Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.
"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires." Matthew 5:6
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." James 4:10
1. Have you released control? (If not, review Principle 3).
Most of it. Some of it. LOL. As human beings, do we ever REALLY release all of our control? Even if we think we do? Self will is a powerful force. Maybe some people do. I wouldn't say I'm there yet. But I'm working on it.
a. List the areas of your life that you have been able to turn over and surrender to Jesus Christ.
My marriage. My recovery. My job. My home. My hope. My health. My relationships. My eating.
b. List the areas of your life that you are still holding on to, attempting to control them on your own power.
Some of my finances. Some of my decision-making. My need to control some people, some situations, sometimes.
2. What does the phrase, "easy does it" mean to you? What area of your recovery are you attempting to rush - looking for the "quick fix."
Easy does it means that I need to be patient with myself during the process. I didn't get this way overnight, and I won't change overnight. By allowing myself time to walk the journey, I can better identify the root causes of the issues I struggle with, therefore enabling me to better conquer them for good! I'm not trying to rush anything, I'm perfectly happy with this pace.
3. Explain the differences in seeing a need for change and being entirely ready to accept positive change in your recovery.
Accepting change is a much harder process. Reminds me of the saying, "easier said than done." It is much easier to SEE that a change needs to be made, whether that is in ourselves, or relationships, our jobs. It is an entirely different animal to be willing to ACCEPT the change and take steps toward making it happen. That requires significantly more vulnerability and selflessness.
4. It is very important that you allow God to replace your character defects with positive changes. What are some of the positive changes that you could make in your recovery? In your family? In your job?
I need to continue making positive changes - I doubt that will ever not be the case - I need to look to God more, pray more, lean in more often, and continue to practice grace when people upset or disappoint me, whether that is at home or at work.
5. Sometimes it is difficult for us in recovery to see the positive changes that God is making in our lives. Have you been able to accept and enjoy your growth? How?
I've made numerous positive changes, and the effects of those changes are easily apparent in my life. I have been consistent in my eating and workout journey since January and have lost 45#! I feel better about myself, more confident and comfortable in my own skin, and much more willing to accept my imperfections. I have replaced much of my social activity with things at or involving the church. I volunteer my time, energy, and finances more than ever before - to include tithing - which is a BIG deal for me, and it feels really good! I have definitely noticed that I'm growing more reliant upon God, I talk to him more often, I thank him more often for even the little things, and I am constantly reminded that He works all things for my good, even when those things don't happen in MY time or the way I want them to :)
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
LESSON 13 - ADMIT
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." ~ James 5:16
1. In Principle 4 we are asked to give our inventory three times. Who are we to confess it to and why?
We are to confess it to ourselves, to God, and to another person.
2. Most of us find it easier to confess our wrongs to ourselves and God. We seem to have more difficulty in sharing them with another person. What is the most difficult part for you? Why?
Confessing to myself and God is easy. That doesn't involve speaking aloud where others can hear what I'm saying. I think the vulnerability involved in sharing with another person is what makes that part more difficult. The fear of judgment or shock, the fear of losing a friend or friends, or being looked at differently is the most difficult part.
3. What is your biggest fear of sharing your inventory with another person?
See above.
4. List three people with whom you are considering sharing your inventory. List the pros and cons of each selection. Circle your final choice.
Kris
My sponsor
5. Pick a quiet location to share your inventory. List three places and circle the best one.
Panera
Church
The park
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." ~ James 5:16
1. In Principle 4 we are asked to give our inventory three times. Who are we to confess it to and why?
We are to confess it to ourselves, to God, and to another person.
2. Most of us find it easier to confess our wrongs to ourselves and God. We seem to have more difficulty in sharing them with another person. What is the most difficult part for you? Why?
Confessing to myself and God is easy. That doesn't involve speaking aloud where others can hear what I'm saying. I think the vulnerability involved in sharing with another person is what makes that part more difficult. The fear of judgment or shock, the fear of losing a friend or friends, or being looked at differently is the most difficult part.
3. What is your biggest fear of sharing your inventory with another person?
See above.
4. List three people with whom you are considering sharing your inventory. List the pros and cons of each selection. Circle your final choice.
Kris
My sponsor
5. Pick a quiet location to share your inventory. List three places and circle the best one.
Panera
Church
The park
LESSON 12 - CONFESS
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." ~ James 5:16
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." ~ James 5:16
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
LESSON 11 - SPIRITUAL INVENTORY PART 2
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
Your mind:
- How have you guarded your mind in the past? Denial?
