better enables me to focus on showing grace and forgiveness to the other person. If I were to play the victim and claim no responsibility at all, it would be really easy to point the finger and harbor resentment towards the other person. Each thing that happens in a relationship takes TWO people, and in these cases I was the other person.
8. List some things God has shown you through working Principle 6.
Talking is freeing, and addressing ongoing problems takes their power away. I've learned how to more often speak in love, even when the conversation is difficult, rather than showing judgment or persecution.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
LESSON 17 - FORGIVENESS
Principle 6: Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I've done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.
Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
REWRITTEN for victims of sexual assault, physical abuse, or childhood emotional abuse or neglect: Make a list of all persons who have harmed us and become willing to seek God's help in forgiving our perpetrators, as well as forgiving ourselves. Realize we've also harmed others and become willing to make amends to them.
Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
REWRITTEN for victims of sexual assault, physical abuse, or childhood emotional abuse or neglect: forgiveness to ourselves and to others who have perpetrated against us, realizing that this is an attitude of the heart, not always confrontation. Make direct amends, asking forgiveness from those people we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others.
1. As you look at the three kinds of forgiveness, which one of them was the easiest for you to accept? Why? [God's forgiveness; forgiveness of others who have hurt you; and, forgiveness of yourself].
I think the easiest of the three is God's forgiveness, although I'm not sure that even now I understand the total completeness of that gift. It's easy to say I'm forgiven, it's a little more complicated to digest the magnitude of God's gesture.
2. Which area of forgiveness was the most difficult for you to accept? Why?
Forgiving myself and forgiving others has been much more difficult. I have been hardest on myself, of course, for being stupid or making poor decisions (very critical of myself), but through counseling and CR, I have been able to come to terms with most of the past. Forgiving others though ... that one still needs some work. These days, generally speaking, I'm pretty easy going and forgiving when somebody accepts responsibility and apologizes. But in the past, when responsibility hasn't been taken and instead it's been attempted to sweep the issue under a rug ... well, that hasn't sat too well with me. I have become angry, but moreso I have become hurt. And I have yearned for closure.
I want to feel like I'm important enough to that person that they will recognize what they've done and WANT to make amends. Because that's what I would do. I try very hard to admit my wrongs and apologize when I need to. But some people won't ... or can't ... allow themselves to be vulnerable enough that they can humble themselves to apologize. Or they can't help themselves when it comes to making the same mistake over and over again, hurting people each time. And that's the situation with my mom ... she's one of just a few I haven't forgiven to this point. So although I'm good about accepting that people are human and they make mistakes, and not everybody is on my same "plane" of self-discovery, I'm sometimes not so good at forgiving, especially when the damage is repeated over and over, despite the repeated "I'm sorrys".
3. What do the words of Christ found in John 19:30 ("It is finished.") mean to you?
They mean that Jesus completed his purpose from God, that he understood his role on Earth, that he successfully accomplished all that his Father asked of him, and that in his final moments, despite not WANTING to die, he realized he needed to, and he was willing to do so in order to fulfill God's desire for the greater good, and to free us from the bondage of our sin.
4. What hurt(s) from a past relationship are you still holding on to?
All the damage done to my by my mom. The narcissism, the neglect, the judgment, the unfulfilled promises, the repeated disappointment, the never-ending I'm sorry's, and her incessant need to always be the victim.
5. How can you let go of the hurt(s)? Be specific.
If I knew that answer, I wouldn't still be holding on. BUT -- clearly I need to look to God and embrace the forgiveness he has offered me, and have a heart like Jesus. Not gonna lie though ... don't now how to do that with her. She's the only one.
6. Do you owe God an amends? When will you give it?
I don't think so ... I don't blame Him for any of my hurts or struggles. But - I'm going to pray that He will reveal to me any areas for which I do owe him an amends.
7. How have you been blaming God for the harmful actions that others took against you?
I really haven't. I hold people responsible for their behavior, not God.
8. Have you forgiven yourself? What past actions in your life do you still feel guilt and shame about? (List them, pray about them, and work on them in the next lesson.)
Yep, I sure have - for nearly everything. I have a shaming issue that I talked about aloud for the first time with my sponsor, and that's something I haven't completely forgiven myself for, since I haven't successfully tackled the problem. But I'm working on it. I still need to make amends with the people I've harmed in connection with the things I've forgiven myself for, but I've forgiven me. I am an imperfect sinner, always have been and always will be. But I'm a new being in Christ now, and I'm forgiven.
"Happy are the merciful." Matthew 5:7
"Happy are the peacemakers." Matthew 5:9
Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
REWRITTEN for victims of sexual assault, physical abuse, or childhood emotional abuse or neglect: Make a list of all persons who have harmed us and become willing to seek God's help in forgiving our perpetrators, as well as forgiving ourselves. Realize we've also harmed others and become willing to make amends to them.
"Do unto others as you would have them do to you." Luke 6:31
Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
REWRITTEN for victims of sexual assault, physical abuse, or childhood emotional abuse or neglect: forgiveness to ourselves and to others who have perpetrated against us, realizing that this is an attitude of the heart, not always confrontation. Make direct amends, asking forgiveness from those people we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others.
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the alter and there remember that you brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift at the alter. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." Matthew 5:23-24
1. As you look at the three kinds of forgiveness, which one of them was the easiest for you to accept? Why? [God's forgiveness; forgiveness of others who have hurt you; and, forgiveness of yourself].
I think the easiest of the three is God's forgiveness, although I'm not sure that even now I understand the total completeness of that gift. It's easy to say I'm forgiven, it's a little more complicated to digest the magnitude of God's gesture.
2. Which area of forgiveness was the most difficult for you to accept? Why?
Forgiving myself and forgiving others has been much more difficult. I have been hardest on myself, of course, for being stupid or making poor decisions (very critical of myself), but through counseling and CR, I have been able to come to terms with most of the past. Forgiving others though ... that one still needs some work. These days, generally speaking, I'm pretty easy going and forgiving when somebody accepts responsibility and apologizes. But in the past, when responsibility hasn't been taken and instead it's been attempted to sweep the issue under a rug ... well, that hasn't sat too well with me. I have become angry, but moreso I have become hurt. And I have yearned for closure.
I want to feel like I'm important enough to that person that they will recognize what they've done and WANT to make amends. Because that's what I would do. I try very hard to admit my wrongs and apologize when I need to. But some people won't ... or can't ... allow themselves to be vulnerable enough that they can humble themselves to apologize. Or they can't help themselves when it comes to making the same mistake over and over again, hurting people each time. And that's the situation with my mom ... she's one of just a few I haven't forgiven to this point. So although I'm good about accepting that people are human and they make mistakes, and not everybody is on my same "plane" of self-discovery, I'm sometimes not so good at forgiving, especially when the damage is repeated over and over, despite the repeated "I'm sorrys".
3. What do the words of Christ found in John 19:30 ("It is finished.") mean to you?
They mean that Jesus completed his purpose from God, that he understood his role on Earth, that he successfully accomplished all that his Father asked of him, and that in his final moments, despite not WANTING to die, he realized he needed to, and he was willing to do so in order to fulfill God's desire for the greater good, and to free us from the bondage of our sin.
4. What hurt(s) from a past relationship are you still holding on to?
All the damage done to my by my mom. The narcissism, the neglect, the judgment, the unfulfilled promises, the repeated disappointment, the never-ending I'm sorry's, and her incessant need to always be the victim.
5. How can you let go of the hurt(s)? Be specific.
If I knew that answer, I wouldn't still be holding on. BUT -- clearly I need to look to God and embrace the forgiveness he has offered me, and have a heart like Jesus. Not gonna lie though ... don't now how to do that with her. She's the only one.
6. Do you owe God an amends? When will you give it?
I don't think so ... I don't blame Him for any of my hurts or struggles. But - I'm going to pray that He will reveal to me any areas for which I do owe him an amends.
7. How have you been blaming God for the harmful actions that others took against you?
I really haven't. I hold people responsible for their behavior, not God.
8. Have you forgiven yourself? What past actions in your life do you still feel guilt and shame about? (List them, pray about them, and work on them in the next lesson.)
Yep, I sure have - for nearly everything. I have a shaming issue that I talked about aloud for the first time with my sponsor, and that's something I haven't completely forgiven myself for, since I haven't successfully tackled the problem. But I'm working on it. I still need to make amends with the people I've harmed in connection with the things I've forgiven myself for, but I've forgiven me. I am an imperfect sinner, always have been and always will be. But I'm a new being in Christ now, and I'm forgiven.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
LESSON 16 - AMENDS
Principle 6: Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I've done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.
Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
1. Once again you need to admit the past hurts - what others did to you and the harm that you caused to others. Explain how holding on to your past resentments and guilt has blocked your recovery. Be specific.
By not releasing resentment, I have remained stuck in the bad space. I have put up walls that prevent me from receiving God's forgiveness and allowing me to grow beyond the bad. By holding on to guilt, I have continued to punish myself over and over again for the wrongs I have done to others, thus preventing me from feeling the grace and mercy of God as he intended. Holding on also prevents my relationships with these people from being able to blossom or move beyond the resentment and pain. It wastes a lot of valuable time that could be used for repairing.\
2. Next, you are ready to make your list. Use the following worksheet. List the names of those to whom you think you owe amends to in column 1. Then list those individuals who have hurt you and who you need to forgive in Column 2. Keep this chart and see how God has increased your list within the next thirty days. Also, begin praying for the willingness and God's direction for you to complete this principle.
AMENDS LIST
I OWE AMENDS TO:
My mom
John
Michelle
My sister
My dad
Terri Thompson
Pam Bradley
Kelli
I NEED TO FORGIVE:
My mom
John
Michelle
The Old Man
Dan
His Roommate
Anna
Pete
Laura Jane
3. Who do you have on your recovery support team to encourage you as you make your amends and offer your forgiveness?
SPONSOR: Cynthia
ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS:
Kris
Donna
Angela
Shelly
Toshia
Ashley
4. What does the phrase "not for them" mean to you?
It means that when I choose to extend forgiveness to someone who has hurt me, I am doing that to release myself from the pain and bondage created by holding on to the hurt. Forgiveness is entirely about me, it isn't about whether or not they choose to accept my forgiveness, or even whether they care that I'm offering it. It is about me releasing myself from the chains that have kept me bound for so long, and allowing myself to enjoy the freedom offered to me from God.
5. What does the phrase "don't expect anything back" mean to you?
Again, this isn't about anybody else, it's just about me. I need to make amends to free MY heart and soul, and to do what God wants me to do. It isn't for me to expect them to somehow make ME feel better or lighten MY load.
6. Timing is so important in this step. List the individuals who could be possiby injured from your making an amends to them and why.
There is only one who comes to mind. Because she doesn't know. I've come clean with others in my life about this or that or the other, and I'm "mostly" an open book to people who know me. But she doesn't know - she can't know. She doesn't know that I had an affair with her husband before I knew HER, when they had only been married for a year or two. She doesn't know that even after I met her, and we began to build a friendship, I continued that affair because by that time I was hooked on HIM, on how he made me feel, and that was more important to me than her feelings. She doesn't know that it was only later - as she and I grew closer and it became harder for me to look her in the eye - that I ended the affair. And she doesn't know that he begged me not to and told me he was in love with me. She doesn't know even today, when we are occasionally in the same place at the same time spend time together as couples, because I put on the act as though nothing is unusual. My husband knows (and although the affair was before his time, he has had DIFFICULTY coming to grips with my ongoing friendship with this man and his wife), but Julie doesn't know. She would be devastated. It would rock her entire world and destroy it at its core. She wouldn't understand how I could do that, or how HE could do that. Because in her naïve, good-girl, Catholic world, marriage is sacred and one never has to worry about their spouse disobeying God. If she knew, she would question everything of her 12-year marriage and the damage would be irreparable on so many levels. It would reach outside of her or me, and extend to masses of friends we share.
