LESSON 1 - DENIAL

LESSON ONE - DENIAL

“They cried to the Lord in their troubles, and he rescued them! He led them from their darkness and shadow of death and snapped their chains!” Psalm 107:13-14

1.     What areas of your life do you have power (control) over? Be specific.  Knowing that God has ultimate control over my life, but he has given me free will, I acknowledge there are things I have more control over than others.

a.     I have control over whether or not I take responsibility for my own actions and decisions

b.     I have control over how I treat the temple of my body – what I eat, when I work out, how I care for myself

c.      I have control over my attitude each day, and the way I choose to treat other people, even when I’m struggling

d.     I have control over whether or not I choose to extend grace in times of challenge or conflict

e.     I have control over how I spend my money, and specifically whether I am disciplined enough to tithe

f.      I have control over whether or not I keep the promises I make to others

g.     I have control over my integrity, my work ethic, my kindness, generosity, and love toward others

2.     What areas of your life are out of control (unmanageable)?  Be specific.  To be completely honest, I don’t feel like there is much in my life that is out of control or unmanageable right now.  I have worked on my own recovery for a long time, and continue to benefit from putting in the necessary work.  But, there are some areas of my life that aren’t where I’d like them to be – areas with room for improvement:

a.     My finances – I would like to have less debt.  I used to be of the mindset that more, bigger, better, prettier toys were better, and I don’t typically exhibit good impulse control – if I want it, I buy it!  I think “things” were my way of trying to fill a void for a lot of my life.  And I could always justify my purchases by the fact that I am well paid and I don’t have kids, so who else should I spend my money on, right?  So I have a beautiful, but very expensive car, a stunning bright yellow Harley (that I rode twice last summer), beautiful furniture that’s just over a year old (but it was 24 months no interest!), and so on.  But over the past year or so, I feel God has changed my heart – and he’s showing me that I no longer need the “things” to fill the void, because HE has filled it up!  I’m learning that simple is better, so I have begun looking at ways to improve my financial outlook, and what steps and decisions I can make to reduce the amount of money I’m spending on “things.”

b.     My weight – As I mentioned last week, I have been overweight since childhood, and I’ve obsessed over it nearly every day of my life.  Being last pick for the dodge ball team, always being the fat chick among my girl friends, and being the notorious “girl with the pretty face” who the hot guys asked to hook them up with my FRIENDS, led me into a deeper “fat hole” than genetics had. And my own grandmother never failed to mention that I had gained a few pounds, even when I was 7 and 8 years old, despite the fact that it’s her genetics that were passed down to me! So emotional weight gain has been my middle name, and genetics work against me, so here I am. But also as you know, I’m 19 pounds down on my new lifestyle endeavor and I give God the credit this time – for putting my mind at peace with the process, and allowing myself imperfection and “life” on the journey.

3.     How do you think taking this first step will help you?  I think taking the first step will help me to identify areas in my life that have contributed to who I am - my hurts, habits, and hang-ups - but the ones I’ve stuffed so deep inside – so long ago - that I had forgotten they exist and I’ve lost all awareness of the impact they have on my everyday life.  I think this step will help reinforce for me that I’m powerless, but God is in control and HE’S GOT THIS!  I don’t have to worry or fear the future, because he’ll be guiding the ship, and he promises in Deut 31:6 to never leave me nor forsake me.  I think by identifying additional hurts, habits, and hang-ups, I will get a taste of the freedom created by breaking the chains that have bound me for so long.  It’s a weight-lifting thought (no pun, har har) to know that God has this – it’s his – and by giving it to him, I am freed up to focus on other things like HIM, and giving and serving others.  It’s like being given permission NOT to worry … how awesome is that??

4.     As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself?  To get attention:

a.     As a small child, under 5 years old, I honestly don’t remember doing anything to gain attention, because I knew I wasn’t going to get it.  I was 2.5 when my sister was born, and my mom seemed to forget she already had a child.  I remember being very lonely because my dad (who was my hero) worked all the time, my mom spent her time focusing on my sister, and I spent most of my time by myself.  I remember getting yelled at a lot by my mom, presumably because nothing I did was ever really right, as far as she was concerned.  I suspect this is when I decided to block so many memories of my childhood, and when I decided that being in control was safer than being vulnerable to hurts and disappointments.

b.     I became a people pleaser, seeking approval from people other than my family very early.  When I was 7, my parents put me into a girls’ group to help me overcome – get this – shyness.  I know, right??  Obviously, I got over THAT!  Anyway, I was forever giving the other girls things – small gifts, home made cookies, whatever.  The therapist soon had to ask my parents to stop allowing me to bring gifts to group, so that I could finally have an opportunity to experience friendship for no other reason than just being “me!”

c.      As a teen, I used sex appeal to get attention – most often without realizing that was what I was doing.  I developed very early – my period at 10 and boobs shortly thereafter – and the boys started paying attention, but never for the right reasons.  They were fascinated with me, don’t get me wrong, but I was still just the fat girl.

