LESSON 16 - AMENDS

Principle 6:  Evaluate all my relationships.  Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I've done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.

"Happy are the merciful."  (Matthew 5:7)

"Happy are the peacemakers."  (Matthew 5:9)

Step 8:  We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."  (Luke 6:31)

1.  Once again you need to admit the past hurts - what others did to you and the harm that you caused to others.  Explain how holding on to your past resentments and guilt has blocked your recovery.  Be specific.

By not releasing resentment, I have remained stuck in the bad space. I have put up walls that prevent me from receiving God's forgiveness and allowing me to grow beyond the bad.  By holding on to guilt, I have continued to punish myself over and over again for the wrongs I have done to others, thus preventing me from feeling the grace and mercy of God as he intended.  Holding on also prevents my relationships with these people from being able to blossom or move beyond the resentment and pain.  It wastes a lot of valuable time that could be used for repairing.\



2.  Next, you are ready to make your list.  Use the following worksheet.  List the names of those to whom you think you owe amends to in column 1.  Then list those individuals who have hurt you and who you need to forgive in Column 2.  Keep this chart and see how God has increased your list within the next thirty days.  Also, begin praying for the willingness and God's direction for you to complete this principle.



AMENDS LIST



I OWE AMENDS TO:                              
My mom
John
Michelle
My sister
My dad
Terri Thompson
Pam Bradley
Kelli




I NEED TO FORGIVE:
My mom
John
Michelle
The Old Man
Dan
His Roommate
Anna
Pete
Laura Jane



3.  Who do you have on your recovery support team to encourage you as you make your amends and offer your forgiveness?

SPONSOR:  Cynthia

ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS:
Kris
Donna
Angela
Shelly
Toshia
Ashley



4.  What does the phrase "not for them" mean to you?
It means that when I choose to extend forgiveness to someone who has hurt me, I am doing that to release myself from the pain and bondage created by holding on to the hurt. Forgiveness is entirely about me, it isn't about whether or not they choose to accept my forgiveness, or even whether they care that I'm offering it.  It is about me releasing myself from the chains that have kept me bound for so long, and allowing myself to enjoy the freedom offered to me from God.



5.  What does the phrase "don't expect anything back" mean to you?
Again, this isn't about anybody else, it's just about me.  I need to make amends to free MY heart and soul, and to do what God wants me to do.  It isn't for me to expect them to somehow make ME feel better or lighten MY load.



6.  Timing is so important in this step.  List the individuals who could be possiby injured from your making an amends to them and why.
There is only one who comes to mind.  Because she doesn't know.  I've come clean with others in my life about this or that or the other, and I'm "mostly" an open book to people who know me.  But she doesn't know - she can't know.  She doesn't know that I had an affair with her husband before I knew HER, when they had only been married for a year or two.  She doesn't know that even after I met her, and we began to build a friendship, I continued that affair because by that time I was hooked on HIM, on how he made me feel, and that was more important to me than her feelings.  She doesn't know that it was only later - as she and I grew closer and it became harder for me to look her in the eye - that I ended the affair.  And she doesn't know that he begged me not to and told me he was in love with me.  She doesn't know even today, when we are occasionally in the same place at the same time spend time together as couples, because I put on the act as though nothing is unusual.  My husband knows (and although the affair was before his time, he has had DIFFICULTY coming to grips with my ongoing friendship with this man and his wife), but Julie doesn't know.  She would be devastated.  It would rock her entire world and destroy it at its core.  She wouldn't understand how I could do that, or how HE could do that.  Because in her naïve, good-girl, Catholic world, marriage is sacred and one never has to worry about their spouse disobeying God. If she knew, she would question everything of her 12-year marriage and the damage would be irreparable on so many levels.  It would reach outside of her or me, and extend to masses of friends we share.   




7.  Go back to the "start living the promises" section of amends.  List some of the promises of recovery that are coming true in your life!

LESSON 15 - VICTORY

Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.

"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires."  (Matthew 5:6)

Step 6:  We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."  (James 4:10)

Step 7:  We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  (1 John 1:9)

1.  As you voluntarily submit to every change God wants you to make in your recovery, how does Romans 12:1 - 2 help you know that real, positive change is possible?