7. Go back to the "start living the promises" section of amends. List some of the promises of recovery that are coming true in your life!
"Happy are the merciful." (Matthew 5:7)
"Happy are the peacemakers." (Matthew 5:9)
Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
"Do to others as you would have them do to you." (Luke 6:31)
1. Once again you need to admit the past hurts - what others did to you and the harm that you caused to others. Explain how holding on to your past resentments and guilt has blocked your recovery. Be specific.
By not releasing resentment, I have remained stuck in the bad space. I have put up walls that prevent me from receiving God's forgiveness and allowing me to grow beyond the bad. By holding on to guilt, I have continued to punish myself over and over again for the wrongs I have done to others, thus preventing me from feeling the grace and mercy of God as he intended. Holding on also prevents my relationships with these people from being able to blossom or move beyond the resentment and pain. It wastes a lot of valuable time that could be used for repairing.\
2. Next, you are ready to make your list. Use the following worksheet. List the names of those to whom you think you owe amends to in column 1. Then list those individuals who have hurt you and who you need to forgive in Column 2. Keep this chart and see how God has increased your list within the next thirty days. Also, begin praying for the willingness and God's direction for you to complete this principle.
AMENDS LIST
I OWE AMENDS TO:
My mom
John
Michelle
My sister
My dad
Terri Thompson
Pam Bradley
Kelli
I NEED TO FORGIVE:
My mom
John
Michelle
The Old Man
Dan
His Roommate
Anna
Pete
Laura Jane
3. Who do you have on your recovery support team to encourage you as you make your amends and offer your forgiveness?
SPONSOR: Cynthia
ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS:
Kris
Donna
Angela
Shelly
Toshia
Ashley
4. What does the phrase "not for them" mean to you?
It means that when I choose to extend forgiveness to someone who has hurt me, I am doing that to release myself from the pain and bondage created by holding on to the hurt. Forgiveness is entirely about me, it isn't about whether or not they choose to accept my forgiveness, or even whether they care that I'm offering it. It is about me releasing myself from the chains that have kept me bound for so long, and allowing myself to enjoy the freedom offered to me from God.
5. What does the phrase "don't expect anything back" mean to you?
Again, this isn't about anybody else, it's just about me. I need to make amends to free MY heart and soul, and to do what God wants me to do. It isn't for me to expect them to somehow make ME feel better or lighten MY load.
6. Timing is so important in this step. List the individuals who could be possiby injured from your making an amends to them and why.
There is only one who comes to mind. Because she doesn't know. I've come clean with others in my life about this or that or the other, and I'm "mostly" an open book to people who know me. But she doesn't know - she can't know. She doesn't know that I had an affair with her husband before I knew HER, when they had only been married for a year or two. She doesn't know that even after I met her, and we began to build a friendship, I continued that affair because by that time I was hooked on HIM, on how he made me feel, and that was more important to me than her feelings. She doesn't know that it was only later - as she and I grew closer and it became harder for me to look her in the eye - that I ended the affair. And she doesn't know that he begged me not to and told me he was in love with me. She doesn't know even today, when we are occasionally in the same place at the same time spend time together as couples, because I put on the act as though nothing is unusual. My husband knows (and although the affair was before his time, he has had DIFFICULTY coming to grips with my ongoing friendship with this man and his wife), but Julie doesn't know. She would be devastated. It would rock her entire world and destroy it at its core. She wouldn't understand how I could do that, or how HE could do that. Because in her naïve, good-girl, Catholic world, marriage is sacred and one never has to worry about their spouse disobeying God. If she knew, she would question everything of her 12-year marriage and the damage would be irreparable on so many levels. It would reach outside of her or me, and extend to masses of friends we share.
7. Go back to the "start living the promises" section of amends. List some of the promises of recovery that are coming true in your life!
LESSON 15 - VICTORY
Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.
"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires." (Matthew 5:6)
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." (James 4:10)
Step 7: We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)
1. As you voluntarily submit to every change God wants you to make in your recovery, how does Romans 12:1 - 2 help you know that real, positive change is possible?
2. In Principle 5, you need to ask God to help you identify the defects of character that you need to work on first. List the changes that you want to ask God to help you work on now. Will you work on them?
3. God's word teaches us that real change comes from the changing our of minds. We must take the positive action required to follow God's directions. List the actions that you need to take to begin working on the defects of character that you listed in question 2.
ACTION PLAN
(Read the Principle 5b verses on page 39)
Defects of character:
I need to stop doing:
I need to start doing:
4. List the specific ways that you have turned from relying on your own willpower and relying on God's will for your life.
5. What does the phrase "One day at a time: mean to you and your recovery?
6. It has been stated that, "Recovery is not perfection; it is a process." Do you agree with that? Why?
7. What does humility mean to you? How will being humble allow you to change?
"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires." (Matthew 5:6)
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." (James 4:10)
Step 7: We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)
1. As you voluntarily submit to every change God wants you to make in your recovery, how does Romans 12:1 - 2 help you know that real, positive change is possible?
2. In Principle 5, you need to ask God to help you identify the defects of character that you need to work on first. List the changes that you want to ask God to help you work on now. Will you work on them?
3. God's word teaches us that real change comes from the changing our of minds. We must take the positive action required to follow God's directions. List the actions that you need to take to begin working on the defects of character that you listed in question 2.
ACTION PLAN
(Read the Principle 5b verses on page 39)
Defects of character:
I need to stop doing:
I need to start doing:
4. List the specific ways that you have turned from relying on your own willpower and relying on God's will for your life.
5. What does the phrase "One day at a time: mean to you and your recovery?
6. It has been stated that, "Recovery is not perfection; it is a process." Do you agree with that? Why?
7. What does humility mean to you? How will being humble allow you to change?
Thursday, August 4, 2016
LESSON 14 - READY
Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.
"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires." Matthew 5:6
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." James 4:10
1. Have you released control? (If not, review Principle 3).
Most of it. Some of it. LOL. As human beings, do we ever REALLY release all of our control? Even if we think we do? Self will is a powerful force. Maybe some people do. I wouldn't say I'm there yet. But I'm working on it.
a. List the areas of your life that you have been able to turn over and surrender to Jesus Christ.
My marriage. My recovery. My job. My home. My hope. My health. My relationships. My eating.
b. List the areas of your life that you are still holding on to, attempting to control them on your own power.
Some of my finances. Some of my decision-making. My need to control some people, some situations, sometimes.
2. What does the phrase, "easy does it" mean to you? What area of your recovery are you attempting to rush - looking for the "quick fix."
Easy does it means that I need to be patient with myself during the process. I didn't get this way overnight, and I won't change overnight. By allowing myself time to walk the journey, I can better identify the root causes of the issues I struggle with, therefore enabling me to better conquer them for good! I'm not trying to rush anything, I'm perfectly happy with this pace.
3. Explain the differences in seeing a need for change and being entirely ready to accept positive change in your recovery.
Accepting change is a much harder process. Reminds me of the saying, "easier said than done." It is much easier to SEE that a change needs to be made, whether that is in ourselves, or relationships, our jobs. It is an entirely different animal to be willing to ACCEPT the change and take steps toward making it happen. That requires significantly more vulnerability and selflessness.
4. It is very important that you allow God to replace your character defects with positive changes. What are some of the positive changes that you could make in your recovery? In your family? In your job?
I need to continue making positive changes - I doubt that will ever not be the case - I need to look to God more, pray more, lean in more often, and continue to practice grace when people upset or disappoint me, whether that is at home or at work.
5. Sometimes it is difficult for us in recovery to see the positive changes that God is making in our lives. Have you been able to accept and enjoy your growth? How?
I've made numerous positive changes, and the effects of those changes are easily apparent in my life. I have been consistent in my eating and workout journey since January and have lost 45#! I feel better about myself, more confident and comfortable in my own skin, and much more willing to accept my imperfections. I have replaced much of my social activity with things at or involving the church. I volunteer my time, energy, and finances more than ever before - to include tithing - which is a BIG deal for me, and it feels really good! I have definitely noticed that I'm growing more reliant upon God, I talk to him more often, I thank him more often for even the little things, and I am constantly reminded that He works all things for my good, even when those things don't happen in MY time or the way I want them to :)
"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires." Matthew 5:6
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." James 4:10
1. Have you released control? (If not, review Principle 3).
Most of it. Some of it. LOL. As human beings, do we ever REALLY release all of our control? Even if we think we do? Self will is a powerful force. Maybe some people do. I wouldn't say I'm there yet. But I'm working on it.
a. List the areas of your life that you have been able to turn over and surrender to Jesus Christ.
My marriage. My recovery. My job. My home. My hope. My health. My relationships. My eating.
b. List the areas of your life that you are still holding on to, attempting to control them on your own power.
Some of my finances. Some of my decision-making. My need to control some people, some situations, sometimes.
2. What does the phrase, "easy does it" mean to you? What area of your recovery are you attempting to rush - looking for the "quick fix."
Easy does it means that I need to be patient with myself during the process. I didn't get this way overnight, and I won't change overnight. By allowing myself time to walk the journey, I can better identify the root causes of the issues I struggle with, therefore enabling me to better conquer them for good! I'm not trying to rush anything, I'm perfectly happy with this pace.
3. Explain the differences in seeing a need for change and being entirely ready to accept positive change in your recovery.
Accepting change is a much harder process. Reminds me of the saying, "easier said than done." It is much easier to SEE that a change needs to be made, whether that is in ourselves, or relationships, our jobs. It is an entirely different animal to be willing to ACCEPT the change and take steps toward making it happen. That requires significantly more vulnerability and selflessness.
4. It is very important that you allow God to replace your character defects with positive changes. What are some of the positive changes that you could make in your recovery? In your family? In your job?
I need to continue making positive changes - I doubt that will ever not be the case - I need to look to God more, pray more, lean in more often, and continue to practice grace when people upset or disappoint me, whether that is at home or at work.
5. Sometimes it is difficult for us in recovery to see the positive changes that God is making in our lives. Have you been able to accept and enjoy your growth? How?
I've made numerous positive changes, and the effects of those changes are easily apparent in my life. I have been consistent in my eating and workout journey since January and have lost 45#! I feel better about myself, more confident and comfortable in my own skin, and much more willing to accept my imperfections. I have replaced much of my social activity with things at or involving the church. I volunteer my time, energy, and finances more than ever before - to include tithing - which is a BIG deal for me, and it feels really good! I have definitely noticed that I'm growing more reliant upon God, I talk to him more often, I thank him more often for even the little things, and I am constantly reminded that He works all things for my good, even when those things don't happen in MY time or the way I want them to :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
LESSON 13 - ADMIT
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." ~ James 5:16
1. In Principle 4 we are asked to give our inventory three times. Who are we to confess it to and why?
We are to confess it to ourselves, to God, and to another person.
2. Most of us find it easier to confess our wrongs to ourselves and God. We seem to have more difficulty in sharing them with another person. What is the most difficult part for you? Why?
Confessing to myself and God is easy. That doesn't involve speaking aloud where others can hear what I'm saying. I think the vulnerability involved in sharing with another person is what makes that part more difficult. The fear of judgment or shock, the fear of losing a friend or friends, or being looked at differently is the most difficult part.
3. What is your biggest fear of sharing your inventory with another person?
See above.
4. List three people with whom you are considering sharing your inventory. List the pros and cons of each selection. Circle your final choice.
