LESSON 3 - HOPE

LESSON 3 - HOPE

Principle 2:  Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help  me change.

Step 2:  We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

"For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Philippians 2:13.

1.  Before taking this step, where were you trying to find hope?  I have been a Christian for quite some time now, so I have always put hope in Christ.  BUT - I haven't always put MOST of my hope in him.  I have also sought hope in myself, my friends, and my therapist.  I used to be quick to act on every little thing - as soon as there was a problem, I would call 10 different people to tell them ALL my story, so I could get their opinions, ultimately hoping for some nugget of hope that things could be better, to be tossed my way by each person I talked to.  God has changed my heart thought, and these days I am much slower to react.  I take time to stop - and pause - and think things through, allowing time for God to tell me what he wants me to know, and THEN I take action.  Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't still pick up the phone when something happens.  But it's to call my BFF and bounce the situation off her, as opposed to broadcasting to anyone and everyone who will listen :)

2.  What do you believe about God? What are some of His characteristics?  I believe God is love - unconditionally.I believe he never leaves my side.  He created all things.  He sent his son to us.  God is faithful.  God is forgiving. God is holy. God is sovereign. God is infinite, he is, has always been, and will forever be. God is omniscient. God is merciful. God is gracious, giving to us when we don't deserve it. God is omnipresent and omnipotent.

NOTE:  Priscilla Scheier, "Who's Your Daddy" (Book)

3.  How are your feelings for your heavenly Father and your earthly Father alike?  How do they differ?  It took me a long time to see the similarities in my earthly father and my heavenly father, because it took me a long time to really grasp God - who he is, what he is, how he plays a role in my life.  But now I understand!  My fathers both love me unconditionally, they want the best for me - even when I think I know better than they do :) They both step in to help me when I ask for it and sometimes even when I don't, they show me grace and mercy, but discipline me in love.  They both comfort me and are protective over me.

My feelings for them are the same in that I love them, I want to please them, I value their opinions (but don't always follow them) and want them to be proud of me and my decisions.  My relationships differ in that, even now, I find myself much more willing to listen to my earthly father, because I can see him, touch him, hear him.  But I know that God can heal me and complete me in areas that I still have "holes" in my soul, and only he can do that.  I trust that he has a plan for me and I know that he works all things for His good.  I trust his process.

NOTE:  My heavenly father will never leave me or disappoint me, but my earthy father is human and is driven by his flesh.  When I was 13, he divorced my mom and then left me to live with her and my sister.  Then he met my stepmother and married her, and she was so insecure that he agreed to walk away from his children in order to make her feel safe.  We didn't hear from him - by telephone or for his court-ordered visitation - for months.  I was devastated.  I was daddy's girl, I worshiped him, and he ditched me, for HER.  God would never do that.  [He came back about 5 or 6 months later and apologized, and we have a GREAT relationship today, but that pain never disappears from memory].

4.  How can your relationship with your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, help you step out of your denial and face reality?  By removing the fear of being imperfect and making it safe for me to be honest and transparent about my hurts, hang-ups, and habits.  God's unconditional love opens my heart for learning about changes I need to make and how to make them.

5.  In what areas of your life are you now ready to let God help you?  So many!  Marriage, food issues, finances, relationships, my busyness, and my need to control are just a few!

6.  What things are you ready to change in your life?  Where can you get the power to change them?  Those things listed in 5 above, but also my negative self-talk, and negative self-image.  I can get the power to change those things by having the discipline to spend daily quiet time with God and growing a deeper, more intimate relationship with him.  I want his to remove the scales from my eyes so that I can see clearly the areas I need to change, and to help me focus on joy.

LESSON 2 - POWERLESS

LESSON TWO - POWERLESS

1.  List some of the ways that your pride has stopped you from asking for and getting the help you need to overcome your hurts, hang-ups, and habits.  I have been in counseling with the same therapist for about 25 years, meeting with her more often or less often as needed, each time working through whatever issues have arisen at the time and focusing on new tools to incorporate into my daily life, so I don’t feel that my pride has interfered much with me asking for help in that fashion. 