2.  In Principle 5, you need to ask God to help you identify the defects of character that you need to work on first.  List the changes that you want to ask God to help you work on now.  Will you work on them?

3.  God's word teaches us that real change comes from the changing our of minds.  We must take the positive action required to follow God's directions.  List the actions that you need to take to begin working on the defects of character that you listed in question 2.

ACTION PLAN

(Read the Principle 5b verses on page 39)

Defects of character:


I need to stop doing:


I need to start doing:


4.  List the specific ways that you have turned from relying on your own willpower and relying on God's will for your life.

5.  What does the phrase "One day at a time: mean to you and your recovery?

6.  It has been stated that, "Recovery is not perfection; it is a process."  Do you agree with that?  Why?

7.  What does humility mean to you?  How will being humble allow you to change?

LESSON 14 - READY

Principle 5:  Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.

"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires."  Matthew 5:6

Step 6:  We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."  James 4:10

1.  Have you released control? (If not, review Principle 3).

Most of it.  Some of it.  LOL.  As human beings, do we ever REALLY release all of our control?  Even if we think we do?  Self will is a powerful force.  Maybe some people do.  I wouldn't say I'm there yet.  But I'm working on it.

a.  List the areas of your life that you have been able to turn over and surrender to Jesus Christ.

My marriage.  My recovery.  My job.  My home.  My hope.  My health.  My relationships.  My eating.

b.  List the areas of your life that you are still holding on to, attempting to control them on your own power.

Some of my finances.  Some of my decision-making.  My need to control some people, some situations, sometimes.

2.  What does the phrase, "easy does it" mean to you?  What area of your recovery are you attempting to rush - looking for the "quick fix."

Easy does it means that I need to be patient with myself during the process.  I didn't get this way overnight, and I won't change overnight.  By allowing myself time to walk the journey, I can better identify the root causes of the issues I struggle with, therefore enabling me to better conquer them for good!  I'm not trying to rush anything, I'm perfectly happy with this pace.

3.  Explain the differences in seeing a need for change and being entirely ready to accept positive change in your recovery.

Accepting change is a much harder process.  Reminds me of the saying, "easier said than done."  It is much easier to SEE that a change needs to be made, whether that is in ourselves, or relationships, our jobs.  It is an entirely different animal to be willing to ACCEPT the change and take steps toward making it happen.  That requires significantly more vulnerability and selflessness.

4.  It is very important that you allow God to replace your character defects with positive changes.  What are some of the positive changes that you could make in your recovery?  In your family?  In your job?

I need to continue making positive changes - I doubt that will ever not be the case - I need to look to God more, pray more, lean in more often, and continue to practice grace when people upset or disappoint me, whether that is at home or at work.

5.  Sometimes it is difficult for us in recovery to see the positive changes that God is making in our lives.  Have you been able to accept and enjoy your growth?  How?

I've made numerous positive changes, and the effects of those changes are easily apparent in my life.  I have been consistent in my eating and workout journey since January and have lost 45#!  I feel better about myself, more confident and comfortable in my own skin, and much more willing to accept my imperfections.  I have replaced much of my social activity with things at or involving the church.  I volunteer my time, energy, and finances more than ever before - to include tithing - which is a BIG deal for me, and it feels really good!  I have definitely noticed that I'm growing more reliant upon God, I talk to him more often, I thank him more often for even the little things, and I am constantly reminded that He works all things for my good, even when those things don't happen in MY time or the way I want them to :)

LESSON 13 - ADMIT

Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

"Happy are the pure in heart."  Matthew 5:8

Step 5:  We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." ~ James 5:16

1.  In Principle 4 we are asked to give our inventory three times.  Who are we to confess it to and why?

We are to confess it to ourselves, to God, and to another person.

2.  Most of us find it easier to confess our wrongs to ourselves and God.  We seem to have more difficulty in sharing them with another person.  What is the most difficult part for you?  Why?

Confessing to myself and God is easy.  That doesn't involve speaking aloud where others can hear what I'm saying.  I think the vulnerability involved in sharing with another person is what makes that part more difficult.  The fear of judgment or shock, the fear of losing a friend or friends, or being looked at differently is the most difficult part.