Kris
My sponsor
5. Pick a quiet location to share your inventory. List three places and circle the best one.
Panera
Church
The park
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." ~ James 5:16
1. In Principle 4 we are asked to give our inventory three times. Who are we to confess it to and why?
We are to confess it to ourselves, to God, and to another person.
2. Most of us find it easier to confess our wrongs to ourselves and God. We seem to have more difficulty in sharing them with another person. What is the most difficult part for you? Why?
Confessing to myself and God is easy. That doesn't involve speaking aloud where others can hear what I'm saying. I think the vulnerability involved in sharing with another person is what makes that part more difficult. The fear of judgment or shock, the fear of losing a friend or friends, or being looked at differently is the most difficult part.
3. What is your biggest fear of sharing your inventory with another person?
See above.
4. List three people with whom you are considering sharing your inventory. List the pros and cons of each selection. Circle your final choice.
Kris
My sponsor
5. Pick a quiet location to share your inventory. List three places and circle the best one.
Panera
Church
The park
LESSON 12 - CONFESS
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." ~ James 5:16
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." ~ James 5:16
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
LESSON 11 - SPIRITUAL INVENTORY PART 2
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
Your mind:
- How have you guarded your mind in the past? Denial?
- Have you filled your mind with hurtful and unhealthy movies, television programs, internet sites, magazines, or books?
- Have you failed to concentrate on the positive truths of the Bible?
Your body:
- In what ways in the past have you mistreated your body?
- Have you abused alcohol and drugs? Food? Sex?
- What past activities or habits caused harm to your physical health?
Your family:
- In the past, have you mistreated anyone in your family?
- Who in your family do you have a resentment against?
- Who do you owe an amends to?
- What is the family secret that you have been denying?
Your church:
- Have you been faithful to your church in the past?
- Have you been critical rather than active?
- In the past have you discouraged your family's support of their church?
Write About It
1. Your mind
- Since accepting Christ as your higher power, how has God transformed your mind? What worldly standards have you given up?
- How have you used denial to attempt to guard your mind?
- Have you filled or are you filling your mind with hurtful and unhealthy movies, televisions programs, Internet sites, magazines, or books?
- How have you failed to concentrate on the positive truths of the Bible?
2. Your body
- What past activities or habits caused harm to your physical body?
Oh my gosh, what HASN'T? I've always had issues with food, and I use it to mask my hurts, so I've been overweight since I was a little kid. I never participated in sports, so I didn't get much exercise. As I got older, and experienced sex, I decided that was a great way to feel loved and accepted, so I had far too many sexual encounters with boys and men, disrespecting my body along the way. And I had an abortion, which was definitely harmful to my body, my heart, and my mind. It took me a long time to forgive myself for that, but I know God forgives me and that's good enough for me. I accept his grace and mercy.
- In what ways have you mistreated your body?
Abortion. Excess weight. Too much food, and not the healthy kind.
- If you have abused alcohol drugs, foods, or sex, how did they negatively affect your body?
Sex has always been my drug of choice, and the result has been numerous vaginal infections, STDs, and a pregnancy. Food is my other drug, and that has kept me overweight all my life. Holding on to excess weight was a subconscious protection mechanism, and I've been hesitant to let it go. On the contrary, every hurt or disappointment brought more weight and I topped out at my highest ever just last year. Thank GOD, I've been successful this year in losing weight and keeping it off :)
- What have you done to restore God's temple?
Prayed, asked for forgiveness, and I've undertaken a new healthy lifestyle this year. I've lost 43# so far, and I'm not done yet. God's temple deserves better than I've given it up until now!
3. Your family
- Have you mistreated anyone in your family verbally, emotionally, or physically?
Well ... yeah.
Verbally - I'm not a terribly abusive person these days, and I try not to use hurtful words. But in my younger years, I'm certain I was verbally abusive to each of them at some point or another. My sister got the most (she's 2.5 years younger, her birth ruined my life, and she was irritating ... duh! LOL). But my mom, too. I held her responsible for my dad's unhappiness and absenteeism, so I pretty much hated her most of my life. I tolerated my mother's presence because I had to, but I never particularly LIKED HER or CARED about what she was going through. My dad, well he was my hero, but he let me down a lot, so I know I flipped off at him and said things I shouldn't have as a kid.
Emotionally - I could probably just repeat what I said about verbal abuse. BUT - my mom got most of the emotional abuse, even more so than my sister. As far as I was concerned, she was forcing my dad to be away from us because she was too needy and she nagged him too much.
Physically - Nope, that's not my thing. I'd much rather hurt with words where I can be crafty and hurt to the core.
- Who in your family do you hold a resentment against? Why?
Would you be shocked to hear me say "my mom"? Because yep, that's the one. My sister and I get along well now, my dad and I have always been close and we've recovered from his momentary lapses of sanity that impacted my life. But my mom ... as much as I know I should forgive her, I haven't been able to. I just can't find it in me. I think part of that is because she continues to do the damaging stuff to me, even as an adult. And I have a hard time with somebody telling me they're sorry, but continuing to do the same thing over and over and over. I know it's not what Jesus would do, and it's not what I'm supposed to do. But that's something I continue to struggle with and work on.
- Can you think of anyone to whom you owe amends? Why?
All of the above. As stated.
- What is the "family secret" that you have kept denying?
This question gets me every time, because I don't feel like we really had one. But also because I don't deny much of anything. I'm more about facing reality, dealing with it, and learning from it. So for us, it was probably my dad's indiscretions and my grandfather's "other" kid. Oh, and Granny's closet drinking.
- How have relationships improved since you have been in recovery?
I don't attribute improved relationships to recovery as much as I do to church and to God. Without a growing relationship with Christ, and continued participation in church, I wouldn't be who I am today, and I wouldn't be in recovery at all. But with regard to relationships, I find myself much more capable of extending grace, mercy, and love. I'm not as judgmental and critical of family and friends. I forgive easier (except for mom), and I'm much more willing now to admit and accept my own faults. I've become more self aware, and am more sensitive and empathetic towards others.
4. Your church
- How would you rate your past participation in your church?
___ very involved
_X_ semi active member
___ sideline member
___ attender
___ went only on holidays
___ never attended
Since early adulthood, I remember myself always craved church. I wanted to be involved in church, to be present and to have a relationship with God. As a child, I attended with my great grandmother and for a while with my parents at the Seventh Day Adventist Church. Even in college, I attended church. I wasn't as involved then as I was later in life, but I was there. Over the past 15-20 years, I have become more deeply involved and a more active participant in serving and contributing to the overall mission of the church, to include sharing my own story more with other people. At this point in time, I'm highly active and I enjoy my church life immensely. I find that the majority of my time is spent in church-related activities :)
- Prior to your recovery, what was your main reason for going to church?
Early on, because my Granny took me. She was a very strong Christian. Toss in the Mormon Church because my other grandparents took me. But as I got older, I went by choice. To grow closer to God, to build my faith, to increase my reliance upon God, to build a social network of Christian friends, to participate in women's bible studies and serving events.
- Have you ever tried to discourage any family members from church involvement? How? Why?
Nope. Never.
- How has your commitment to your church increased since starting your recovery (give examples)?
To be honest, I don't think it has increased much at all. I think it's actually the reverse for me. The stronger I've become in my commitment to church, the more I've relied upon God, the more I've wanted to please Him by being the healthiest me I can be, and the more I've felt the tug to participate more deeply IN recovery. Without church, I wouldn't be here at CR or step study! So I guess I'd say I'm more involved in the CR aspects of church since starting recovery :)
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
Your mind:
- How have you guarded your mind in the past? Denial?
- Have you filled your mind with hurtful and unhealthy movies, television programs, internet sites, magazines, or books?
- Have you failed to concentrate on the positive truths of the Bible?
Your body:
- In what ways in the past have you mistreated your body?
- Have you abused alcohol and drugs? Food? Sex?
- What past activities or habits caused harm to your physical health?
Your family:
- In the past, have you mistreated anyone in your family?
- Who in your family do you have a resentment against?
- Who do you owe an amends to?
- What is the family secret that you have been denying?
Your church:
- Have you been faithful to your church in the past?
- Have you been critical rather than active?
- In the past have you discouraged your family's support of their church?
Write About It
1. Your mind
- Since accepting Christ as your higher power, how has God transformed your mind? What worldly standards have you given up?
- How have you used denial to attempt to guard your mind?
- Have you filled or are you filling your mind with hurtful and unhealthy movies, televisions programs, Internet sites, magazines, or books?
- How have you failed to concentrate on the positive truths of the Bible?
2. Your body
- What past activities or habits caused harm to your physical body?
Oh my gosh, what HASN'T? I've always had issues with food, and I use it to mask my hurts, so I've been overweight since I was a little kid. I never participated in sports, so I didn't get much exercise. As I got older, and experienced sex, I decided that was a great way to feel loved and accepted, so I had far too many sexual encounters with boys and men, disrespecting my body along the way. And I had an abortion, which was definitely harmful to my body, my heart, and my mind. It took me a long time to forgive myself for that, but I know God forgives me and that's good enough for me. I accept his grace and mercy.
- In what ways have you mistreated your body?
Abortion. Excess weight. Too much food, and not the healthy kind.
- If you have abused alcohol drugs, foods, or sex, how did they negatively affect your body?
Sex has always been my drug of choice, and the result has been numerous vaginal infections, STDs, and a pregnancy. Food is my other drug, and that has kept me overweight all my life. Holding on to excess weight was a subconscious protection mechanism, and I've been hesitant to let it go. On the contrary, every hurt or disappointment brought more weight and I topped out at my highest ever just last year. Thank GOD, I've been successful this year in losing weight and keeping it off :)
- What have you done to restore God's temple?
Prayed, asked for forgiveness, and I've undertaken a new healthy lifestyle this year. I've lost 43# so far, and I'm not done yet. God's temple deserves better than I've given it up until now!
3. Your family
- Have you mistreated anyone in your family verbally, emotionally, or physically?
Well ... yeah.
Verbally - I'm not a terribly abusive person these days, and I try not to use hurtful words. But in my younger years, I'm certain I was verbally abusive to each of them at some point or another. My sister got the most (she's 2.5 years younger, her birth ruined my life, and she was irritating ... duh! LOL). But my mom, too. I held her responsible for my dad's unhappiness and absenteeism, so I pretty much hated her most of my life. I tolerated my mother's presence because I had to, but I never particularly LIKED HER or CARED about what she was going through. My dad, well he was my hero, but he let me down a lot, so I know I flipped off at him and said things I shouldn't have as a kid.
Emotionally - I could probably just repeat what I said about verbal abuse. BUT - my mom got most of the emotional abuse, even more so than my sister. As far as I was concerned, she was forcing my dad to be away from us because she was too needy and she nagged him too much.
Physically - Nope, that's not my thing. I'd much rather hurt with words where I can be crafty and hurt to the core.
- Who in your family do you hold a resentment against? Why?
Would you be shocked to hear me say "my mom"? Because yep, that's the one. My sister and I get along well now, my dad and I have always been close and we've recovered from his momentary lapses of sanity that impacted my life. But my mom ... as much as I know I should forgive her, I haven't been able to. I just can't find it in me. I think part of that is because she continues to do the damaging stuff to me, even as an adult. And I have a hard time with somebody telling me they're sorry, but continuing to do the same thing over and over and over. I know it's not what Jesus would do, and it's not what I'm supposed to do. But that's something I continue to struggle with and work on.
- Can you think of anyone to whom you owe amends? Why?
All of the above. As stated.
- What is the "family secret" that you have kept denying?