- Have you filled your mind with hurtful and unhealthy movies, television programs, internet sites, magazines, or books?
- Have you failed to concentrate on the positive truths of the Bible?
Your body:
- In what ways in the past have you mistreated your body?
- Have you abused alcohol and drugs? Food? Sex?
- What past activities or habits caused harm to your physical health?
Your family:
- In the past, have you mistreated anyone in your family?
- Who in your family do you have a resentment against?
- Who do you owe an amends to?
- What is the family secret that you have been denying?
Your church:
- Have you been faithful to your church in the past?
- Have you been critical rather than active?
- In the past have you discouraged your family's support of their church?
Write About It
1. Your mind
- Since accepting Christ as your higher power, how has God transformed your mind? What worldly standards have you given up?
- How have you used denial to attempt to guard your mind?
- Have you filled or are you filling your mind with hurtful and unhealthy movies, televisions programs, Internet sites, magazines, or books?
- How have you failed to concentrate on the positive truths of the Bible?
2. Your body
- What past activities or habits caused harm to your physical body?
Oh my gosh, what HASN'T? I've always had issues with food, and I use it to mask my hurts, so I've been overweight since I was a little kid. I never participated in sports, so I didn't get much exercise. As I got older, and experienced sex, I decided that was a great way to feel loved and accepted, so I had far too many sexual encounters with boys and men, disrespecting my body along the way. And I had an abortion, which was definitely harmful to my body, my heart, and my mind. It took me a long time to forgive myself for that, but I know God forgives me and that's good enough for me. I accept his grace and mercy.
- In what ways have you mistreated your body?
Abortion. Excess weight. Too much food, and not the healthy kind.
- If you have abused alcohol drugs, foods, or sex, how did they negatively affect your body?
Sex has always been my drug of choice, and the result has been numerous vaginal infections, STDs, and a pregnancy. Food is my other drug, and that has kept me overweight all my life. Holding on to excess weight was a subconscious protection mechanism, and I've been hesitant to let it go. On the contrary, every hurt or disappointment brought more weight and I topped out at my highest ever just last year. Thank GOD, I've been successful this year in losing weight and keeping it off :)
- What have you done to restore God's temple?
Prayed, asked for forgiveness, and I've undertaken a new healthy lifestyle this year. I've lost 43# so far, and I'm not done yet. God's temple deserves better than I've given it up until now!
3. Your family
- Have you mistreated anyone in your family verbally, emotionally, or physically?
Well ... yeah.
Verbally - I'm not a terribly abusive person these days, and I try not to use hurtful words. But in my younger years, I'm certain I was verbally abusive to each of them at some point or another. My sister got the most (she's 2.5 years younger, her birth ruined my life, and she was irritating ... duh! LOL). But my mom, too. I held her responsible for my dad's unhappiness and absenteeism, so I pretty much hated her most of my life. I tolerated my mother's presence because I had to, but I never particularly LIKED HER or CARED about what she was going through. My dad, well he was my hero, but he let me down a lot, so I know I flipped off at him and said things I shouldn't have as a kid.
Emotionally - I could probably just repeat what I said about verbal abuse. BUT - my mom got most of the emotional abuse, even more so than my sister. As far as I was concerned, she was forcing my dad to be away from us because she was too needy and she nagged him too much.
Physically - Nope, that's not my thing. I'd much rather hurt with words where I can be crafty and hurt to the core.
- Who in your family do you hold a resentment against? Why?
Would you be shocked to hear me say "my mom"? Because yep, that's the one. My sister and I get along well now, my dad and I have always been close and we've recovered from his momentary lapses of sanity that impacted my life. But my mom ... as much as I know I should forgive her, I haven't been able to. I just can't find it in me. I think part of that is because she continues to do the damaging stuff to me, even as an adult. And I have a hard time with somebody telling me they're sorry, but continuing to do the same thing over and over and over. I know it's not what Jesus would do, and it's not what I'm supposed to do. But that's something I continue to struggle with and work on.
- Can you think of anyone to whom you owe amends? Why?
All of the above. As stated.
- What is the "family secret" that you have kept denying?
This question gets me every time, because I don't feel like we really had one. But also because I don't deny much of anything. I'm more about facing reality, dealing with it, and learning from it. So for us, it was probably my dad's indiscretions and my grandfather's "other" kid. Oh, and Granny's closet drinking.
- How have relationships improved since you have been in recovery?