When it comes to a more personal level, however, I am much more inclined to allow pride to keep me stuck for longer periods of time, because I’ve always been the “strong one,” the one who everybody else comes to for help, and who can handle whatever life throws at her.  I think I’ve been more hesitant to reach out and ask for help from friends or family, for fear that I’m just overreacting or being silly, making mountains out of molehills, or that people would see me as weak or incapable of handling my own “stuff”.  Sometimes my hesitation to ask for help has been to the detriment of my own emotional wellbeing, and I’ve suffered longer than necessary.  Although that may have helped me grow a tougher skin or develop better coping skills, I have come to know the value in being vulnerable and transparent with those close to me, and that by doing so I’m creating deeper friendships and more intimate relationships.

2.  What in your past has caused you to have the “if onlys”?  “If only” I had stopped ___________ years ago.  “If only” _____________ hadn’t left me. 

a.     If only my parents had not divorced when I was 13.

b.     If only I had been involved in sports as a kid.

c.      If only I had waited longer before having sex.

d.     If only I had finished college the first go-round.

e.     If only I had not cheated on my first husband.

f.      If only I had managed my money better as a twenty-something.

g.     If only I had not been attracted to men who needed fixing.

h.     If only I had not tied my value to how men treated me.

i.       If only I had never learned how to negative self-talk.

j.       If only I had accepted Christ sooner. 

      3.  Instead of worrying about things that we cannot control, we need to focus on what God can do in our lies.  What are you worrying about?  Why?  I worry about all sorts of things – my weight, finances, the dogs, my future at work, my husband’s health, my own health, my mom, my dad.  All sorts of things!!  Just depends on the day.  And as for why … well that’s an excellent question, isn’t it?  I worry because I think that I can somehow control the situation and influence the end result.  I worry because I don’t trust God enough not to.  I worry because I’m trying to be my own God, rather than handing it over to the One.  Silly me.  Clearly something I need to work on.

      4.  In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain?  Be specific. 

a.     First and foremost, FOOD.  I wasn’t raised by Ward and June Cleaver with their homemade dinners around the family dining table at 5pm.  I was raised by the 18-year old embarrassments who ended up pregnant in high school and didn’t have much in the way of parenting skills.  So nutritional content in food wasn’t a big priority, but convenience was.  And that meant pre-packaged boxes and cans, so we ate awesome comfort foods like fried spam and macaroni and cheese Anyway, I learned early how to make myself comfort food and that was something – in the midst of marital chaos – that I COULD control.  So food was my friend.  (OH - but when I went to Granny’s I got homemade chicken and dumplings!) 

b.     As I became a teenager, I escaped by gaining the attention of males.  I was very good at being seductive and flirtatious, even before I knew that’s what I was doing.  I so desperately wanted to be the center of someone’s attention that it didn’t matter whose.  Any attention is better than no attention, right?

c.      When I hit adulthood, which - back in the day - meant I turned 18, was grandfathered into the drinking law (woot!), and was (theoretically) free from parental control – I escaped by spending money.  I was reeled in hook, line, and sinker, with the “you’re pre-approved with no interest for the first 12 months” credit card offers, so I bought what I wanted, when I wanted, because I could pay for it later, right?  The instant gratification I got from buying things made me believe that enough of that “rush” would fill the empty, gaping hole in my heart, that my parents never did.  

       NOTES:  Busyness, trying to control everything, humor.

      5.  How has holding on to your anger and your resentments affected you? When I was younger, I would sometimes retreat, crawl into my own shell as it were, wondering what I did to cause the issue (I used to struggle with codependence, too).  My first thought was always that it had to have been my fault, and I would beat myself up about it and run the scenario through in my head over and over and over trying to figure out why I was such a loser.  But at this point in my life, I don’t hold on to either of those very often, or for very long, because there’s no value added by doing so, and it certainly doesn’t help matters.  Because when I do, it creates distance between me and the other person, because when I’m angry or hurt, I don’t particularly want to be around that person, or talk to them.  Sometimes I need a little recovery time before I can get myself mentally prepared to talk with them about whatever has happened between us, but ultimately I find that place, have that conversation, and do my best to help us move past it into a better place.  NOTE: prevents me from extending grace to others.

