LESSON 2 - POWERLESS

LESSON TWO - POWERLESS

1.  List some of the ways that your pride has stopped you from asking for and getting the help you need to overcome your hurts, hang-ups, and habits.  I have been in counseling with the same therapist for about 25 years, meeting with her more often or less often as needed, each time working through whatever issues have arisen at the time and focusing on new tools to incorporate into my daily life, so I don’t feel that my pride has interfered much with me asking for help in that fashion. 

When it comes to a more personal level, however, I am much more inclined to allow pride to keep me stuck for longer periods of time, because I’ve always been the “strong one,” the one who everybody else comes to for help, and who can handle whatever life throws at her.  I think I’ve been more hesitant to reach out and ask for help from friends or family, for fear that I’m just overreacting or being silly, making mountains out of molehills, or that people would see me as weak or incapable of handling my own “stuff”.  Sometimes my hesitation to ask for help has been to the detriment of my own emotional wellbeing, and I’ve suffered longer than necessary.  Although that may have helped me grow a tougher skin or develop better coping skills, I have come to know the value in being vulnerable and transparent with those close to me, and that by doing so I’m creating deeper friendships and more intimate relationships.

2.  What in your past has caused you to have the “if onlys”?  “If only” I had stopped ___________ years ago.  “If only” _____________ hadn’t left me. 

a.     If only my parents had not divorced when I was 13.

b.     If only I had been involved in sports as a kid.

c.      If only I had waited longer before having sex.

d.     If only I had finished college the first go-round.

e.     If only I had not cheated on my first husband.

f.      If only I had managed my money better as a twenty-something.

g.     If only I had not been attracted to men who needed fixing.

h.     If only I had not tied my value to how men treated me.

i.       If only I had never learned how to negative self-talk.

j.       If only I had accepted Christ sooner. 

      3.  Instead of worrying about things that we cannot control, we need to focus on what God can do in our lies.  What are you worrying about?  Why?  I worry about all sorts of things – my weight, finances, the dogs, my future at work, my husband’s health, my own health, my mom, my dad.  All sorts of things!!  Just depends on the day.  And as for why … well that’s an excellent question, isn’t it?  I worry because I think that I can somehow control the situation and influence the end result.  I worry because I don’t trust God enough not to.  I worry because I’m trying to be my own God, rather than handing it over to the One.  Silly me.  Clearly something I need to work on.

      4.  In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?  Be specific. 

a.     First and foremost, FOOD.  I wasn’t raised by Ward and June Cleaver with their homemade dinners around the family dining table at 5pm.  I was raised by the 18-year old embarrassments who ended up pregnant in high school and didn’t have much in the way of parenting skills.  So nutritional content in food wasn’t a big priority, but convenience was.  And that meant pre-packaged boxes and cans, so we ate awesome comfort foods like fried spam and macaroni and cheese Anyway, I learned early how to make myself comfort food and that was something – in the midst of marital chaos – that I COULD control.  So food was my friend.  (OH - but when I went to Granny’s I got homemade chicken and dumplings!) 

b.     As I became a teenager, I escaped by gaining the attention of males.  I was very good at being seductive and flirtatious, even before I knew that’s what I was doing.  I so desperately wanted to be the center of someone’s attention that it didn’t matter whose.  Any attention is better than no attention, right?

c.      When I hit adulthood, which - back in the day - meant I turned 18, was grandfathered into the drinking law (woot!), and was (theoretically) free from parental control – I escaped by spending money.  I was reeled in hook, line, and sinker, with the “you’re pre-approved with no interest for the first 12 months” credit card offers, so I bought what I wanted, when I wanted, because I could pay for it later, right?  The instant gratification I got from buying things made me believe that enough of that “rush” would fill the empty, gaping hole in my heart, that my parents never did.  

       NOTES:  Busyness, trying to control everything, humor.

      5.  How has holding on to your anger and your resentments affected you? When I was younger, I would sometimes retreat, crawl into my own shell as it were, wondering what I did to cause the issue (I used to struggle with codependence, too).  My first thought was always that it had to have been my fault, and I would beat myself up about it and run the scenario through in my head over and over and over trying to figure out why I was such a loser.  But at this point in my life, I don’t hold on to either of those very often, or for very long, because there’s no value added by doing so, and it certainly doesn’t help matters.  Because when I do, it creates distance between me and the other person, because when I’m angry or hurt, I don’t particularly want to be around that person, or talk to them.  Sometimes I need a little recovery time before I can get myself mentally prepared to talk with them about whatever has happened between us, but ultimately I find that place, have that conversation, and do my best to help us move past it into a better place.  NOTE: prevents me from extending grace to others.

      6.  Do you believe that loneliness is a choice? Why or why not?  How has your denial isolated you from your important relationships?  I don’t know that I agree it’s entirely a choice.  With children, for instance, they only know what they’re taught and what the experience, and they often have very little control over their surroundings and how they’re treated.  But I think that many factors in our lives can set us up for loneliness, and we sometimes don’t realize that the reason we are lonely is because of the decisions we have made.  I really don't isolate anymore, I do quite the opposite and surround myself with friends.  By isolating myself in the past, I denied myself close relationships for fear they would result in even more pain and disappointment than I had already experienced.  As a result, I built up tall, sturdy walls of protection around me, and although I desperately wanted somebody to be THAT close, it took me a long time to allow myself to be vulnerable enough and open enough to allow somebody in. 

      7.  Describe the emptiness you feel and some new ways you are finding to fill it?  When I was younger I often felt unlovable, unattractive, like the outsider among my own family and friends.  I tried to fill that empty feeling with food, primarily.  As I got older, I filled it by spending money, sex, more food, and indulging my wants and whims.  These days, I don't feel empty.  I fill myself more with God and church, my husband, my small group, my circle of friends, and doing things to take care of myself like going to the gym, eating right, and treating myself sometimes to things like massages after a hard workout.  I’ve learned that quality in life is much more important than quantity, and I see the value in the intimacy and connection that comes from deep, trusting relationships.

      8.  Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people. In what areas of your life have you been selfish?  So many!  I have always been selfish in ways, sometimes to protect myself and sometimes to indulge the spoiled brat inside.  I was often selfish in my relationship with my sister, always wanting to have something better than she did.  I was selfish in my first marriage by believing that I had all the right answers and my ex should do what I wanted.  I have been selfish with my money – always believing I should have whatever I want, when I want it, and I'm STILL selfish with money in my marriage, particularly because I make significantly more than my husband.  I am motivated by ME!  I do a lot to help others, but I want the recognition for being awesome.  And I have high expectation of others because I want them to do things my way.  But God is changing my heart in so many ways, I'm working on being the person He designed me to be.

      9.  Separation from God can feel very real, but it is never permanent.  What can you do to get closer to God?  Ask him.  Read his word.  Spend time with my church family and friends.  Pray.  Remember to thank him often.  Focus on gratitude.  Serve at church and at CR.