I don't attribute improved relationships to recovery as much as I do to church and to God. Without a growing relationship with Christ, and continued participation in church, I wouldn't be who I am today, and I wouldn't be in recovery at all. But with regard to relationships, I find myself much more capable of extending grace, mercy, and love. I'm not as judgmental and critical of family and friends. I forgive easier (except for mom), and I'm much more willing now to admit and accept my own faults. I've become more self aware, and am more sensitive and empathetic towards others.
4. Your church
- How would you rate your past participation in your church?
___ very involved
_X_ semi active member
___ sideline member
___ attender
___ went only on holidays
___ never attended
Since early adulthood, I remember myself always craved church. I wanted to be involved in church, to be present and to have a relationship with God. As a child, I attended with my great grandmother and for a while with my parents at the Seventh Day Adventist Church. Even in college, I attended church. I wasn't as involved then as I was later in life, but I was there. Over the past 15-20 years, I have become more deeply involved and a more active participant in serving and contributing to the overall mission of the church, to include sharing my own story more with other people. At this point in time, I'm highly active and I enjoy my church life immensely. I find that the majority of my time is spent in church-related activities :)
- Prior to your recovery, what was your main reason for going to church?
Early on, because my Granny took me. She was a very strong Christian. Toss in the Mormon Church because my other grandparents took me. But as I got older, I went by choice. To grow closer to God, to build my faith, to increase my reliance upon God, to build a social network of Christian friends, to participate in women's bible studies and serving events.
- Have you ever tried to discourage any family members from church involvement? How? Why?
Nope. Never.
- How has your commitment to your church increased since starting your recovery (give examples)?
To be honest, I don't think it has increased much at all. I think it's actually the reverse for me. The stronger I've become in my commitment to church, the more I've relied upon God, the more I've wanted to please Him by being the healthiest me I can be, and the more I've felt the tug to participate more deeply IN recovery. Without church, I wouldn't be here at CR or step study! So I guess I'd say I'm more involved in the CR aspects of church since starting recovery :)
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
Your mind:
- How have you guarded your mind in the past? Denial?
- Have you filled your mind with hurtful and unhealthy movies, television programs, internet sites, magazines, or books?
- Have you failed to concentrate on the positive truths of the Bible?
Your body:
- In what ways in the past have you mistreated your body?
- Have you abused alcohol and drugs? Food? Sex?
- What past activities or habits caused harm to your physical health?
Your family:
- In the past, have you mistreated anyone in your family?
- Who in your family do you have a resentment against?
- Who do you owe an amends to?
- What is the family secret that you have been denying?
Your church:
- Have you been faithful to your church in the past?
- Have you been critical rather than active?
- In the past have you discouraged your family's support of their church?
Write About It
1. Your mind
- Since accepting Christ as your higher power, how has God transformed your mind? What worldly standards have you given up?
- How have you used denial to attempt to guard your mind?
- Have you filled or are you filling your mind with hurtful and unhealthy movies, televisions programs, Internet sites, magazines, or books?
- How have you failed to concentrate on the positive truths of the Bible?
2. Your body
- What past activities or habits caused harm to your physical body?
Oh my gosh, what HASN'T? I've always had issues with food, and I use it to mask my hurts, so I've been overweight since I was a little kid. I never participated in sports, so I didn't get much exercise. As I got older, and experienced sex, I decided that was a great way to feel loved and accepted, so I had far too many sexual encounters with boys and men, disrespecting my body along the way. And I had an abortion, which was definitely harmful to my body, my heart, and my mind. It took me a long time to forgive myself for that, but I know God forgives me and that's good enough for me. I accept his grace and mercy.
- In what ways have you mistreated your body?
Abortion. Excess weight. Too much food, and not the healthy kind.
- If you have abused alcohol drugs, foods, or sex, how did they negatively affect your body?
Sex has always been my drug of choice, and the result has been numerous vaginal infections, STDs, and a pregnancy. Food is my other drug, and that has kept me overweight all my life. Holding on to excess weight was a subconscious protection mechanism, and I've been hesitant to let it go. On the contrary, every hurt or disappointment brought more weight and I topped out at my highest ever just last year. Thank GOD, I've been successful this year in losing weight and keeping it off :)
- What have you done to restore God's temple?
Prayed, asked for forgiveness, and I've undertaken a new healthy lifestyle this year. I've lost 43# so far, and I'm not done yet. God's temple deserves better than I've given it up until now!
3. Your family
- Have you mistreated anyone in your family verbally, emotionally, or physically?
Well ... yeah.