This question gets me every time, because I don't feel like we really had one. But also because I don't deny much of anything. I'm more about facing reality, dealing with it, and learning from it. So for us, it was probably my dad's indiscretions and my grandfather's "other" kid. Oh, and Granny's closet drinking.
- How have relationships improved since you have been in recovery?
I don't attribute improved relationships to recovery as much as I do to church and to God. Without a growing relationship with Christ, and continued participation in church, I wouldn't be who I am today, and I wouldn't be in recovery at all. But with regard to relationships, I find myself much more capable of extending grace, mercy, and love. I'm not as judgmental and critical of family and friends. I forgive easier (except for mom), and I'm much more willing now to admit and accept my own faults. I've become more self aware, and am more sensitive and empathetic towards others.
4. Your church
- How would you rate your past participation in your church?
___ very involved
_X_ semi active member
___ sideline member
___ attender
___ went only on holidays
___ never attended
Since early adulthood, I remember myself always craved church. I wanted to be involved in church, to be present and to have a relationship with God. As a child, I attended with my great grandmother and for a while with my parents at the Seventh Day Adventist Church. Even in college, I attended church. I wasn't as involved then as I was later in life, but I was there. Over the past 15-20 years, I have become more deeply involved and a more active participant in serving and contributing to the overall mission of the church, to include sharing my own story more with other people. At this point in time, I'm highly active and I enjoy my church life immensely. I find that the majority of my time is spent in church-related activities :)
- Prior to your recovery, what was your main reason for going to church?
Early on, because my Granny took me. She was a very strong Christian. Toss in the Mormon Church because my other grandparents took me. But as I got older, I went by choice. To grow closer to God, to build my faith, to increase my reliance upon God, to build a social network of Christian friends, to participate in women's bible studies and serving events.
- Have you ever tried to discourage any family members from church involvement? How? Why?
Nope. Never.
- How has your commitment to your church increased since starting your recovery (give examples)?
To be honest, I don't think it has increased much at all. I think it's actually the reverse for me. The stronger I've become in my commitment to church, the more I've relied upon God, the more I've wanted to please Him by being the healthiest me I can be, and the more I've felt the tug to participate more deeply IN recovery. Without church, I wouldn't be here at CR or step study! So I guess I'd say I'm more involved in the CR aspects of church since starting recovery :)
Thursday, June 16, 2016
LESSON 10 - SPIRITUAL INVENTORY PART I
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
"Search me, O God, and know my heard; test my thoughts Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." Psalm 139:23-24
1. Relationship with others:
- Who has hurt you? (Go as far back as you can.) How did they specifically hurt you?
- Who are you holding a grudge against? (Seeking revenge!)
- Who are you jealous of? (Past and present.) Why?
- Who have you hurt? And how did you hurt them?
- Who have you been critical of or gossiped about? Why?
- How have you attempted to place the blame on someone else? (Be specific)
- What new healthy relationships have you developed since you have been in recovery?
2. Priorities in Life
- What areas of your life have you been able to turn over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ?
- After acting on Principle 3, in what areas of your life are you still not putting God first? Why not?
- What in your past is keeping you from seeking and following God's will for your life?
- Number the following list in order of our personal preferences.
Career
Family
Church
Christ
Friendships
Money
Ministry
- What are your personal goals for the next ninety days? (Keep it simple!) To spend more time with God and develop a deeper relationship with Him. Continue to work on my health and fitness. GET A NEW JOB! Work on my recovery - knowing myself better and learning what to let go of :)
3. Attitude
- What areas in your life are you thankful for? My family, marriage, friends, church, CR, job, finances, dogs, recovery, my home, the blessings God has brought to my life, my faith, my hope for the future, my health, my fitness journey
- In the past, what things have you been ungrateful over? Unfairness, feeling like I'm the 'only one', my marriage, my jobs, my finances, not getting my way
- What causes you to lose your temper? Unfairness, injustice, not getting my way! Jerks, being made a fool of, people who demonstrate irresponsibility and disrespect
- To whom have you been sarcastic to in the past? (Give examples). Everybody. Sarcasm is my thing. I didn't realize until this program that sarcasm is "bad". I grew up being the tension breaker in my house, and sarcasm and jokes were the way I did that. I thought the ability to be sarcastic and funny made me cool! I'm sarcastic to my husband, my friends, my boss! I wish I could say that I don't intend to be harmful when I'm sarcastic, but that isn't always the case. I am sarcastic when I'm trying to make a point or when I'm being flip towards somebody or something. I find myself now paying better attention to my sarcasm, and looking at its purpose or my intention. It's going to be a long road.
- What in your past are you still worried about? I've dealt with the majority of my past, so I don't worry about much anymore. But I do worry about my relationship with my mom, because I've never been able to forgive her, and I don't want to regret that when she passes. Not doing a better job of showing my family that I love them.
- How has your attitude improved since you have been in recovery? I think my attitude was pretty good before recovery, but I'd say that I have a little more peace, see more hope in things, I look to God for more direction, and I show more gratitude to Him. And I definitely show more grace to others.
4. Integrity
- In the past, how have you exaggerated to make yourself look good? (Give examples). I don't know that I exaggerate to make myself look good ... but I probably have! OH! I have definitely made others look WORSE in an effort to make myself look better when we're at odds -- to get others to side with me :) And I've definitely bragged about my accomplishments, to try to fit in and make myself popular. I have also used material things to make myself look richer, happier, prettier. Furs, cars, jewelry. I tried for a very long time to keep up with the Jones's.
- Does your walk as a Christian match your talk? Are your actions the same at recovery meetings, church, home, and work? I'm pretty transparent these days, and I don't put on airs like I once did - what you see is what you get! - so I'd say yes. Does that mean I'm a perfect Christian? Not a chance! But I'm not selective about my weaknesses - when I cuss, I do it at home or in the church parking lot. When I lose my temper, it doesn't matter where I am. When I sin, I sin. But I continue to try to improve my relationship with God and my walk as a Christian. On another note, I've grown into a person who has a good sense of self, can see my faults without criticizing myself, and who apologizes when she's wrong. I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong, and I try to genuinely learn from my mistakes.
- In what areas of your past have you used false humility to impress someone? I don't even know what that means. I do have a habit of minimizing complements sometimes. As a kid, I was a big people pleaser, which is apparently a form of false humility. And caring what others think is also a form of false humility, and I used to care ALOT about what people thought. Today, I don't. What you think of me is not really any of my business :) God loves me!
- Have any of your past business dealings been dishonest? Have you ever stolen things? Yep. This is where I've had my biggest struggle, and I can see that now. I haven't always been honest about things, especially when it would benefit me not to be. THIS is where I would stretch the truth or exaggerate. And yes, I've stolen things. I'm not proud of that. I'm not sure where I got the idea that I was entitled to do that, but I suspect it came from a childhood of being second all the time. I was actually arrested as a teenager for stealing from a store in Tysons Corner, and had to do community service.
- List the ways you have been able to get out of your denial (distorted/dishonest thinking) into God's truth?
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
"Search me, O God, and know my heard; test my thoughts Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." Psalm 139:23-24
1. Relationship with others:
- Who has hurt you? (Go as far back as you can.) How did they specifically hurt you?
- Who are you holding a grudge against? (Seeking revenge!)
- Who are you jealous of? (Past and present.) Why?
- Who have you hurt? And how did you hurt them?
- Who have you been critical of or gossiped about? Why?
- How have you attempted to place the blame on someone else? (Be specific)
- What new healthy relationships have you developed since you have been in recovery?
2. Priorities in Life
- What areas of your life have you been able to turn over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ?
- After acting on Principle 3, in what areas of your life are you still not putting God first? Why not?
- What in your past is keeping you from seeking and following God's will for your life?
- Number the following list in order of our personal preferences.
Career
Family
Church
Christ
Friendships
Money
Ministry
- What are your personal goals for the next ninety days? (Keep it simple!) To spend more time with God and develop a deeper relationship with Him. Continue to work on my health and fitness. GET A NEW JOB! Work on my recovery - knowing myself better and learning what to let go of :)
3. Attitude
- What areas in your life are you thankful for? My family, marriage, friends, church, CR, job, finances, dogs, recovery, my home, the blessings God has brought to my life, my faith, my hope for the future, my health, my fitness journey
- In the past, what things have you been ungrateful over? Unfairness, feeling like I'm the 'only one', my marriage, my jobs, my finances, not getting my way
- What causes you to lose your temper? Unfairness, injustice, not getting my way! Jerks, being made a fool of, people who demonstrate irresponsibility and disrespect
- To whom have you been sarcastic to in the past? (Give examples). Everybody. Sarcasm is my thing. I didn't realize until this program that sarcasm is "bad". I grew up being the tension breaker in my house, and sarcasm and jokes were the way I did that. I thought the ability to be sarcastic and funny made me cool! I'm sarcastic to my husband, my friends, my boss! I wish I could say that I don't intend to be harmful when I'm sarcastic, but that isn't always the case. I am sarcastic when I'm trying to make a point or when I'm being flip towards somebody or something. I find myself now paying better attention to my sarcasm, and looking at its purpose or my intention. It's going to be a long road.
- What in your past are you still worried about? I've dealt with the majority of my past, so I don't worry about much anymore. But I do worry about my relationship with my mom, because I've never been able to forgive her, and I don't want to regret that when she passes. Not doing a better job of showing my family that I love them.
- How has your attitude improved since you have been in recovery? I think my attitude was pretty good before recovery, but I'd say that I have a little more peace, see more hope in things, I look to God for more direction, and I show more gratitude to Him. And I definitely show more grace to others.
4. Integrity
- In the past, how have you exaggerated to make yourself look good? (Give examples). I don't know that I exaggerate to make myself look good ... but I probably have! OH! I have definitely made others look WORSE in an effort to make myself look better when we're at odds -- to get others to side with me :) And I've definitely bragged about my accomplishments, to try to fit in and make myself popular. I have also used material things to make myself look richer, happier, prettier. Furs, cars, jewelry. I tried for a very long time to keep up with the Jones's.
- Does your walk as a Christian match your talk? Are your actions the same at recovery meetings, church, home, and work? I'm pretty transparent these days, and I don't put on airs like I once did - what you see is what you get! - so I'd say yes. Does that mean I'm a perfect Christian? Not a chance! But I'm not selective about my weaknesses - when I cuss, I do it at home or in the church parking lot. When I lose my temper, it doesn't matter where I am. When I sin, I sin. But I continue to try to improve my relationship with God and my walk as a Christian. On another note, I've grown into a person who has a good sense of self, can see my faults without criticizing myself, and who apologizes when she's wrong. I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong, and I try to genuinely learn from my mistakes.
- In what areas of your past have you used false humility to impress someone? I don't even know what that means. I do have a habit of minimizing complements sometimes. As a kid, I was a big people pleaser, which is apparently a form of false humility. And caring what others think is also a form of false humility, and I used to care ALOT about what people thought. Today, I don't. What you think of me is not really any of my business :) God loves me!
- Have any of your past business dealings been dishonest? Have you ever stolen things? Yep. This is where I've had my biggest struggle, and I can see that now. I haven't always been honest about things, especially when it would benefit me not to be. THIS is where I would stretch the truth or exaggerate. And yes, I've stolen things. I'm not proud of that. I'm not sure where I got the idea that I was entitled to do that, but I suspect it came from a childhood of being second all the time. I was actually arrested as a teenager for stealing from a store in Tysons Corner, and had to do community service.
- List the ways you have been able to get out of your denial (distorted/dishonest thinking) into God's truth?