3.  What is your biggest fear of sharing your inventory with another person?

See above.

4.  List three people with whom you are considering sharing your inventory.  List the pros and cons of each selection.  Circle your final choice.

Kris
My sponsor

5.  Pick a quiet location to share your inventory.  List three places and circle the best one.

Panera
Church
The park

LESSON 12 - CONFESS

Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

"Happy are the pure in heart."  Matthew 5:8

Step 5:  We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." ~ James 5:16

LESSON 11 - SPIRITUAL INVENTORY PART 2

Principle 4:  Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

"Happy are the pure in heart."  Matthew 5:8

Step 4:  We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord."  Lamentations 3:40

Your mind:

- How have you guarded your mind in the past?  Denial?
- Have you filled your mind with hurtful and unhealthy movies, television programs, internet sites, magazines, or books?
- Have you failed to concentrate on the positive truths of the Bible?

Your body:

- In what ways in the past have you mistreated your body?
- Have you abused alcohol and drugs?  Food?  Sex?
- What past activities or habits caused harm to your physical health?

Your family:

- In the past, have you mistreated anyone in your family?
- Who in your family do you have a resentment against?
- Who do you owe an amends to?
- What is the family secret that you have been denying?

Your church:

- Have you been faithful to your church in the past?
- Have you been critical rather than active?
- In the past have you discouraged your family's support of their church?

Write About It

1.  Your mind

- Since accepting Christ as your higher power, how has God transformed your mind? What worldly standards have you given up?

- How have you used denial to attempt to guard your mind?

- Have you filled or are you filling your mind with hurtful and unhealthy movies, televisions programs, Internet sites, magazines, or books?

- How have you failed to concentrate on the positive truths of the Bible?

2.  Your body

- What past activities or habits caused harm to your physical body?

Oh my gosh, what HASN'T?  I've always had issues with food, and I use it to mask my hurts, so I've been overweight since I was a little kid.  I never participated in sports, so I didn't get much exercise.  As I got older, and experienced sex, I decided that was a great way to feel loved and accepted, so I had far too many sexual encounters with boys and men, disrespecting my body along the way.  And I had an abortion, which was definitely harmful to my body, my heart, and my mind.  It took me a long time to forgive myself for that, but I know God forgives me and that's good enough for me.  I accept his grace and mercy.

- In what ways have you mistreated your body?

Abortion.  Excess weight.  Too much food, and not the healthy kind.

- If you have abused alcohol drugs, foods, or sex, how did they negatively affect your body?

Sex has always been my drug of choice, and the result has been numerous vaginal infections, STDs, and a pregnancy.  Food is my other drug, and that has kept me overweight all my life.  Holding on to excess weight was a subconscious protection mechanism, and I've been hesitant to let it go.  On the contrary, every hurt or disappointment brought more weight and I topped out at my highest ever just last year.  Thank GOD, I've been successful this year in losing weight and keeping it off :) 

- What have you done to restore God's temple?

Prayed, asked for forgiveness, and I've undertaken a new healthy lifestyle this year.  I've lost 43# so far, and I'm not done yet.  God's temple deserves better than I've given it up until now!

3.  Your family

- Have you mistreated anyone in your family verbally, emotionally, or physically?

Well ... yeah.  

Verbally - I'm not a terribly abusive person these days, and I try not to use hurtful words.  But in my younger years, I'm certain I was verbally abusive to each of them at some point or another.  My sister got the most (she's 2.5 years younger, her birth ruined my life, and she was irritating ... duh! LOL).  But my mom, too.  I held her responsible for my dad's unhappiness and absenteeism, so I pretty much hated her most of my life.  I tolerated my mother's presence because I had to, but I never particularly LIKED HER or CARED about what she was going through.  My dad, well he was my hero, but he let me down a lot, so I know I flipped off at him and said things I shouldn't have as a kid.  

Emotionally - I could probably just repeat what I said about verbal abuse.  BUT - my mom got most of the emotional abuse, even more so than my sister.  As far as I was concerned, she was forcing my dad to be away from us because she was too needy and she nagged him too much.  