Verbally - I'm not a terribly abusive person these days, and I try not to use hurtful words. But in my younger years, I'm certain I was verbally abusive to each of them at some point or another. My sister got the most (she's 2.5 years younger, her birth ruined my life, and she was irritating ... duh! LOL). But my mom, too. I held her responsible for my dad's unhappiness and absenteeism, so I pretty much hated her most of my life. I tolerated my mother's presence because I had to, but I never particularly LIKED HER or CARED about what she was going through. My dad, well he was my hero, but he let me down a lot, so I know I flipped off at him and said things I shouldn't have as a kid.
Emotionally - I could probably just repeat what I said about verbal abuse. BUT - my mom got most of the emotional abuse, even more so than my sister. As far as I was concerned, she was forcing my dad to be away from us because she was too needy and she nagged him too much.
Physically - Nope, that's not my thing. I'd much rather hurt with words where I can be crafty and hurt to the core.
- Who in your family do you hold a resentment against? Why?
Would you be shocked to hear me say "my mom"? Because yep, that's the one. My sister and I get along well now, my dad and I have always been close and we've recovered from his momentary lapses of sanity that impacted my life. But my mom ... as much as I know I should forgive her, I haven't been able to. I just can't find it in me. I think part of that is because she continues to do the damaging stuff to me, even as an adult. And I have a hard time with somebody telling me they're sorry, but continuing to do the same thing over and over and over. I know it's not what Jesus would do, and it's not what I'm supposed to do. But that's something I continue to struggle with and work on.
- Can you think of anyone to whom you owe amends? Why?
All of the above. As stated.
- What is the "family secret" that you have kept denying?
This question gets me every time, because I don't feel like we really had one. But also because I don't deny much of anything. I'm more about facing reality, dealing with it, and learning from it. So for us, it was probably my dad's indiscretions and my grandfather's "other" kid. Oh, and Granny's closet drinking.
- How have relationships improved since you have been in recovery?
I don't attribute improved relationships to recovery as much as I do to church and to God. Without a growing relationship with Christ, and continued participation in church, I wouldn't be who I am today, and I wouldn't be in recovery at all. But with regard to relationships, I find myself much more capable of extending grace, mercy, and love. I'm not as judgmental and critical of family and friends. I forgive easier (except for mom), and I'm much more willing now to admit and accept my own faults. I've become more self aware, and am more sensitive and empathetic towards others.
4. Your church
- How would you rate your past participation in your church?
___ very involved
_X_ semi active member
___ sideline member
___ attender
___ went only on holidays
___ never attended
Since early adulthood, I remember myself always craved church. I wanted to be involved in church, to be present and to have a relationship with God. As a child, I attended with my great grandmother and for a while with my parents at the Seventh Day Adventist Church. Even in college, I attended church. I wasn't as involved then as I was later in life, but I was there. Over the past 15-20 years, I have become more deeply involved and a more active participant in serving and contributing to the overall mission of the church, to include sharing my own story more with other people. At this point in time, I'm highly active and I enjoy my church life immensely. I find that the majority of my time is spent in church-related activities :)
- Prior to your recovery, what was your main reason for going to church?
Early on, because my Granny took me. She was a very strong Christian. Toss in the Mormon Church because my other grandparents took me. But as I got older, I went by choice. To grow closer to God, to build my faith, to increase my reliance upon God, to build a social network of Christian friends, to participate in women's bible studies and serving events.
- Have you ever tried to discourage any family members from church involvement? How? Why?
Nope. Never.
- How has your commitment to your church increased since starting your recovery (give examples)?
To be honest, I don't think it has increased much at all. I think it's actually the reverse for me. The stronger I've become in my commitment to church, the more I've relied upon God, the more I've wanted to please Him by being the healthiest me I can be, and the more I've felt the tug to participate more deeply IN recovery. Without church, I wouldn't be here at CR or step study! So I guess I'd say I'm more involved in the CR aspects of church since starting recovery :)
Thursday, June 16, 2016
LESSON 10 - SPIRITUAL INVENTORY PART I
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
"Search me, O God, and know my heard; test my thoughts Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." Psalm 139:23-24
1. Relationship with others:
- Who has hurt you? (Go as far back as you can.) How did they specifically hurt you?
- Who are you holding a grudge against? (Seeking revenge!)
- Who are you jealous of? (Past and present.) Why?
- Who have you hurt? And how did you hurt them?
- Who have you been critical of or gossiped about? Why?
- How have you attempted to place the blame on someone else? (Be specific)
- What new healthy relationships have you developed since you have been in recovery?
2. Priorities in Life
- What areas of your life have you been able to turn over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ?
- After acting on Principle 3, in what areas of your life are you still not putting God first? Why not?
- What in your past is keeping you from seeking and following God's will for your life?