Monday, May 2, 2016
LESSON 8 - MORAL
LESSON 8 - MORAL
Dear God, you know my past, all the good and the bad things that I've done. In this step, I ask that you give me the strength and the courage to list those things so that I can "come clean" and face them and the truth. Please help me reach out to others you have placed along my "road to recovery." Thank you for providing them to help me keep balanced as I do my inventory. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
2. What date have you set aside to start? What time? Sunday, May 29 1000am.
Principle 4 Prayer
Dear God, you know my past, all the good and the bad things that I've done. In this step, I ask that you give me the strength and the courage to list those things so that I can "come clean" and face them and the truth. Please help me reach out to others you have placed along my "road to recovery." Thank you for providing them to help me keep balanced as I do my inventory. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
1. Where will you go for quiet time to begin your inventory? The Mann Cave.
2. What date have you set aside to start? What time? Sunday, May 29 1000am.
3. What are your fears as you begin your inventory? Why? That I won't be able to remember everything - especially when it comes to what I've done to harm others. And that I will be overwhelmed with feelings that I "thought" I had already worked through. I guess I'm worried that I'll have my bubble burst, and after all my counseling, I prefer that NOT happen :)
4. What can you do to help you "wake up" your feelings? I can ask God to open my eyes and my heart and help me acknowledge the areas I need to. I can answer questions like, "What do I feel guilty about, what do I resent, what do I fear." And I can rely on God to give me the courage and strength that doing my inventory requires.
5. Describe your experience of turning your life over to Christ. It was freaky weird, like Twilight Zone freaky weird. I had already turned my life over to Christ as a teenager, but when I read the prayer again as an adult - during a Christianity class at church - I thought I was just reading aloud with my classmates. BOY, was I wrong. I felt a warmness come into my body and I could feel the Holy Spirit filling me up. I was speechless and dumfounded, just sitting there with tears in my eyes. I knew that this time it was different, this time I MEANT IT, this time God heard me and knew I was ready. And so it was.
6. How do you attempt to turn your will to God's care on a daily basis? I pray, and I do my best to think about what God would want - WWJD, if you will. I try to remember to show gratitude and thanks to Him for the good things, and even some of that bad (I'm not always as good at remembering to thank Him for those). I acknowledge Him on a pretty regular basis, often looking up and saying Hi. But I definitely need to do better about listening (and stopping my own talking long enough for him to get a word in edgewise!)
7. List the things you have used to block the pain of your past. As a kid, I tried to please everybody and gain their approval. I thought if I could make everybody happy, and people approved of me, they would love me and treat me well - hence, no pain. As a result, I began to strive for perfection. Perfection had to make people like me, right? So I set exceptionally high expectations for myself and set out to achieve them. Which rarely happened, of course. What happened instead was self loathing and beating myself up when I couldn't achieve them - a little counter productive. I also adopted comedy as my means of coping. I was always the one who would toss out a sarcastic or comical comment to break the tension when it was so think you could cut it with a knife. As I got older, and learned to cook basic stuff like hot dogs and mac & cheese, I started comforting myself with food. Food was something I could control. Control - or the illusion thereof - made me feel better, and the cheesiness of mac and cheese REALLY made me feel better, so surely the two combined would take the pain away!! That was likely the beginning of my belief that by controlling everything and everybody in my life, I could avoid the pain. That continues even though, though not nearly as much. Early in my teenage years, I started turning to boys and sex to block the pain. If the boys gave me sexual attention, it had to mean they liked me, and if they liked me, I didn't have to believe the lies of the past and carry that hurt around ... right? Nope. Liking me and wanting to have sex with me were mutually exclusive. One had nothing to do with the other. So then came the pain of rejection, which led to more food to fill the void. As I got older, I began to spend. I would attempt to buy myself out of pain. If I had enough STUFF, I could be happy and at peace. So I bought A LOT of stuff. The shocker is, that didn't take away the pain, either. So I started counseling. A LONG time ago. And I still see her. Together we've done TONS of work on my baggage, and my load gets lighter all the time :)
8. What have you done to step out of your denial? Counseling, lots and lots of counseling. It's rarely laborious though, it's all just part of my journey to becoming whole, and I'm fascinated by my travels. Accepting Christ has also done a lot to lead me out of denial. When you accept Christ and you learn that humility is a favorable trait, you suddenly find that accepting yourself and your flaws is ok and acceptable. We all have them and we don't have to feel guilt or shame. But we do have to make amends. And that's another part of the journey.
9. How can you continue to find new ways out of your denial of the past? By praying and continuing to ask God to show me areas I need to examine and make amends for. By reading His word and knowing His will. By talking to my sponsor and working this program. And by continuing to talk to my counselor when I need to.
10. Why is it important to do a written inventory? Not sure if the point of this question is about DOING the inventory, or about it being a WRITTEN inventory. But I believe the point of doing the inventory itself is that we need to free ourselves from the junk we carry around every day, and we can only be free of what we acknowledge. And by writing it down, the act of writing is therapeutic AND it makes it impossible for us to forget what we wrote :)
11. What are some of the good things you have done in the past? I have loved and cared for other people. I have provided help when others have needed it. I have taken care of people and animals. I have volunteered myself and my time and my finances. I have forgiven.
12. What are some of the negative things you have done in the past? I have tried to control everybody else. I have been judgmental and gossipy. I have put others' needs ahead of my own and allowed myself to suffer.
13. Do you have a sponsor or accountability partner to help keep your inventory balanced? I absolutely do, I have both!!
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
LESSON 7 - SPONSOR
LESSON 7 - SPONSOR
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
1. Why is it important for you to have a support team? Working a recovery program is hard work and can be emotionally draining at times. By having a support team, I am surrounding myself with others who have either been through the recovery process already, or are in it along side me. My support team can see me for who I am, even in areas I don't recognize, and provide me honest and loving feedback about my hurts, hang-ups, and habits. My support team can also help walk me through areas of recovery that I need help with, or talk me off a ledge if things get too difficult. Two are better than one; iron sharpens iron.
2. What qualities are you looking for in a sponsor? A Godly woman who walks her talk, one who has completed the 12 steps herself, she is open about her recovery and struggles, and she isn't too proud to let her own support team help her when she needs it. She is compassionate and caring, without being judgmental. She gets gratification by helping others with their recovery, and she is strong enough to handle my "what you see is what you get" personality. I need a woman who isn't intimidated by me (no pushovers!), and can stand up to me and tell me the truth about myself, in love, when she needs to.
3. How have you attempted to find a sponsor/accountability partner? I have been in CR at New Hope for 18 months now, and over the course of that time, I have gotten to know many amazing women. I have an awesome support system in place already, and I will continue to add "formally" to my accountability partners in the coming weeks.
4. What are some new places and ways you can try to find a sponsor/accountability partner? I can broaden my circle by getting to better know the women who are in other small groups outside of my own, and can socialize with groups of women from CR.
5. What is the difference between a sponsor and an accountability partner? A sponsor is a woman with whom I develop a close, intimate, trusting relationship, that allows us to be transparent with one another so that she can help coach me through the good and bad of my recovery. An accountability partner is a woman who is in recovery like I am, who agrees to hold me accountable to my own behaviors associated with my hurts, hang-ups, and habits, and encourages me to keep going.
6. List the names and phone numbers of possible sponsors or accountability partners. These should be individuals you have met on your "Road to Recovery" who have touched you in the sharing of their experiences, strengths, and hopes.
Susan S
Cynthia A
Cuky
Sarah B
Kim F
Martha B
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
1. Why is it important for you to have a support team? Working a recovery program is hard work and can be emotionally draining at times. By having a support team, I am surrounding myself with others who have either been through the recovery process already, or are in it along side me. My support team can see me for who I am, even in areas I don't recognize, and provide me honest and loving feedback about my hurts, hang-ups, and habits. My support team can also help walk me through areas of recovery that I need help with, or talk me off a ledge if things get too difficult. Two are better than one; iron sharpens iron.
2. What qualities are you looking for in a sponsor? A Godly woman who walks her talk, one who has completed the 12 steps herself, she is open about her recovery and struggles, and she isn't too proud to let her own support team help her when she needs it. She is compassionate and caring, without being judgmental. She gets gratification by helping others with their recovery, and she is strong enough to handle my "what you see is what you get" personality. I need a woman who isn't intimidated by me (no pushovers!), and can stand up to me and tell me the truth about myself, in love, when she needs to.
3. How have you attempted to find a sponsor/accountability partner? I have been in CR at New Hope for 18 months now, and over the course of that time, I have gotten to know many amazing women. I have an awesome support system in place already, and I will continue to add "formally" to my accountability partners in the coming weeks.
4. What are some new places and ways you can try to find a sponsor/accountability partner? I can broaden my circle by getting to better know the women who are in other small groups outside of my own, and can socialize with groups of women from CR.
5. What is the difference between a sponsor and an accountability partner? A sponsor is a woman with whom I develop a close, intimate, trusting relationship, that allows us to be transparent with one another so that she can help coach me through the good and bad of my recovery. An accountability partner is a woman who is in recovery like I am, who agrees to hold me accountable to my own behaviors associated with my hurts, hang-ups, and habits, and encourages me to keep going.
6. List the names and phone numbers of possible sponsors or accountability partners. These should be individuals you have met on your "Road to Recovery" who have touched you in the sharing of their experiences, strengths, and hopes.
Susan S
Cynthia A
Cuky
Sarah B
Kim F
Martha B
Monday, April 18, 2016
LESSON 6 - ACTION
LESSON 6 - ACTION
Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control
Step 3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
1. What differences have you noticed in your life now that you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Higher Power? I have noticed that my trust in God has grown significantly, and I rely on Him much more than I did before. I have also calmed down ALOT. I am not wound as tightly as I used to be, and I don't get as worried about things or have such a strong need to control everything. My marriage is the best it has ever been, which is just a God thing, considering that not even two years ago, I would have sworn we would be divorced by now. I finally feel the sense of peace in my life that I searched and searched for, but until now wasn't able to obtain. There's more, but that's a good start :)
2. How has your definition of willpower changed since you have been in recovery? I used to believe that willpower was MY power to control myself, to keep myself from doing things I shouldn't, or to do the "right" things that I should. Now I know that real willpower is the willingness to accept GOD's power over my life.
3. What have you been able to turn over to God? My marriage, my health and my weight, SOME of my finances, my relationships with friends and family, most of the conflict in my life, my need to control other people (most of the time LOL).
4. What do you fear turning over to His care? The REST of my finances, my decision making (I still typically make fast decisions, and don't allow enough time for God to tell me what HE thinks I should do), my independence and self will.
5. What is keeping you from turning them over? Finances? Fear. Money has always been my hot button, because as a kid my parents fought over money constantly. No, really - constantly. It was always a topic surrounded by the fear of not having enough, and that instilled in me the belief that my security in life is tied to my finances, plain and simple. I have a nest egg, it makes me feel safe and it keeps me sane. If I give up control, and if I were to lose the egg, what happens to me, to my mind? Will I go crazy? Will I have to live in my car or in the shed in my dad's back yard? (That's been a life-long joke between us -- If I ever become homeless, there's always the shed! Dad would run an extension cord from the house so I could have some lights and watch a TV with rabbit ears). Giving up complete control of my finances is S-C-A-R-Y!
About my independence and self will -- well, I've taken care of myself most of my life, because my parent's weren't very good at it. I learned early that if I depended on me, I would be ok. But relying on other people wasn't nearly as safe. So I moved out after college and became self sufficient at 19. I lived in a studio apartment, had a job, paid my own bills, bought my own car, and still managed to eat. I've made my own decisions pretty much forever, priding myself on the fact that I'm logical and realistic and have a good amount of common sense. I've done well. But giving all that up and relying 100% on God, presents a scary situation for me. It suddenly calls into question the qualities I am proud of, and the side of me that others look up to and want to be like - my ability to get things done, make decisions, move forward, and get back up when I fall down. I'm good at that, I'm a survivor and a fighter, and I keep pressing on. If I rely completely on God, what do I do with myself?