To protect myself:

d.     I used humor. I was always the kid who threw out a joke or made a sarcastic comment to break the tension at times when there was noticeable stress.

e.     I also used seclusion.  I would retreat to my room or go to a place away from whatever was going on.  I think I often did that because I believed that nobody wanted me around, and I wouldn’t be missed.  I recall fairly regularly packing my little pink suitcase full of clothes and dolls, and sitting in the car until somebody agreed to drive me to my Granny’s house. It felt like my mom didn’t like me since she yelled at me all the time, but I knew Granny loved me, and she would take care of me. I was just a kid – I needed to be taken care of!

f.      I used food.  I fed my fears and sadness with food, which added to my weight problems.  I learned to cook several core meals – since I often had to fend for myself – and I always went for comfort foods like macaroni and cheese.  I believe I thought (subconsciously) that the added pounds helped pad me on the outside and protect me on the inside from additional hurt and disappointment. 

5.     In your family of origin, what was the “family secret” that everyone was trying to protect?  We had LOTS of secrets!!  We had a dysfunctional family, and we didn’t put on airs about it, but things started oozing out of the woodwork!  We all knew my (maternal) grandfather was an alcoholic and had sexually abused my mother as a child, and that my Granny was a closet drinker.  We knew that my mom got pregnant at 18 - the first time she ever had sex (which was with my dad) – in the back seat of a Hudson and was not allowed to “walk” for high school graduation.  We all knew my parents were miserable and fought all the time, but as a kid I didn’t realize my dad was routinely cheating on my mom – so maybe THAT was a secret.  Now my mom has an alcohol problem and has spent time in jail for DUI and shoplifting (she’s a clepto).  My dad has been married and divorced three times, most recently to a woman 7 years my junior, and I have an 11 year old little sister.   More of what we DIDN’T know came to light when I was in college.  The family found out that my (paternal) grandfather had an affair during the war and fathered another son just 6 months younger than my dad.  THAT was interesting.  Also, my mother had a younger brother, Shannon, who I remember, but nobody ever talks about.  Shannon was the troubled kid.  I believe he had drug and alcohol problems, and it would appear he had anger issues.  Shannon beat his girlfriend’s daughter and ended up in jail, where he later died due to an apparent lack of attention when he became sick.  Nobody ever talks about it though, so I don’t really know the full story.

6.     How do you handle pain and disappointment?  Most of the time, I handle it quite well.  With the amazing counselor I have, and the work I’ve put into learning new tools to help with my own recovery, I believe that I do a pretty good job of maintaining my composure and looking at the reasons behind the pain or disappointment, rather than always taking it personally and wondering what “I” did wrong. I try to accept people for who they are and what they are capable of giving, rather than what I WANT them to give.  BUT recently I’ve realized that sometimes - when I’m disappointed or hurt or don’t get my own way – particularly when I feel something is unfair or unjust – I’m just a spoiled, rotten, brat!  I can get red in the face and blow smoke from my ears and cry huge crocodile tears as well as any 5 year old I’ve ever met J  That is something I’m working on, because I don’t find it attractive.

7.     How can you begin to address your denial?  Just like this.  Participating in a 12-step group, praying that God opens my eyes and brings renewed awareness to the things I’ve buried so deep, so that I can become more of the person He designed me to be and show joy and love to others freely.

8.     In what areas of your life are you now beginning to face reality and break the effects of denial? 

a.     Most recently, my struggle with my weight.  This year, for the first time, I’ve embarked on a healthy lifestyle change without obsessing over it and kicking myself when I’m down.  I am allowing myself to be human, to mess up, and to enjoy life’s special moments through the process.  And it’s working J

b.     I’m also really facing the reality that there is a spoiled brat inside of this otherwise normal, typically calm-natured and even-tempered woman.  I’m looking at what triggers my temper tantrums (which are quite involuntary), whether or not a reaction of frustration or even anger is justifiable in the situation, and working on learning how to refocus my reactions into more appropriate ones for an intelligent woman of 48 years.

9.     Are you starting to develop a support team? Are you asking for phone numbers in your meetings?  I am absolutely blessed to have a large support system, and I look forward to growing that through this group of strong, amazing women J