- Number the following list in order of our personal preferences.
Career
Family
Church
Christ
Friendships
Money
Ministry
- What are your personal goals for the next ninety days? (Keep it simple!) To spend more time with God and develop a deeper relationship with Him. Continue to work on my health and fitness. GET A NEW JOB! Work on my recovery - knowing myself better and learning what to let go of :)
3. Attitude
- What areas in your life are you thankful for? My family, marriage, friends, church, CR, job, finances, dogs, recovery, my home, the blessings God has brought to my life, my faith, my hope for the future, my health, my fitness journey
- In the past, what things have you been ungrateful over? Unfairness, feeling like I'm the 'only one', my marriage, my jobs, my finances, not getting my way
- What causes you to lose your temper? Unfairness, injustice, not getting my way! Jerks, being made a fool of, people who demonstrate irresponsibility and disrespect
- To whom have you been sarcastic to in the past? (Give examples). Everybody. Sarcasm is my thing. I didn't realize until this program that sarcasm is "bad". I grew up being the tension breaker in my house, and sarcasm and jokes were the way I did that. I thought the ability to be sarcastic and funny made me cool! I'm sarcastic to my husband, my friends, my boss! I wish I could say that I don't intend to be harmful when I'm sarcastic, but that isn't always the case. I am sarcastic when I'm trying to make a point or when I'm being flip towards somebody or something. I find myself now paying better attention to my sarcasm, and looking at its purpose or my intention. It's going to be a long road.
- What in your past are you still worried about? I've dealt with the majority of my past, so I don't worry about much anymore. But I do worry about my relationship with my mom, because I've never been able to forgive her, and I don't want to regret that when she passes. Not doing a better job of showing my family that I love them.
- How has your attitude improved since you have been in recovery? I think my attitude was pretty good before recovery, but I'd say that I have a little more peace, see more hope in things, I look to God for more direction, and I show more gratitude to Him. And I definitely show more grace to others.
4. Integrity
- In the past, how have you exaggerated to make yourself look good? (Give examples). I don't know that I exaggerate to make myself look good ... but I probably have! OH! I have definitely made others look WORSE in an effort to make myself look better when we're at odds -- to get others to side with me :) And I've definitely bragged about my accomplishments, to try to fit in and make myself popular. I have also used material things to make myself look richer, happier, prettier. Furs, cars, jewelry. I tried for a very long time to keep up with the Jones's.
- Does your walk as a Christian match your talk? Are your actions the same at recovery meetings, church, home, and work? I'm pretty transparent these days, and I don't put on airs like I once did - what you see is what you get! - so I'd say yes. Does that mean I'm a perfect Christian? Not a chance! But I'm not selective about my weaknesses - when I cuss, I do it at home or in the church parking lot. When I lose my temper, it doesn't matter where I am. When I sin, I sin. But I continue to try to improve my relationship with God and my walk as a Christian. On another note, I've grown into a person who has a good sense of self, can see my faults without criticizing myself, and who apologizes when she's wrong. I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong, and I try to genuinely learn from my mistakes.
- In what areas of your past have you used false humility to impress someone? I don't even know what that means. I do have a habit of minimizing complements sometimes. As a kid, I was a big people pleaser, which is apparently a form of false humility. And caring what others think is also a form of false humility, and I used to care ALOT about what people thought. Today, I don't. What you think of me is not really any of my business :) God loves me!
- Have any of your past business dealings been dishonest? Have you ever stolen things? Yep. This is where I've had my biggest struggle, and I can see that now. I haven't always been honest about things, especially when it would benefit me not to be. THIS is where I would stretch the truth or exaggerate. And yes, I've stolen things. I'm not proud of that. I'm not sure where I got the idea that I was entitled to do that, but I suspect it came from a childhood of being second all the time. I was actually arrested as a teenager for stealing from a store in Tysons Corner, and had to do community service.
- List the ways you have been able to get out of your denial (distorted/dishonest thinking) into God's truth?
"Happy are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
"Search me, O God, and know my heard; test my thoughts Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." Psalm 139:23-24
1. Relationship with others:
- Who has hurt you? (Go as far back as you can.) How did they specifically hurt you?
- Who are you holding a grudge against? (Seeking revenge!)
- Who are you jealous of? (Past and present.) Why?
- Who have you hurt? And how did you hurt them?
- Who have you been critical of or gossiped about? Why?
- How have you attempted to place the blame on someone else? (Be specific)
- What new healthy relationships have you developed since you have been in recovery?
2. Priorities in Life
- What areas of your life have you been able to turn over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ?