6. What does the phrase, "live one day at a time" mean to you? Living one day at a time is what I do much more now. It means that I shouldn't spend time worrying about things that haven't happened yet - projecting, my therapist would call it. It means I don't have to expend valuable energy today worrying about things to come. One day at a time means that each thing that happens in my life - each hour or each minute of the day - is just that ... a moment in time, nothing more, and it will pass. So whether it's a good thing or a not-so-good thing, my job is to focus on that moment, and on getting to the next one. It means that every moment is another opportunity to make a change if I need to, or to show gratitude when I should, or make amends if I screw up. One day at a time means that I have countless opportunities to create the life God designed for me to have.
7. What is a major concern in your life? My only real CONCERN these days is my finances, like always. Having enough, making the right decisions, spending when I should and restraining myself when I need to. Eliminating the debt I have as quickly as I can, without digging the hole deeper in the process. It's a process, and it's slow going, but I'm learning to trust more :)
8. What is stopping you from turning it over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ? Me.
Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control
Step 3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
1. What differences have you noticed in your life now that you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Higher Power? I have noticed that my trust in God has grown significantly, and I rely on Him much more than I did before. I have also calmed down ALOT. I am not wound as tightly as I used to be, and I don't get as worried about things or have such a strong need to control everything. My marriage is the best it has ever been, which is just a God thing, considering that not even two years ago, I would have sworn we would be divorced by now. I finally feel the sense of peace in my life that I searched and searched for, but until now wasn't able to obtain. There's more, but that's a good start :)
2. How has your definition of willpower changed since you have been in recovery? I used to believe that willpower was MY power to control myself, to keep myself from doing things I shouldn't, or to do the "right" things that I should. Now I know that real willpower is the willingness to accept GOD's power over my life.
3. What have you been able to turn over to God? My marriage, my health and my weight, SOME of my finances, my relationships with friends and family, most of the conflict in my life, my need to control other people (most of the time LOL).
4. What do you fear turning over to His care? The REST of my finances, my decision making (I still typically make fast decisions, and don't allow enough time for God to tell me what HE thinks I should do), my independence and self will.
5. What is keeping you from turning them over? Finances? Fear. Money has always been my hot button, because as a kid my parents fought over money constantly. No, really - constantly. It was always a topic surrounded by the fear of not having enough, and that instilled in me the belief that my security in life is tied to my finances, plain and simple. I have a nest egg, it makes me feel safe and it keeps me sane. If I give up control, and if I were to lose the egg, what happens to me, to my mind? Will I go crazy? Will I have to live in my car or in the shed in my dad's back yard? (That's been a life-long joke between us -- If I ever become homeless, there's always the shed! Dad would run an extension cord from the house so I could have some lights and watch a TV with rabbit ears). Giving up complete control of my finances is S-C-A-R-Y!
About my independence and self will -- well, I've taken care of myself most of my life, because my parent's weren't very good at it. I learned early that if I depended on me, I would be ok. But relying on other people wasn't nearly as safe. So I moved out after college and became self sufficient at 19. I lived in a studio apartment, had a job, paid my own bills, bought my own car, and still managed to eat. I've made my own decisions pretty much forever, priding myself on the fact that I'm logical and realistic and have a good amount of common sense. I've done well. But giving all that up and relying 100% on God, presents a scary situation for me. It suddenly calls into question the qualities I am proud of, and the side of me that others look up to and want to be like - my ability to get things done, make decisions, move forward, and get back up when I fall down. I'm good at that, I'm a survivor and a fighter, and I keep pressing on. If I rely completely on God, what do I do with myself?
6. What does the phrase, "live one day at a time" mean to you? Living one day at a time is what I do much more now. It means that I shouldn't spend time worrying about things that haven't happened yet - projecting, my therapist would call it. It means I don't have to expend valuable energy today worrying about things to come. One day at a time means that each thing that happens in my life - each hour or each minute of the day - is just that ... a moment in time, nothing more, and it will pass. So whether it's a good thing or a not-so-good thing, my job is to focus on that moment, and on getting to the next one. It means that every moment is another opportunity to make a change if I need to, or to show gratitude when I should, or make amends if I screw up. One day at a time means that I have countless opportunities to create the life God designed for me to have.
7. What is a major concern in your life? My only real CONCERN these days is my finances, like always. Having enough, making the right decisions, spending when I should and restraining myself when I need to. Eliminating the debt I have as quickly as I can, without digging the hole deeper in the process. It's a process, and it's slow going, but I'm learning to trust more :)
8. What is stopping you from turning it over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ? Me.
LESSON 5 - TURN
LESSON 5 - TURN
Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control.
Step 3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
1. What is stopping you from asking Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior? (If you have already done so, describe your experience). Not a thing! Did that a long time ago, as a young'n, but then did it again 6 years ago, on February 21, 2010. John and I were taking a generic "Christianity 101" class at our church at the time, and at the completion of the course, the class read the salvation prayer together, aloud. I didn't think anything of it, I had done this before, I knew the drill. But as I spoke the words, something in me changed. I felt SOMETHING. It was bizarre, like I entered the twilight zone. I felt a warmness come over me, and an overwhelming sense of the Holy Spirit filling up my soul. I froze. Seriously. I sat there, unable to speak, wondering what on earth was happening to me. The pastor was asking various people how they felt after the prayer, and when he asked me, I told him I didn't want to talk about it. I broke down in tears and told the group I didn't know what was happening, but it was freaking me out. THAT was the day that my life changed. THAT was the day I knew Jesus was with me, was filling me up, and was part of my life forever more.
2. How has relying on your "own understanding" caused problems in your life? Be specific. As I believe we've already discussed, relying on my own understanding has led me to many MISunderstandings, many failed relationships, many unrealistic expectations, many decisions that sent me headed in the wrong direction because I thought I knew best. My own understanding has had me fooled into thinking I could do it - all of it - on my own, and that I didn't need help from anyone. It tricked me into believing that my way was the right way, and that people who cared about me would WANT to do things to make me happy. My own understanding is terribly misinformed, and praise God that now I know better. I still don't make the right decisions all the time, don't get me wrong, but at least I know I have a higher power who loves me and has a plan for me, and I have the knowledge I need to make decisions that please Him -- or to ask him for forgiveness when, despite knowing better, I go rogue :)
3. What does "repent" mean to you? What do you need to repent of? Repentance is the act of asking God for forgiveness, but also having the desire to turn from whatever the act was, and choose to follow God's will instead of my own. Without the desire NOT to do it again, it isn't repentance. I haven't done my personal inventory yet, but there is plenty I need to repent of. How I've treated people, things I've said about people behind their backs, lies I've told, manipulation I've used, finances I've abused, tithes I haven't paid, love I haven't shown, materialism and idolatry I've exhibited, and those are just a few. In 48 years, I've developed quite a list. But more on that later.
4. What does the declaration of "not guilty" found in Romans 3:22 mean to you? ~~
5. When you turn your life over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, you have a "new life" (Cor 5:17). What does that "new life" mean to you? New life means I am a new creature in God, my old life has been wiped away and I have been wiped clean, white as snow. God has forgiven me of all my past transgressions, and loves me in spite of them. His Holy Spirit fills my heart and my soul, and his grace and mercy flood over me. I start each day as His child, pursuing the goodness of his will in my life, and wanting to please him.
6. What does the Principle 3 prayer mean to you? It means I finally "get it" and I understand that I cannot do this earthly life alone, I need Him to guide me and be my warrior and my protection. I need God's will in my life, and I need to continue to work on becoming more like His son, Jesus Christ. Rather than relying on my own understanding, I seek my direction and wisdom from God. And only He has the ability to heal my hurts, to fill the empty holes in my heart and my soul, and to complete me as He intended for me to be completed.
Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control.
Step 3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
1. What is stopping you from asking Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior? (If you have already done so, describe your experience). Not a thing! Did that a long time ago, as a young'n, but then did it again 6 years ago, on February 21, 2010. John and I were taking a generic "Christianity 101" class at our church at the time, and at the completion of the course, the class read the salvation prayer together, aloud. I didn't think anything of it, I had done this before, I knew the drill. But as I spoke the words, something in me changed. I felt SOMETHING. It was bizarre, like I entered the twilight zone. I felt a warmness come over me, and an overwhelming sense of the Holy Spirit filling up my soul. I froze. Seriously. I sat there, unable to speak, wondering what on earth was happening to me. The pastor was asking various people how they felt after the prayer, and when he asked me, I told him I didn't want to talk about it. I broke down in tears and told the group I didn't know what was happening, but it was freaking me out. THAT was the day that my life changed. THAT was the day I knew Jesus was with me, was filling me up, and was part of my life forever more.
2. How has relying on your "own understanding" caused problems in your life? Be specific. As I believe we've already discussed, relying on my own understanding has led me to many MISunderstandings, many failed relationships, many unrealistic expectations, many decisions that sent me headed in the wrong direction because I thought I knew best. My own understanding has had me fooled into thinking I could do it - all of it - on my own, and that I didn't need help from anyone. It tricked me into believing that my way was the right way, and that people who cared about me would WANT to do things to make me happy. My own understanding is terribly misinformed, and praise God that now I know better. I still don't make the right decisions all the time, don't get me wrong, but at least I know I have a higher power who loves me and has a plan for me, and I have the knowledge I need to make decisions that please Him -- or to ask him for forgiveness when, despite knowing better, I go rogue :)
3. What does "repent" mean to you? What do you need to repent of? Repentance is the act of asking God for forgiveness, but also having the desire to turn from whatever the act was, and choose to follow God's will instead of my own. Without the desire NOT to do it again, it isn't repentance. I haven't done my personal inventory yet, but there is plenty I need to repent of. How I've treated people, things I've said about people behind their backs, lies I've told, manipulation I've used, finances I've abused, tithes I haven't paid, love I haven't shown, materialism and idolatry I've exhibited, and those are just a few. In 48 years, I've developed quite a list. But more on that later.
4. What does the declaration of "not guilty" found in Romans 3:22 mean to you? ~~
5. When you turn your life over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, you have a "new life" (Cor 5:17). What does that "new life" mean to you? New life means I am a new creature in God, my old life has been wiped away and I have been wiped clean, white as snow. God has forgiven me of all my past transgressions, and loves me in spite of them. His Holy Spirit fills my heart and my soul, and his grace and mercy flood over me. I start each day as His child, pursuing the goodness of his will in my life, and wanting to please him.
Principle 3 Prayer:
Dear God, I have tried to do it all by myself, on my own power, and I have failed. Today, I want to turn my life over to you. I ask you to be my Lord and my Savior. You are the one and only higher power! I ask that you help me start to think less about me and my will. I want to daily turn my will over to you, to daily seek your direction and wisdom for my life. Please continue to help me overcome my hurts, hang-ups, and habits, and may that victory over them help others as they see your power at work in changing my life. Help me to do your will always. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
6. What does the Principle 3 prayer mean to you? It means I finally "get it" and I understand that I cannot do this earthly life alone, I need Him to guide me and be my warrior and my protection. I need God's will in my life, and I need to continue to work on becoming more like His son, Jesus Christ. Rather than relying on my own understanding, I seek my direction and wisdom from God. And only He has the ability to heal my hurts, to fill the empty holes in my heart and my soul, and to complete me as He intended for me to be completed.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
LESSON 4 - SANITY
LESSON 4 - SANITY
Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
"Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
"For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Philippians 2:13
1. What things have you been doing over and over again, expecting a different result each time (insanity)?
Believing that "this time" my mom won't let me down
Believing that food or shopping or busyness or material goods will fill up the holes in my soul
Believing that perfection is actually achievable if I work hard enough
Believing that people who love me should WANT to do things my way
Believing that anything short of perfection means failure
2. What is your definition of sanity?
I think sanity is essentially about knowing your truth, and being rational with your requests and expectations, and learning from your experiences.