      6.  Do you believe that loneliness is a choice? Why or why not?  How has your denial isolated you from your important relationships?  I don’t know that I agree it’s entirely a choice.  With children, for instance, they only know what they’re taught and what the experience, and they often have very little control over their surroundings and how they’re treated.  But I think that many factors in our lives can set us up for loneliness, and we sometimes don’t realize that the reason we are lonely is because of the decisions we have made.  I really don't isolate anymore, I do quite the opposite and surround myself with friends.  By isolating myself in the past, I denied myself close relationships for fear they would result in even more pain and disappointment than I had already experienced.  As a result, I built up tall, sturdy walls of protection around me, and although I desperately wanted somebody to be THAT close, it took me a long time to allow myself to be vulnerable enough and open enough to allow somebody in. 

      7.  Describe the emptiness you feel and some new ways you are finding to fill it?  When I was younger I often felt unlovable, unattractive, like the outsider among my own family and friends.  I tried to fill that empty feeling with food, primarily.  As I got older, I filled it by spending money, sex, more food, and indulging my wants and whims.  These days, I don't feel empty.  I fill myself more with God and church, my husband, my small group, my circle of friends, and doing things to take care of myself like going to the gym, eating right, and treating myself sometimes to things like massages after a hard workout.  I’ve learned that quality in life is much more important than quantity, and I see the value in the intimacy and connection that comes from deep, trusting relationships.

      8.  Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people. In what areas of your life have you been selfish?  So many!  I have always been selfish in ways, sometimes to protect myself and sometimes to indulge the spoiled brat inside.  I was often selfish in my relationship with my sister, always wanting to have something better than she did.  I was selfish in my first marriage by believing that I had all the right answers and my ex should do what I wanted.  I have been selfish with my money – always believing I should have whatever I want, when I want it, and I'm STILL selfish with money in my marriage, particularly because I make significantly more than my husband.  I am motivated by ME!  I do a lot to help others, but I want the recognition for being awesome.  And I have high expectation of others because I want them to do things my way.  But God is changing my heart in so many ways, I'm working on being the person He designed me to be.

      9.  Separation from God can feel very real, but it is never permanent.  What can you do to get closer to God?  Ask him.  Read his word.  Spend time with my church family and friends.  Pray.  Remember to thank him often.  Focus on gratitude.  Serve at church and at CR.

LESSON 1 - DENIAL

LESSON ONE - DENIAL

“They cried to the Lord in their troubles, and he rescued them! He led them from their darkness and shadow of death and snapped their chains!” Psalm 107:13-14

1.     What areas of your life do you have power (control) over? Be specific.  Knowing that God has ultimate control over my life, but he has given me free will, I acknowledge there are things I have more control over than others.

a.     I have control over whether or not I take responsibility for my own actions and decisions

b.     I have control over how I treat the temple of my body – what I eat, when I work out, how I care for myself

c.      I have control over my attitude each day, and the way I choose to treat other people, even when I’m struggling

d.     I have control over whether or not I choose to extend grace in times of challenge or conflict

e.     I have control over how I spend my money, and specifically whether I am disciplined enough to tithe

f.      I have control over whether or not I keep the promises I make to others

g.     I have control over my integrity, my work ethic, my kindness, generosity, and love toward others