- After acting on Principle 3, in what areas of your life are you still not putting God first? Why not?
- What in your past is keeping you from seeking and following God's will for your life?
- Number the following list in order of our personal preferences.
Career
Family
Church
Christ
Friendships
Money
Ministry
- What are your personal goals for the next ninety days? (Keep it simple!) To spend more time with God and develop a deeper relationship with Him. Continue to work on my health and fitness. GET A NEW JOB! Work on my recovery - knowing myself better and learning what to let go of :)
3. Attitude
- What areas in your life are you thankful for? My family, marriage, friends, church, CR, job, finances, dogs, recovery, my home, the blessings God has brought to my life, my faith, my hope for the future, my health, my fitness journey
- In the past, what things have you been ungrateful over? Unfairness, feeling like I'm the 'only one', my marriage, my jobs, my finances, not getting my way
- What causes you to lose your temper? Unfairness, injustice, not getting my way! Jerks, being made a fool of, people who demonstrate irresponsibility and disrespect
- To whom have you been sarcastic to in the past? (Give examples). Everybody. Sarcasm is my thing. I didn't realize until this program that sarcasm is "bad". I grew up being the tension breaker in my house, and sarcasm and jokes were the way I did that. I thought the ability to be sarcastic and funny made me cool! I'm sarcastic to my husband, my friends, my boss! I wish I could say that I don't intend to be harmful when I'm sarcastic, but that isn't always the case. I am sarcastic when I'm trying to make a point or when I'm being flip towards somebody or something. I find myself now paying better attention to my sarcasm, and looking at its purpose or my intention. It's going to be a long road.
- What in your past are you still worried about? I've dealt with the majority of my past, so I don't worry about much anymore. But I do worry about my relationship with my mom, because I've never been able to forgive her, and I don't want to regret that when she passes. Not doing a better job of showing my family that I love them.
- How has your attitude improved since you have been in recovery? I think my attitude was pretty good before recovery, but I'd say that I have a little more peace, see more hope in things, I look to God for more direction, and I show more gratitude to Him. And I definitely show more grace to others.
4. Integrity
- In the past, how have you exaggerated to make yourself look good? (Give examples). I don't know that I exaggerate to make myself look good ... but I probably have! OH! I have definitely made others look WORSE in an effort to make myself look better when we're at odds -- to get others to side with me :) And I've definitely bragged about my accomplishments, to try to fit in and make myself popular. I have also used material things to make myself look richer, happier, prettier. Furs, cars, jewelry. I tried for a very long time to keep up with the Jones's.
- Does your walk as a Christian match your talk? Are your actions the same at recovery meetings, church, home, and work? I'm pretty transparent these days, and I don't put on airs like I once did - what you see is what you get! - so I'd say yes. Does that mean I'm a perfect Christian? Not a chance! But I'm not selective about my weaknesses - when I cuss, I do it at home or in the church parking lot. When I lose my temper, it doesn't matter where I am. When I sin, I sin. But I continue to try to improve my relationship with God and my walk as a Christian. On another note, I've grown into a person who has a good sense of self, can see my faults without criticizing myself, and who apologizes when she's wrong. I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong, and I try to genuinely learn from my mistakes.
- In what areas of your past have you used false humility to impress someone? I don't even know what that means. I do have a habit of minimizing complements sometimes. As a kid, I was a big people pleaser, which is apparently a form of false humility. And caring what others think is also a form of false humility, and I used to care ALOT about what people thought. Today, I don't. What you think of me is not really any of my business :) God loves me!
- Have any of your past business dealings been dishonest? Have you ever stolen things? Yep. This is where I've had my biggest struggle, and I can see that now. I haven't always been honest about things, especially when it would benefit me not to be. THIS is where I would stretch the truth or exaggerate. And yes, I've stolen things. I'm not proud of that. I'm not sure where I got the idea that I was entitled to do that, but I suspect it came from a childhood of being second all the time. I was actually arrested as a teenager for stealing from a store in Tysons Corner, and had to do community service.
- List the ways you have been able to get out of your denial (distorted/dishonest thinking) into God's truth?