3. How have your past expectations of yourself or others been unrealistic? Give examples.
Oh gosh, how much time do we have? My expectations of myself have always been VERY high. I can't even describe all the ways that I have held myself to such high standards, but I can only tell you that I have. My dad instilled that in me as a child, I guess. He has a very strong work ethic, he believes in doing things right the first time, things like that. But he was never abusively demanding. He didn't force those standards into me, I just think I learned by example. On Saturday mornings at my house, we got up at 8, or 830 if dad was being particularly generous, because there were chores to do, wood to chop, bathrooms to clean. That's just how it was - there was none of this sleeping until noon or 2pm crap like teenagers now (what is THAT??). And to this day I have always had a problem sitting still and being quiet, because I believed that if I had time to sit, that meant I had time to be doing something! Drives my husband CRAZY. But I'm better about that now. I embrace and enjoy the quiet stillness (most of the time). In school, as an adult attending Liberty University, the first time I took a test and got a B, I CRIED. Seriously, CRIED! I had to call my BFF to talk me down! That was only two years ago -- so clearly these things have stuck!
My mom was a different story. She has always been very insecure and she was taught as a child that appearances are what is important, so she has always been a runner and a gym rat - and a size 2. Having her as my mom led me to believe that being "fit" was what gauged my success in life. Unfortunately, that led to extremely unrealistic expectations of myself, considering that I am cut from the other side of the cloth (my dad's), and I'm not at all built like my mom. I kept (unrealistically) expecting myself to measure up to mom and look like mom, but never succeeded. So the result has been a lot of beating myself up over being a failure because I could never control my weight like mom. Super unrealistic!
With regards to unrealistic expectations of others, I started out - eons ago - believing that my happiness was the responsibility of other people - that they had the power to "make" me happy and to love myself. I believed that if other people found me worthy, I must be ok - right? The downside of that, of course, is that when somebody didn't like me, or they hurt my feelings, I was devastated and would beat myself up about what was wrong with me (rather than now - knowing it's not my issue, but theirs). In my marriages, I believed for a long time that things should be done my way, because my way was the right way - right? I pride myself on being a logical, sensible, no-nonsense type of chick, and since I am pretty efficient about getting things done - correctly, I might add (except for my own weight LOL) - surely my husbands (and others) could see the VALUE in following my lead - right? Yeah ... not so much. My need to control caused a lot of conflict in my marriages, and drove my husbands to resentment towards me, and sometimes gives people the impression that I'm only worried about myself. Which really is not the case, because I care so much about other people and their needs, but I understand that's not always the impression I give. Luckily for me, God is working on me!
4. In the past, how has trusting only in your own feelings and emotions gotten you in trouble?
Following on to the last question, by trusting only my own feelings and emotions, I set myself up for failure! And a lot of heartache and pain. A lot of beating myself up when I didn't deserve it, especially as a kid who didn't know any better. I beat myself up for my parent's divorce (must have been my fault, right?), I beat myself up over my inability to be a size 2, 4, 6, I beat myself up over not making straight As, and the list goes on. My short-sightedness (or perhaps we'll just call it what it really was - lack of knowing any better) prohibited me from seeing that there might actually be a different cause to any situation, whatever it was at the time. I was so emotionally wrapped up in my own perception of truth that I was unable to look rationally at myself, or the problem to see where I might have been blameless. Likewise, I wasn't able to see past my own wants or need to control, to see that my husband's viewpoint might have held merit. I just dug my heels in and protested, claiming my "rightness" until he gave in. I'd say my own feelings and emotions have not been very reliable up until a couple years ago ... now they're better, although they still falter.
5. How can your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, help restore you to make sane decisions? How do you get a second chance?
Jesus can show me His way - the right way - and show me how to make healthy decisions by trusting him. I get a second chance by accepting His Blood as enough to save me from myself and my own pride. and then I must surrender my broken, prideful, and pain filled body and soul back to Him, the person who molded it with His own hands.
6. What areas of your life are you ready to release control of and hand over to God? Be specific.
x
Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
"Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
"For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Philippians 2:13
1. What things have you been doing over and over again, expecting a different result each time (insanity)?
Believing that "this time" my mom won't let me down
Believing that food or shopping or busyness or material goods will fill up the holes in my soul
Believing that perfection is actually achievable if I work hard enough
Believing that people who love me should WANT to do things my way
Believing that anything short of perfection means failure
2. What is your definition of sanity?
I think sanity is essentially about knowing your truth, and being rational with your requests and expectations, and learning from your experiences.
3. How have your past expectations of yourself or others been unrealistic? Give examples.
Oh gosh, how much time do we have? My expectations of myself have always been VERY high. I can't even describe all the ways that I have held myself to such high standards, but I can only tell you that I have. My dad instilled that in me as a child, I guess. He has a very strong work ethic, he believes in doing things right the first time, things like that. But he was never abusively demanding. He didn't force those standards into me, I just think I learned by example. On Saturday mornings at my house, we got up at 8, or 830 if dad was being particularly generous, because there were chores to do, wood to chop, bathrooms to clean. That's just how it was - there was none of this sleeping until noon or 2pm crap like teenagers now (what is THAT??). And to this day I have always had a problem sitting still and being quiet, because I believed that if I had time to sit, that meant I had time to be doing something! Drives my husband CRAZY. But I'm better about that now. I embrace and enjoy the quiet stillness (most of the time). In school, as an adult attending Liberty University, the first time I took a test and got a B, I CRIED. Seriously, CRIED! I had to call my BFF to talk me down! That was only two years ago -- so clearly these things have stuck!
My mom was a different story. She has always been very insecure and she was taught as a child that appearances are what is important, so she has always been a runner and a gym rat - and a size 2. Having her as my mom led me to believe that being "fit" was what gauged my success in life. Unfortunately, that led to extremely unrealistic expectations of myself, considering that I am cut from the other side of the cloth (my dad's), and I'm not at all built like my mom. I kept (unrealistically) expecting myself to measure up to mom and look like mom, but never succeeded. So the result has been a lot of beating myself up over being a failure because I could never control my weight like mom. Super unrealistic!
With regards to unrealistic expectations of others, I started out - eons ago - believing that my happiness was the responsibility of other people - that they had the power to "make" me happy and to love myself. I believed that if other people found me worthy, I must be ok - right? The downside of that, of course, is that when somebody didn't like me, or they hurt my feelings, I was devastated and would beat myself up about what was wrong with me (rather than now - knowing it's not my issue, but theirs). In my marriages, I believed for a long time that things should be done my way, because my way was the right way - right? I pride myself on being a logical, sensible, no-nonsense type of chick, and since I am pretty efficient about getting things done - correctly, I might add (except for my own weight LOL) - surely my husbands (and others) could see the VALUE in following my lead - right? Yeah ... not so much. My need to control caused a lot of conflict in my marriages, and drove my husbands to resentment towards me, and sometimes gives people the impression that I'm only worried about myself. Which really is not the case, because I care so much about other people and their needs, but I understand that's not always the impression I give. Luckily for me, God is working on me!
4. In the past, how has trusting only in your own feelings and emotions gotten you in trouble?
Following on to the last question, by trusting only my own feelings and emotions, I set myself up for failure! And a lot of heartache and pain. A lot of beating myself up when I didn't deserve it, especially as a kid who didn't know any better. I beat myself up for my parent's divorce (must have been my fault, right?), I beat myself up over my inability to be a size 2, 4, 6, I beat myself up over not making straight As, and the list goes on. My short-sightedness (or perhaps we'll just call it what it really was - lack of knowing any better) prohibited me from seeing that there might actually be a different cause to any situation, whatever it was at the time. I was so emotionally wrapped up in my own perception of truth that I was unable to look rationally at myself, or the problem to see where I might have been blameless. Likewise, I wasn't able to see past my own wants or need to control, to see that my husband's viewpoint might have held merit. I just dug my heels in and protested, claiming my "rightness" until he gave in. I'd say my own feelings and emotions have not been very reliable up until a couple years ago ... now they're better, although they still falter.
5. How can your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, help restore you to make sane decisions? How do you get a second chance?
Jesus can show me His way - the right way - and show me how to make healthy decisions by trusting him. I get a second chance by accepting His Blood as enough to save me from myself and my own pride. and then I must surrender my broken, prideful, and pain filled body and soul back to Him, the person who molded it with His own hands.
6. What areas of your life are you ready to release control of and hand over to God? Be specific.
x
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
LESSON 3 - HOPE
LESSON 3 - HOPE
Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me change.
Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
"For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Philippians 2:13.
1. Before taking this step, where were you trying to find hope? I have been a Christian for quite some time now, so I have always put hope in Christ. BUT - I haven't always put MOST of my hope in him. I have also sought hope in myself, my friends, and my therapist. I used to be quick to act on every little thing - as soon as there was a problem, I would call 10 different people to tell them ALL my story, so I could get their opinions, ultimately hoping for some nugget of hope that things could be better, to be tossed my way by each person I talked to. God has changed my heart thought, and these days I am much slower to react. I take time to stop - and pause - and think things through, allowing time for God to tell me what he wants me to know, and THEN I take action. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't still pick up the phone when something happens. But it's to call my BFF and bounce the situation off her, as opposed to broadcasting to anyone and everyone who will listen :)
2. What do you believe about God? What are some of His characteristics? I believe God is love - unconditionally.I believe he never leaves my side. He created all things. He sent his son to us. God is faithful. God is forgiving. God is holy. God is sovereign. God is infinite, he is, has always been, and will forever be. God is omniscient. God is merciful. God is gracious, giving to us when we don't deserve it. God is omnipresent and omnipotent.
NOTE: Priscilla Scheier, "Who's Your Daddy" (Book)
3. How are your feelings for your heavenly Father and your earthly Father alike? How do they differ? It took me a long time to see the similarities in my earthly father and my heavenly father, because it took me a long time to really grasp God - who he is, what he is, how he plays a role in my life. But now I understand! My fathers both love me unconditionally, they want the best for me - even when I think I know better than they do :) They both step in to help me when I ask for it and sometimes even when I don't, they show me grace and mercy, but discipline me in love. They both comfort me and are protective over me.
My feelings for them are the same in that I love them, I want to please them, I value their opinions (but don't always follow them) and want them to be proud of me and my decisions. My relationships differ in that, even now, I find myself much more willing to listen to my earthly father, because I can see him, touch him, hear him. But I know that God can heal me and complete me in areas that I still have "holes" in my soul, and only he can do that. I trust that he has a plan for me and I know that he works all things for His good. I trust his process.
NOTE: My heavenly father will never leave me or disappoint me, but my earthy father is human and is driven by his flesh. When I was 13, he divorced my mom and then left me to live with her and my sister. Then he met my stepmother and married her, and she was so insecure that he agreed to walk away from his children in order to make her feel safe. We didn't hear from him - by telephone or for his court-ordered visitation - for months. I was devastated. I was daddy's girl, I worshiped him, and he ditched me, for HER. God would never do that. [He came back about 5 or 6 months later and apologized, and we have a GREAT relationship today, but that pain never disappears from memory].