Physically - Nope, that's not my thing.  I'd much rather hurt with words where I can be crafty and hurt to the core.  

- Who in your family do you hold a resentment against?  Why?

Would you be shocked to hear me say "my mom"?  Because yep, that's the one.  My sister and I get along well now, my dad and I have always been close and we've recovered from his momentary lapses of sanity that impacted my life.  But my mom ... as much as I know I should forgive her, I haven't been able to.  I just can't find it in me.  I think part of that is because she continues to do the damaging stuff to me, even as an adult.  And I have a hard time with somebody telling me they're sorry, but continuing to do the same thing over and over and over.  I know it's not what Jesus would do, and it's not what I'm supposed to do.  But that's something I continue to struggle with and work on.

- Can you think of anyone to whom you owe amends?  Why?

All of the above.  As stated.

- What is the "family secret" that you have kept denying?

This question gets me every time, because I don't feel like we really had one.  But also because I don't deny much of anything.  I'm more about facing reality, dealing with it, and learning from it.  So for us, it was probably my dad's indiscretions and my grandfather's "other" kid.  Oh, and Granny's closet drinking.  

- How have relationships improved since you have been in recovery?

I don't attribute improved relationships to recovery as much as I do to church and to God.  Without a growing relationship with Christ, and continued participation in church, I wouldn't be who I am today, and I wouldn't be in recovery at all.  But with regard to relationships, I find myself much more capable of extending grace, mercy, and love.  I'm not as judgmental and critical of family and friends.  I forgive easier (except for mom), and I'm much more willing now to admit and accept my own faults.  I've become more self aware, and am more sensitive and empathetic towards others.

4.  Your church

- How would you rate your past participation in your church?
___ very involved
_X_ semi active member
___ sideline member
___ attender
___ went only on holidays
___ never attended

Since early adulthood, I remember myself always craved church.  I wanted to be involved in church, to be present and to have a relationship with God.  As a child, I attended with my great grandmother and for a while with my parents at the Seventh Day Adventist Church.  Even in college, I attended church.  I wasn't as involved then as I was later in life, but I was there.  Over the past 15-20 years, I have become more deeply involved and a more active participant in serving and contributing to the overall mission of the church, to include sharing my own story more with other people.  At this point in time, I'm highly active and I enjoy my church life immensely.  I find that the majority of my time is spent in church-related activities :)

- Prior to your recovery, what was your main reason for going to church?

Early on, because my Granny took me.  She was a very strong Christian.  Toss in the Mormon Church because my other grandparents took me.  But as I got older, I went by choice.  To grow closer to God, to build my faith, to increase my reliance upon God, to build a social network of Christian friends, to participate in women's bible studies and serving events.

- Have you ever tried to discourage any family members from church involvement?  How?  Why?

Nope.  Never.

- How has your commitment to your church increased since starting your recovery (give examples)?

To be honest, I don't think it has increased much at all.  I think it's actually the reverse for me.  The stronger I've become in my commitment to church, the more I've relied upon God, the more I've wanted to please Him by being the healthiest me I can be, and the more I've felt the tug to participate more deeply IN recovery.  Without church, I wouldn't be here at CR or step study!  So I guess I'd say I'm more involved in the CR aspects of church since starting recovery :)

LESSON 10 - SPIRITUAL INVENTORY PART I

Principle 4:  Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

"Happy are the pure in heart."  Matthew 5:8

Step 4:  We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord."  Lamentations 3:40

"Search me, O God, and know my heard; test my thoughts Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."  Psalm 139:23-24

1.  Relationship with others:

- Who has hurt you?  (Go as far back as you can.)  How did they specifically hurt you?

- Who are you holding a grudge against?  (Seeking revenge!)

- Who are you jealous of?  (Past and present.)  Why?

- Who have you hurt?  And how did you hurt them?

- Who have you been critical of or gossiped about?  Why?

- How have you attempted to place the blame on someone else?  (Be specific)

- What new healthy relationships have you developed since you have been in recovery?

2.  Priorities in Life

- What areas of your life have you been able to turn over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ?

- After acting on Principle 3, in what areas of your life are you still not putting God first?  Why not?