2.     What areas of your life are out of control (unmanageable)?  Be specific.  To be completely honest, I don’t feel like there is much in my life that is out of control or unmanageable right now.  I have worked on my own recovery for a long time, and continue to benefit from putting in the necessary work.  But, there are some areas of my life that aren’t where I’d like them to be – areas with room for improvement:

a.     My finances – I would like to have less debt.  I used to be of the mindset that more, bigger, better, prettier toys were better, and I don’t typically exhibit good impulse control – if I want it, I buy it!  I think “things” were my way of trying to fill a void for a lot of my life.  And I could always justify my purchases by the fact that I am well paid and I don’t have kids, so who else should I spend my money on, right?  So I have a beautiful, but very expensive car, a stunning bright yellow Harley (that I rode twice last summer), beautiful furniture that’s just over a year old (but it was 24 months no interest!), and so on.  But over the past year or so, I feel God has changed my heart – and he’s showing me that I no longer need the “things” to fill the void, because HE has filled it up!  I’m learning that simple is better, so I have begun looking at ways to improve my financial outlook, and what steps and decisions I can make to reduce the amount of money I’m spending on “things.”

b.     My weight – As I mentioned last week, I have been overweight since childhood, and I’ve obsessed over it nearly every day of my life.  Being last pick for the dodge ball team, always being the fat chick among my girl friends, and being the notorious “girl with the pretty face” who the hot guys asked to hook them up with my FRIENDS, led me into a deeper “fat hole” than genetics had. And my own grandmother never failed to mention that I had gained a few pounds, even when I was 7 and 8 years old, despite the fact that it’s her genetics that were passed down to me! So emotional weight gain has been my middle name, and genetics work against me, so here I am. But also as you know, I’m 19 pounds down on my new lifestyle endeavor and I give God the credit this time – for putting my mind at peace with the process, and allowing myself imperfection and “life” on the journey.

3.     How do you think taking this first step will help you?  I think taking the first step will help me to identify areas in my life that have contributed to who I am - my hurts, habits, and hang-ups - but the ones I’ve stuffed so deep inside – so long ago - that I had forgotten they exist and I’ve lost all awareness of the impact they have on my everyday life.  I think this step will help reinforce for me that I’m powerless, but God is in control and HE’S GOT THIS!  I don’t have to worry or fear the future, because he’ll be guiding the ship, and he promises in Deut 31:6 to never leave me nor forsake me.  I think by identifying additional hurts, habits, and hang-ups, I will get a taste of the freedom created by breaking the chains that have bound me for so long.  It’s a weight-lifting thought (no pun, har har) to know that God has this – it’s his – and by giving it to him, I am freed up to focus on other things like HIM, and giving and serving others.  It’s like being given permission NOT to worry … how awesome is that??

4.     As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself?  To get attention:

a.     As a small child, under 5 years old, I honestly don’t remember doing anything to gain attention, because I knew I wasn’t going to get it.  I was 2.5 when my sister was born, and my mom seemed to forget she already had a child.  I remember being very lonely because my dad (who was my hero) worked all the time, my mom spent her time focusing on my sister, and I spent most of my time by myself.  I remember getting yelled at a lot by my mom, presumably because nothing I did was ever really right, as far as she was concerned.  I suspect this is when I decided to block so many memories of my childhood, and when I decided that being in control was safer than being vulnerable to hurts and disappointments.

b.     I became a people pleaser, seeking approval from people other than my family very early.  When I was 7, my parents put me into a girls’ group to help me overcome – get this – shyness.  I know, right??  Obviously, I got over THAT!  Anyway, I was forever giving the other girls things – small gifts, home made cookies, whatever.  The therapist soon had to ask my parents to stop allowing me to bring gifts to group, so that I could finally have an opportunity to experience friendship for no other reason than just being “me!”

c.      As a teen, I used sex appeal to get attention – most often without realizing that was what I was doing.  I developed very early – my period at 10 and boobs shortly thereafter – and the boys started paying attention, but never for the right reasons.  They were fascinated with me, don’t get me wrong, but I was still just the fat girl.