4. How can your relationship with your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, help you step out of your denial and face reality? By removing the fear of being imperfect and making it safe for me to be honest and transparent about my hurts, hang-ups, and habits. God's unconditional love opens my heart for learning about changes I need to make and how to make them.
5. In what areas of your life are you now ready to let God help you? So many! Marriage, food issues, finances, relationships, my busyness, and my need to control are just a few!
6. What things are you ready to change in your life? Where can you get the power to change them? Those things listed in 5 above, but also my negative self-talk, and negative self-image. I can get the power to change those things by having the discipline to spend daily quiet time with God and growing a deeper, more intimate relationship with him. I want his to remove the scales from my eyes so that I can see clearly the areas I need to change, and to help me focus on joy.
Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me change.
Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
"For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Philippians 2:13.
1. Before taking this step, where were you trying to find hope? I have been a Christian for quite some time now, so I have always put hope in Christ. BUT - I haven't always put MOST of my hope in him. I have also sought hope in myself, my friends, and my therapist. I used to be quick to act on every little thing - as soon as there was a problem, I would call 10 different people to tell them ALL my story, so I could get their opinions, ultimately hoping for some nugget of hope that things could be better, to be tossed my way by each person I talked to. God has changed my heart thought, and these days I am much slower to react. I take time to stop - and pause - and think things through, allowing time for God to tell me what he wants me to know, and THEN I take action. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't still pick up the phone when something happens. But it's to call my BFF and bounce the situation off her, as opposed to broadcasting to anyone and everyone who will listen :)
2. What do you believe about God? What are some of His characteristics? I believe God is love - unconditionally.I believe he never leaves my side. He created all things. He sent his son to us. God is faithful. God is forgiving. God is holy. God is sovereign. God is infinite, he is, has always been, and will forever be. God is omniscient. God is merciful. God is gracious, giving to us when we don't deserve it. God is omnipresent and omnipotent.
NOTE: Priscilla Scheier, "Who's Your Daddy" (Book)
3. How are your feelings for your heavenly Father and your earthly Father alike? How do they differ? It took me a long time to see the similarities in my earthly father and my heavenly father, because it took me a long time to really grasp God - who he is, what he is, how he plays a role in my life. But now I understand! My fathers both love me unconditionally, they want the best for me - even when I think I know better than they do :) They both step in to help me when I ask for it and sometimes even when I don't, they show me grace and mercy, but discipline me in love. They both comfort me and are protective over me.
My feelings for them are the same in that I love them, I want to please them, I value their opinions (but don't always follow them) and want them to be proud of me and my decisions. My relationships differ in that, even now, I find myself much more willing to listen to my earthly father, because I can see him, touch him, hear him. But I know that God can heal me and complete me in areas that I still have "holes" in my soul, and only he can do that. I trust that he has a plan for me and I know that he works all things for His good. I trust his process.
NOTE: My heavenly father will never leave me or disappoint me, but my earthy father is human and is driven by his flesh. When I was 13, he divorced my mom and then left me to live with her and my sister. Then he met my stepmother and married her, and she was so insecure that he agreed to walk away from his children in order to make her feel safe. We didn't hear from him - by telephone or for his court-ordered visitation - for months. I was devastated. I was daddy's girl, I worshiped him, and he ditched me, for HER. God would never do that. [He came back about 5 or 6 months later and apologized, and we have a GREAT relationship today, but that pain never disappears from memory].
4. How can your relationship with your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, help you step out of your denial and face reality? By removing the fear of being imperfect and making it safe for me to be honest and transparent about my hurts, hang-ups, and habits. God's unconditional love opens my heart for learning about changes I need to make and how to make them.
5. In what areas of your life are you now ready to let God help you? So many! Marriage, food issues, finances, relationships, my busyness, and my need to control are just a few!
6. What things are you ready to change in your life? Where can you get the power to change them? Those things listed in 5 above, but also my negative self-talk, and negative self-image. I can get the power to change those things by having the discipline to spend daily quiet time with God and growing a deeper, more intimate relationship with him. I want his to remove the scales from my eyes so that I can see clearly the areas I need to change, and to help me focus on joy.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
LESSON 2 - POWERLESS
LESSON TWO - POWERLESS
1. List some of the ways that your pride has stopped you from asking for and getting the help you need to overcome your hurts, hang-ups, and habits. I have been in counseling with the same therapist for about 25 years, meeting with her more often or less often as needed, each time working through whatever issues have arisen at the time and focusing on new tools to incorporate into my daily life, so I don’t feel that my pride has interfered much with me asking for help in that fashion.
When it comes to a more personal level,
however, I am much more inclined to allow pride to keep me stuck for longer
periods of time, because I’ve always been the “strong one,” the one who
everybody else comes to for help, and who can handle whatever life throws at
her. I think I’ve been more hesitant to
reach out and ask for help from friends or family, for fear that I’m just overreacting
or being silly, making mountains out of molehills, or that people would see me
as weak or incapable of handling my own “stuff”. Sometimes my hesitation to ask for help has
been to the detriment of my own emotional wellbeing, and I’ve suffered longer
than necessary. Although that may have
helped me grow a tougher skin or develop better coping skills, I have come to
know the value in being vulnerable and transparent with those close to me, and
that by doing so I’m creating deeper friendships and more intimate
relationships.
2. What in
your past has caused you to have the “if onlys”? “If only” I had stopped ___________ years
ago. “If only” _____________ hadn’t left
me.
a.
If only my parents had not divorced when I was
13.
b.
If only I had been involved in sports as a kid.
c.
If only I had waited longer before having sex.
d.
If only I had finished college the first
go-round.
e.
If only I had not cheated on my first husband.
f.
If only I had managed my money better as a
twenty-something.
g.
If only I had not been attracted to men who
needed fixing.
h.
If only I had not tied my value to how men
treated me.
i.
If only I had never learned how to negative
self-talk.
j.
If only I had accepted Christ sooner.
3. Instead of
worrying about things that we cannot control, we need to focus on what God can
do in our lies. What are you worrying
about? Why? I worry about all sorts of things – my
weight, finances, the dogs, my future at work, my husband’s health, my own
health, my mom, my dad. All sorts of
things!! Just depends on the day. And as for why … well that’s an excellent
question, isn’t it? I worry because I
think that I can somehow control the situation and influence the end
result. I worry because I don’t trust
God enough not to. I worry because I’m
trying to be my own God, rather than handing it over to the One. Silly me.
Clearly something I need to work on.
4. In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain? Be specific.
4. In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain? Be specific.
a.
First and foremost, FOOD. I wasn’t raised by Ward and June Cleaver with
their homemade dinners around the family dining table at 5pm. I was raised by the 18-year old
embarrassments who ended up pregnant in high school and didn’t have much in the
way of parenting skills. So nutritional
content in food wasn’t a big priority, but convenience was. And that meant pre-packaged boxes and cans,
so we ate awesome comfort foods like fried spam and macaroni and cheese Anyway,
I learned early how to make myself comfort food and that was something – in the
midst of marital chaos – that I COULD control.
So food was my friend. (OH - but
when I went to Granny’s I got homemade chicken and dumplings!)
b.
As I became a teenager, I escaped by gaining the
attention of males. I was very good at
being seductive and flirtatious, even before I knew that’s what I was
doing. I so desperately wanted to be the
center of someone’s attention that it didn’t matter whose. Any attention is better than no attention,
right?
c.
When I hit adulthood, which - back in the day -
meant I turned 18, was grandfathered into the drinking law (woot!), and was
(theoretically) free from parental control – I escaped by spending money. I was reeled in hook, line, and sinker, with
the “you’re pre-approved with no interest for the first 12 months” credit card
offers, so I bought what I wanted, when I wanted, because I could pay for it
later, right? The instant gratification
I got from buying things made me believe that enough of that “rush” would fill
the empty, gaping hole in my heart, that my parents never did.
NOTES: Busyness, trying to control everything, humor.
NOTES: Busyness, trying to control everything, humor.
5. How has
holding on to your anger and your resentments affected you? When I was younger,
I would sometimes retreat, crawl into my own shell as it were, wondering what I
did to cause the issue (I used to struggle with codependence, too). My first thought was always that it had to
have been my fault, and I would beat myself up about it and run the scenario
through in my head over and over and over trying to figure out why I was such a
loser. But at this point in my life, I
don’t hold on to either of those very often, or for very long, because there’s
no value added by doing so, and it certainly doesn’t help matters. Because when I do, it creates distance
between me and the other person, because when I’m angry or hurt, I don’t
particularly want to be around that person, or talk to them. Sometimes I need a little recovery time
before I can get myself mentally prepared to talk with them about whatever has
happened between us, but ultimately I find that place, have that conversation,
and do my best to help us move past it into a better place. NOTE: prevents me from extending grace to others.
6. Do you believe that loneliness is a choice? Why or why not? How has your denial isolated you from your important relationships? I don’t know that I agree it’s entirely a choice. With children, for instance, they only know what they’re taught and what the experience, and they often have very little control over their surroundings and how they’re treated. But I think that many factors in our lives can set us up for loneliness, and we sometimes don’t realize that the reason we are lonely is because of the decisions we have made. I really don't isolate anymore, I do quite the opposite and surround myself with friends. By isolating myself in the past, I denied myself close relationships for fear they would result in even more pain and disappointment than I had already experienced. As a result, I built up tall, sturdy walls of protection around me, and although I desperately wanted somebody to be THAT close, it took me a long time to allow myself to be vulnerable enough and open enough to allow somebody in.
6. Do you believe that loneliness is a choice? Why or why not? How has your denial isolated you from your important relationships? I don’t know that I agree it’s entirely a choice. With children, for instance, they only know what they’re taught and what the experience, and they often have very little control over their surroundings and how they’re treated. But I think that many factors in our lives can set us up for loneliness, and we sometimes don’t realize that the reason we are lonely is because of the decisions we have made. I really don't isolate anymore, I do quite the opposite and surround myself with friends. By isolating myself in the past, I denied myself close relationships for fear they would result in even more pain and disappointment than I had already experienced. As a result, I built up tall, sturdy walls of protection around me, and although I desperately wanted somebody to be THAT close, it took me a long time to allow myself to be vulnerable enough and open enough to allow somebody in.
7. Describe the
emptiness you feel and some new ways you are finding to fill it? When I was younger I often felt
unlovable, unattractive, like the outsider among my own family and
friends. I tried to fill that empty
feeling with food, primarily. As I got
older, I filled it by spending money, sex, more food, and indulging my wants
and whims. These days, I don't feel empty. I fill myself
more with God and church, my husband, my small group, my circle of friends, and doing things to take care of myself like going to the gym, eating right, and treating myself sometimes to things like massages after a hard workout. I’ve learned that quality in life is much
more important than quantity, and I see the value in the intimacy and
connection that comes from deep, trusting relationships.
8. Selfishness
is at the heart of most problems between people. In what areas of your life
have you been selfish? So many! I
have always been selfish in ways, sometimes to protect myself and sometimes to
indulge the spoiled brat inside. I was
often selfish in my relationship with my sister, always wanting to have
something better than she did. I was
selfish in my first marriage by believing that I had all the right answers and
my ex should do what I wanted. I have
been selfish with my money – always believing I should have whatever I want, when I want it, and I'm STILL selfish with money in my marriage, particularly because I make significantly more than my husband. I am motivated by ME! I do a lot to help others, but I want the recognition for being awesome. And I have high expectation of others because I want them to do things my way. But God is changing my heart in so many ways, I'm working on being the person He designed me to be.
9. Separation from God can feel very real, but it is never permanent. What can you do to get closer to God? Ask him. Read his word. Spend time with my church family and friends. Pray. Remember to thank him often. Focus on gratitude. Serve at church and at CR.
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