Principle 4 Prayer
Dear God, you know my past, all the good and the bad things that I've done. In this step, I ask that you give me the strength and the courage to list those things so that I can "come clean" and face them and the truth. Please help me reach out to others you have placed along my "road to recovery." Thank you for providing them to help me keep balanced as I do my inventory. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
1. Where will you go for quiet time to begin your inventory? The Mann Cave.
2. What date have you set aside to start? What time? Sunday, May 29 1000am.
3. What are your fears as you begin your inventory? Why? That I won't be able to remember everything - especially when it comes to what I've done to harm others. And that I will be overwhelmed with feelings that I "thought" I had already worked through. I guess I'm worried that I'll have my bubble burst, and after all my counseling, I prefer that NOT happen :)
4. What can you do to help you "wake up" your feelings? I can ask God to open my eyes and my heart and help me acknowledge the areas I need to. I can answer questions like, "What do I feel guilty about, what do I resent, what do I fear." And I can rely on God to give me the courage and strength that doing my inventory requires.
5. Describe your experience of turning your life over to Christ. It was freaky weird, like Twilight Zone freaky weird. I had already turned my life over to Christ as a teenager, but when I read the prayer again as an adult - during a Christianity class at church - I thought I was just reading aloud with my classmates. BOY, was I wrong. I felt a warmness come into my body and I could feel the Holy Spirit filling me up. I was speechless and dumfounded, just sitting there with tears in my eyes. I knew that this time it was different, this time I MEANT IT, this time God heard me and knew I was ready. And so it was.
6. How do you attempt to turn your will to God's care on a daily basis? I pray, and I do my best to think about what God would want - WWJD, if you will. I try to remember to show gratitude and thanks to Him for the good things, and even some of that bad (I'm not always as good at remembering to thank Him for those). I acknowledge Him on a pretty regular basis, often looking up and saying Hi. But I definitely need to do better about listening (and stopping my own talking long enough for him to get a word in edgewise!)
7. List the things you have used to block the pain of your past. As a kid, I tried to please everybody and gain their approval. I thought if I could make everybody happy, and people approved of me, they would love me and treat me well - hence, no pain. As a result, I began to strive for perfection. Perfection had to make people like me, right? So I set exceptionally high expectations for myself and set out to achieve them. Which rarely happened, of course. What happened instead was self loathing and beating myself up when I couldn't achieve them - a little counter productive. I also adopted comedy as my means of coping. I was always the one who would toss out a sarcastic or comical comment to break the tension when it was so think you could cut it with a knife. As I got older, and learned to cook basic stuff like hot dogs and mac & cheese, I started comforting myself with food. Food was something I could control. Control - or the illusion thereof - made me feel better, and the cheesiness of mac and cheese REALLY made me feel better, so surely the two combined would take the pain away!! That was likely the beginning of my belief that by controlling everything and everybody in my life, I could avoid the pain. That continues even though, though not nearly as much. Early in my teenage years, I started turning to boys and sex to block the pain. If the boys gave me sexual attention, it had to mean they liked me, and if they liked me, I didn't have to believe the lies of the past and carry that hurt around ... right? Nope. Liking me and wanting to have sex with me were mutually exclusive. One had nothing to do with the other. So then came the pain of rejection, which led to more food to fill the void. As I got older, I began to spend. I would attempt to buy myself out of pain. If I had enough STUFF, I could be happy and at peace. So I bought A LOT of stuff. The shocker is, that didn't take away the pain, either. So I started counseling. A LONG time ago. And I still see her. Together we've done TONS of work on my baggage, and my load gets lighter all the time :)
8. What have you done to step out of your denial? Counseling, lots and lots of counseling. It's rarely laborious though, it's all just part of my journey to becoming whole, and I'm fascinated by my travels. Accepting Christ has also done a lot to lead me out of denial. When you accept Christ and you learn that humility is a favorable trait, you suddenly find that accepting yourself and your flaws is ok and acceptable. We all have them and we don't have to feel guilt or shame. But we do have to make amends. And that's another part of the journey.
9. How can you continue to find new ways out of your denial of the past? By praying and continuing to ask God to show me areas I need to examine and make amends for. By reading His word and knowing His will. By talking to my sponsor and working this program. And by continuing to talk to my counselor when I need to.
10. Why is it important to do a written inventory? Not sure if the point of this question is about DOING the inventory, or about it being a WRITTEN inventory. But I believe the point of doing the inventory itself is that we need to free ourselves from the junk we carry around every day, and we can only be free of what we acknowledge. And by writing it down, the act of writing is therapeutic AND it makes it impossible for us to forget what we wrote :)
11. What are some of the good things you have done in the past? I have loved and cared for other people. I have provided help when others have needed it. I have taken care of people and animals. I have volunteered myself and my time and my finances. I have forgiven.
12. What are some of the negative things you have done in the past? I have tried to control everybody else. I have been judgmental and gossipy. I have put others' needs ahead of my own and allowed myself to suffer.
13. Do you have a sponsor or accountability partner to help keep your inventory balanced? I absolutely do, I have both!!