To protect myself:

d.     I used humor. I was always the kid who threw out a joke or made a sarcastic comment to break the tension at times when there was noticeable stress.

e.     I also used seclusion.  I would retreat to my room or go to a place away from whatever was going on.  I think I often did that because I believed that nobody wanted me around, and I wouldn’t be missed.  I recall fairly regularly packing my little pink suitcase full of clothes and dolls, and sitting in the car until somebody agreed to drive me to my Granny’s house. It felt like my mom didn’t like me since she yelled at me all the time, but I knew Granny loved me, and she would take care of me. I was just a kid – I needed to be taken care of!

f.      I used food.  I fed my fears and sadness with food, which added to my weight problems.  I learned to cook several core meals – since I often had to fend for myself – and I always went for comfort foods like macaroni and cheese.  I believe I thought (subconsciously) that the added pounds helped pad me on the outside and protect me on the inside from additional hurt and disappointment. 

5.     In your family of origin, what was the “family secret” that everyone was trying to protect?  We had LOTS of secrets!!  We had a dysfunctional family, and we didn’t put on airs about it, but things started oozing out of the woodwork!  We all knew my (maternal) grandfather was an alcoholic and had sexually abused my mother as a child, and that my Granny was a closet drinker.  We knew that my mom got pregnant at 18 - the first time she ever had sex (which was with my dad) – in the back seat of a Hudson and was not allowed to “walk” for high school graduation.  We all knew my parents were miserable and fought all the time, but as a kid I didn’t realize my dad was routinely cheating on my mom – so maybe THAT was a secret.  Now my mom has an alcohol problem and has spent time in jail for DUI and shoplifting (she’s a clepto).  My dad has been married and divorced three times, most recently to a woman 7 years my junior, and I have an 11 year old little sister.   More of what we DIDN’T know came to light when I was in college.  The family found out that my (paternal) grandfather had an affair during the war and fathered another son just 6 months younger than my dad.  THAT was interesting.  Also, my mother had a younger brother, Shannon, who I remember, but nobody ever talks about.  Shannon was the troubled kid.  I believe he had drug and alcohol problems, and it would appear he had anger issues.  Shannon beat his girlfriend’s daughter and ended up in jail, where he later died due to an apparent lack of attention when he became sick.  Nobody ever talks about it though, so I don’t really know the full story.

6.     How do you handle pain and disappointment?  Most of the time, I handle it quite well.  With the amazing counselor I have, and the work I’ve put into learning new tools to help with my own recovery, I believe that I do a pretty good job of maintaining my composure and looking at the reasons behind the pain or disappointment, rather than always taking it personally and wondering what “I” did wrong. I try to accept people for who they are and what they are capable of giving, rather than what I WANT them to give.  BUT recently I’ve realized that sometimes - when I’m disappointed or hurt or don’t get my own way – particularly when I feel something is unfair or unjust – I’m just a spoiled, rotten, brat!  I can get red in the face and blow smoke from my ears and cry huge crocodile tears as well as any 5 year old I’ve ever met J  That is something I’m working on, because I don’t find it attractive.

7.     How can you begin to address your denial?  Just like this.  Participating in a 12-step group, praying that God opens my eyes and brings renewed awareness to the things I’ve buried so deep, so that I can become more of the person He designed me to be and show joy and love to others freely.

8.     In what areas of your life are you now beginning to face reality and break the effects of denial? 

a.     Most recently, my struggle with my weight.  This year, for the first time, I’ve embarked on a healthy lifestyle change without obsessing over it and kicking myself when I’m down.  I am allowing myself to be human, to mess up, and to enjoy life’s special moments through the process.  And it’s working J

b.     I’m also really facing the reality that there is a spoiled brat inside of this otherwise normal, typically calm-natured and even-tempered woman.  I’m looking at what triggers my temper tantrums (which are quite involuntary), whether or not a reaction of frustration or even anger is justifiable in the situation, and working on learning how to refocus my reactions into more appropriate ones for an intelligent woman of 48 years.

9.     Are you starting to develop a support team? Are you asking for phone numbers in your meetings?  I am absolutely blessed to have a large support system, and I look forward to growing that through this group of strong, amazing women J