Monday, May 2, 2016
LESSON 8 - MORAL
LESSON 8 - MORAL
Dear God, you know my past, all the good and the bad things that I've done. In this step, I ask that you give me the strength and the courage to list those things so that I can "come clean" and face them and the truth. Please help me reach out to others you have placed along my "road to recovery." Thank you for providing them to help me keep balanced as I do my inventory. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
2. What date have you set aside to start? What time? Sunday, May 29 1000am.
Principle 4 Prayer
Dear God, you know my past, all the good and the bad things that I've done. In this step, I ask that you give me the strength and the courage to list those things so that I can "come clean" and face them and the truth. Please help me reach out to others you have placed along my "road to recovery." Thank you for providing them to help me keep balanced as I do my inventory. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
1. Where will you go for quiet time to begin your inventory? The Mann Cave.
2. What date have you set aside to start? What time? Sunday, May 29 1000am.
3. What are your fears as you begin your inventory? Why? That I won't be able to remember everything - especially when it comes to what I've done to harm others. And that I will be overwhelmed with feelings that I "thought" I had already worked through. I guess I'm worried that I'll have my bubble burst, and after all my counseling, I prefer that NOT happen :)
4. What can you do to help you "wake up" your feelings? I can ask God to open my eyes and my heart and help me acknowledge the areas I need to. I can answer questions like, "What do I feel guilty about, what do I resent, what do I fear." And I can rely on God to give me the courage and strength that doing my inventory requires.
5. Describe your experience of turning your life over to Christ. It was freaky weird, like Twilight Zone freaky weird. I had already turned my life over to Christ as a teenager, but when I read the prayer again as an adult - during a Christianity class at church - I thought I was just reading aloud with my classmates. BOY, was I wrong. I felt a warmness come into my body and I could feel the Holy Spirit filling me up. I was speechless and dumfounded, just sitting there with tears in my eyes. I knew that this time it was different, this time I MEANT IT, this time God heard me and knew I was ready. And so it was.
6. How do you attempt to turn your will to God's care on a daily basis? I pray, and I do my best to think about what God would want - WWJD, if you will. I try to remember to show gratitude and thanks to Him for the good things, and even some of that bad (I'm not always as good at remembering to thank Him for those). I acknowledge Him on a pretty regular basis, often looking up and saying Hi. But I definitely need to do better about listening (and stopping my own talking long enough for him to get a word in edgewise!)
7. List the things you have used to block the pain of your past. As a kid, I tried to please everybody and gain their approval. I thought if I could make everybody happy, and people approved of me, they would love me and treat me well - hence, no pain. As a result, I began to strive for perfection. Perfection had to make people like me, right? So I set exceptionally high expectations for myself and set out to achieve them. Which rarely happened, of course. What happened instead was self loathing and beating myself up when I couldn't achieve them - a little counter productive. I also adopted comedy as my means of coping. I was always the one who would toss out a sarcastic or comical comment to break the tension when it was so think you could cut it with a knife. As I got older, and learned to cook basic stuff like hot dogs and mac & cheese, I started comforting myself with food. Food was something I could control. Control - or the illusion thereof - made me feel better, and the cheesiness of mac and cheese REALLY made me feel better, so surely the two combined would take the pain away!! That was likely the beginning of my belief that by controlling everything and everybody in my life, I could avoid the pain. That continues even though, though not nearly as much. Early in my teenage years, I started turning to boys and sex to block the pain. If the boys gave me sexual attention, it had to mean they liked me, and if they liked me, I didn't have to believe the lies of the past and carry that hurt around ... right? Nope. Liking me and wanting to have sex with me were mutually exclusive. One had nothing to do with the other. So then came the pain of rejection, which led to more food to fill the void. As I got older, I began to spend. I would attempt to buy myself out of pain. If I had enough STUFF, I could be happy and at peace. So I bought A LOT of stuff. The shocker is, that didn't take away the pain, either. So I started counseling. A LONG time ago. And I still see her. Together we've done TONS of work on my baggage, and my load gets lighter all the time :)
8. What have you done to step out of your denial? Counseling, lots and lots of counseling. It's rarely laborious though, it's all just part of my journey to becoming whole, and I'm fascinated by my travels. Accepting Christ has also done a lot to lead me out of denial. When you accept Christ and you learn that humility is a favorable trait, you suddenly find that accepting yourself and your flaws is ok and acceptable. We all have them and we don't have to feel guilt or shame. But we do have to make amends. And that's another part of the journey.
9. How can you continue to find new ways out of your denial of the past? By praying and continuing to ask God to show me areas I need to examine and make amends for. By reading His word and knowing His will. By talking to my sponsor and working this program. And by continuing to talk to my counselor when I need to.
10. Why is it important to do a written inventory? Not sure if the point of this question is about DOING the inventory, or about it being a WRITTEN inventory. But I believe the point of doing the inventory itself is that we need to free ourselves from the junk we carry around every day, and we can only be free of what we acknowledge. And by writing it down, the act of writing is therapeutic AND it makes it impossible for us to forget what we wrote :)
11. What are some of the good things you have done in the past? I have loved and cared for other people. I have provided help when others have needed it. I have taken care of people and animals. I have volunteered myself and my time and my finances. I have forgiven.