- What in your past is keeping you from seeking and following God's will for your life?

- Number the following list in order of our personal preferences.
Career
Family
Church
Christ
Friendships
Money
Ministry

- What are your personal goals for the next ninety days?  (Keep it simple!)  To spend more time with God and develop a deeper relationship with Him.  Continue to work on my health and fitness.  GET A NEW JOB!  Work on my recovery - knowing myself better and learning what to let go of :)

3.  Attitude

- What areas in your life are you thankful for?  My family, marriage, friends, church, CR, job, finances, dogs, recovery, my home, the blessings God has brought to my life, my faith, my hope for the future, my health, my fitness journey

- In the past, what things have you been ungrateful over?  Unfairness, feeling like I'm the 'only one', my marriage, my jobs, my finances, not getting my way

- What causes you to lose your temper? Unfairness, injustice, not getting my way! Jerks, being made a fool of, people who demonstrate irresponsibility and disrespect

- To whom have you been sarcastic to in the past?  (Give examples).  Everybody.  Sarcasm is my thing.  I didn't realize until this program that sarcasm is "bad".  I grew up being the tension breaker in my house, and sarcasm and jokes were the way I did that.  I thought the ability to be sarcastic and funny made me cool! I'm sarcastic to my husband, my friends, my boss!  I wish I could say that I don't intend to be harmful when I'm sarcastic, but that isn't always the case.  I am sarcastic when I'm trying to make a point or when I'm being flip towards somebody or something.  I find myself now paying better attention to my sarcasm, and looking at its purpose or my intention.  It's going to be a long road.

- What in your past are you still worried about?  I've dealt with the majority of my past, so I don't worry about much anymore.  But I do worry about my relationship with my mom, because I've never been able to forgive her, and I don't want to regret that when she passes.  Not doing a better job of showing my family that I love them.

- How has your attitude improved since you have been in recovery?  I think my attitude was pretty good before recovery, but I'd say that I have a little more peace, see more hope in things, I look to God for more direction, and I show more gratitude to Him.  And I definitely show more grace to others.

4.  Integrity

- In the past, how have you exaggerated to make yourself look good?  (Give examples).  I don't know that I exaggerate to make myself look good ... but I probably have!  OH!  I have definitely made others look WORSE in an effort to make myself look better when we're at odds -- to get others to side with me :)  And I've definitely bragged about my accomplishments, to try to fit in and make myself popular.  I have also used material things to make myself look richer, happier, prettier.  Furs, cars, jewelry.  I tried for a very long time to keep up with the Jones's.

- Does your walk as a Christian match your talk?  Are your actions the same at recovery meetings, church, home, and work?  I'm pretty transparent these days, and I don't put on airs like I once did - what you see is what you get! - so I'd say yes.  Does that mean I'm a perfect Christian?  Not a chance!  But I'm not selective about my weaknesses - when I cuss, I do it at home or in the church parking lot.  When I lose my temper, it doesn't matter where I am.  When I sin, I sin.  But I continue to try to improve my relationship with God and my walk as a Christian.  On another note, I've grown into a person who has a good sense of self, can see my faults without criticizing myself, and who apologizes when she's wrong.  I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong, and I try to genuinely learn from my mistakes.

- In what areas of your past have you used false humility to impress someone?  I don't even know what that means.  I do have a habit of minimizing complements sometimes. As a kid, I was a big people pleaser, which is apparently a form of false humility.  And caring what others think is also a form of false humility, and I used to care ALOT about what people thought.  Today, I don't.  What you think of me is not really any of my business :)  God loves me!

- Have any of your past business dealings been dishonest?  Have you ever stolen things?  Yep.  This is where I've had my biggest struggle, and I can see that now.  I haven't always been honest about things, especially when it would benefit me not to be.  THIS is where I would stretch the truth or exaggerate.  And yes, I've stolen things.  I'm not proud of that.  I'm not sure where I got the idea that I was entitled to do that, but I suspect it came from a childhood of being second all the time.  I was actually arrested as a teenager for stealing from a store in Tysons Corner, and had to do community service.

- List the ways you have been able to get out of your denial (distorted/dishonest thinking) into God's truth?