12. What are some of the negative things you have done in the past? I have tried to control everybody else. I have been judgmental and gossipy. I have put others' needs ahead of my own and allowed myself to suffer.
13. Do you have a sponsor or accountability partner to help keep your inventory balanced? I absolutely do, I have both!!
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
LESSON 7 - SPONSOR
LESSON 7 - SPONSOR
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
1. Why is it important for you to have a support team? Working a recovery program is hard work and can be emotionally draining at times. By having a support team, I am surrounding myself with others who have either been through the recovery process already, or are in it along side me. My support team can see me for who I am, even in areas I don't recognize, and provide me honest and loving feedback about my hurts, hang-ups, and habits. My support team can also help walk me through areas of recovery that I need help with, or talk me off a ledge if things get too difficult. Two are better than one; iron sharpens iron.
2. What qualities are you looking for in a sponsor? A Godly woman who walks her talk, one who has completed the 12 steps herself, she is open about her recovery and struggles, and she isn't too proud to let her own support team help her when she needs it. She is compassionate and caring, without being judgmental. She gets gratification by helping others with their recovery, and she is strong enough to handle my "what you see is what you get" personality. I need a woman who isn't intimidated by me (no pushovers!), and can stand up to me and tell me the truth about myself, in love, when she needs to.
3. How have you attempted to find a sponsor/accountability partner? I have been in CR at New Hope for 18 months now, and over the course of that time, I have gotten to know many amazing women. I have an awesome support system in place already, and I will continue to add "formally" to my accountability partners in the coming weeks.
4. What are some new places and ways you can try to find a sponsor/accountability partner? I can broaden my circle by getting to better know the women who are in other small groups outside of my own, and can socialize with groups of women from CR.
5. What is the difference between a sponsor and an accountability partner? A sponsor is a woman with whom I develop a close, intimate, trusting relationship, that allows us to be transparent with one another so that she can help coach me through the good and bad of my recovery. An accountability partner is a woman who is in recovery like I am, who agrees to hold me accountable to my own behaviors associated with my hurts, hang-ups, and habits, and encourages me to keep going.
6. List the names and phone numbers of possible sponsors or accountability partners. These should be individuals you have met on your "Road to Recovery" who have touched you in the sharing of their experiences, strengths, and hopes.
Susan S
Cynthia A
Cuky
Sarah B
Kim F
Martha B
Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40
1. Why is it important for you to have a support team? Working a recovery program is hard work and can be emotionally draining at times. By having a support team, I am surrounding myself with others who have either been through the recovery process already, or are in it along side me. My support team can see me for who I am, even in areas I don't recognize, and provide me honest and loving feedback about my hurts, hang-ups, and habits. My support team can also help walk me through areas of recovery that I need help with, or talk me off a ledge if things get too difficult. Two are better than one; iron sharpens iron.
2. What qualities are you looking for in a sponsor? A Godly woman who walks her talk, one who has completed the 12 steps herself, she is open about her recovery and struggles, and she isn't too proud to let her own support team help her when she needs it. She is compassionate and caring, without being judgmental. She gets gratification by helping others with their recovery, and she is strong enough to handle my "what you see is what you get" personality. I need a woman who isn't intimidated by me (no pushovers!), and can stand up to me and tell me the truth about myself, in love, when she needs to.
3. How have you attempted to find a sponsor/accountability partner? I have been in CR at New Hope for 18 months now, and over the course of that time, I have gotten to know many amazing women. I have an awesome support system in place already, and I will continue to add "formally" to my accountability partners in the coming weeks.
4. What are some new places and ways you can try to find a sponsor/accountability partner? I can broaden my circle by getting to better know the women who are in other small groups outside of my own, and can socialize with groups of women from CR.
5. What is the difference between a sponsor and an accountability partner? A sponsor is a woman with whom I develop a close, intimate, trusting relationship, that allows us to be transparent with one another so that she can help coach me through the good and bad of my recovery. An accountability partner is a woman who is in recovery like I am, who agrees to hold me accountable to my own behaviors associated with my hurts, hang-ups, and habits, and encourages me to keep going.
6. List the names and phone numbers of possible sponsors or accountability partners. These should be individuals you have met on your "Road to Recovery" who have touched you in the sharing of their experiences, strengths, and hopes.
Susan S
Cynthia A
Cuky
Sarah B
Kim F
Martha B
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